♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)
- [Narrator] Zack Morris tells Kelly he's never
felt this way, but he's extra double
horned up and wants to go steady.
Zack threatens to murder Kelly's interrupting brother.
- [Zack] Wanna live till tomorrow?
- [Narrator] Then pushes her to answer.
She needs to sleep on it.
Zack whines for a kiss like an infant.
Zack announces Baysides hottest babe will be his any minute,
because of course she'll say yes.
Then Zack sees a new woman
and goes sparkle-vision speechless.
He's extra triple horned up,
he didn't even know that was possible.
She's Jennifer.
- I'm Zack,
and I'm in love.
- [Narrator] Kelly who?
Kelly has Zack's answer after poetry class.
Zack doesn't give a squirrels anus.
Belding tells the school it's time for flu shots,
and don't be afraid of a little prick.
There's a huge blond one roaming the halls.
Kelly reads her poem about a special someone,
but while she's pouring her heart out,
Zack daydreams away to sparkle town
to instead hear that woman he just met.
Belding calls in the first round of flu shots.
Jesse needs glasses.
She foolishly turns to Zack for support.
- Zack, do you think guys like girls who wear glasses?
- No way.
- [Narrator] Zack's not a fan of anything that helps
a young lady see she's making a mistake.
Turns out Jennifer is the new nurse.
Zack goes full bozo mode again.
Stammering and staring.
- Would you like to sit down?
- Oh no, I prefer being held.
- [Narrator] Gross and sad.
Then gives her the weird dead eyes.
Who would ever want that?
Truly awful.
Let's see how Zack handles the best news ever.
- Well, I guess you know the answer, it's yes.
- That's great Kel, so what was the question?
- [Narrator] Scum of the earth.
Kelly suspects Zack is into someone else,
which seems unlikely as Kelly is made of rainbows and joy,
but Jesse will investigate.
Zack's rehearsing his creepiest wassup
in his ugliest suit.
Jesse wants answers, Zack makes her promise
not to tell anyone, but he's in love
with the new nurse, barf.
Jesse wonders how Kelly will take getting dumped.
Zack says slow down with that dumped talk,
no reason he can't have a second, less hot girlfriend.
You can own a Porsche and still ride the bus sometimes.
Jesse, incredulous, asks if Zack plans to date them both.
Sounds good to Zack, who fantasizes about a future
where he's a famous surgeon and Kelly and Jennifer
assist his reckless malpractice
in between sticky threesomes.
Kelly wants intel.
Jesse, honoring Zack's ass-covering vow of silence,
says vague nothings, and is now complicity constructing
Kelly's road to misery.
Zack limps in, he needs to see the nurse, alone!
Zack jogs away.
Zack runs his slimy suit game on this poor woman
trying to do her job.
- Oh, what can I do for ya?
- Oh boy, now there's a question.
- [Narrator] Then mutters some inconsistent symptoms.
- Wonder what's going on in that body of yours.
- [Narrator] And closes with his I've got a boner face.
Jennifer will be right back.
But when Slater arrives for his shot,
Zack thinks its the nurse.
He says he's in love, through a curtain,
with no eye contact, like all people
who are serious about commitment do.
Then wraps up his aggressively desperate sales pitch.
- This is the real thing, don't fight it,
just go with the flow.
- [Narrator] Slater has a fear needles and offers to keep
this quiet, if Zack takes his flu shot for him.
Zack tells Screech he did some soul searching,
and being faithful holds less appeal than banging around.
But because losing Zack will crush Kelly,
she'll need a human distraction from the agony,
who won't make Zack jealous.
Wow, how thoughtful.
Screech says Melvin, from chess club, is the perfect nerd
who won't threaten his tiny ego.
Zack, who wanted exclusivity yesterday,
says they should see other people using a condescending,
mindless metaphor about how they're both nuts
that need room to grow into trees.
He really should have paid more attention in poetry class.
Kelly wants to know if there's someone else.
Zack promises there isn't another student.
Mastering the art of not lying his ass off,
Kelly is devastated and eternally angry at all men
for being so blindly scorned without reason.
Slater and Jesse talk in code about Zack's secret,
but Lisa cracks the case.
And because she didn't promise anything, tells the nurse.
Jennifer is shocked and disgusted, but says she knows
how to deal with sick people.
Jennifer calls Zack in
on what appears to be very casual Friday.
She knows what he likes her and she hasn't been
able to stop thinking about the nervous mumbling virgin
who can't dress for shit and keeps bugging her at work.
Zack's nothing like her violent, pro-wrestler husband.
Then she starts talking about marrying Zack and having kids.
Fearing for his life and adult responsibilities,
beyond that of wearing a tie,
Zack yells he has a girlfriend,
a lie, and being scared to death
has really made him come around on monogamy
and not sexually harassing the faculty.
Zack goes to Kelly's, but she's hanging with Melvin,
who is way cooler and hotter than Zack.
And Kelly is ready for someone who appreciates her
and isn't a shady turd.
And we never see nurse Jennifer ever again,
because the shame of violating her nurses pledge
to teach a youth a much needed lesson was too much to bear
and she probably fucking killed herself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris badgered Kelly into a relationship
to possess the prettiest girl in school.
Then forgot all about her, the first new woman he saw.
And when he learned his crush is school staff,
continued being gross and inappropriate.
Then, when Kelly said yes, pretended he didn't know
what she's talking about,
causing intense mental anguish and confusion.
While Zack very poorly tried to seduce this older woman,
letting every friend know except Kelly.
Then after breaking Kelly's heart,
damaging all her future relationships,
to pursue a thing that was never going to happen,
and he couldn't handle even if it did,
had to be terrorized into wanting to make things right.
And was bested by a guy he set up to be his deliberately
inferior replacement, only anyone
is better than Zack Morris.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)