- Reason number one, apparently your face color
has to match your neck color,
and I simply cannot figure that out.
(neighing)
What up, everyone?
It's your girl, Superwoman.
Reason number two.
Yo, once in a while I get comments under my videos
that are all like, "Yo, Lilly,
"you should do a makeup tutorial, yo!"
And I'm just like, what the eff kinda drunken day
have you had to comment that under my video?
Like, how many beers does it take
for you to believe that I know anything
about beatin this face?
Straight up, I could never be a beauty guru.
Like, I have a better chance of being
the first female brown President of the United States.
And I'm Canadian.
I just don't have what it takes to pull off
those popular beauty formats, you know?
For example, monthly favorites.
The eff?
You expect me to have different favorites every month?
As if I buy new crap every month?
Nah.
Hey, everyone, welcome to my January favorites.
My first favorites is this bra
that I wear every single day.
In fact, it'll also be my February and my March favorite,
because it's the only bra I wear.
In fact, I'm not even wearing a bra right now
because I'm holding the bra in my hand
and I only wear this bra.
Woo!
This mascara is from January of last year,
and it's still one of my favorites.
I just refuse to throw it away.
I don't know what it is,
it's like I can't commit to a relationship,
but for some reason I'm emotionally attached
to this bottle of dried up crap.
I'm pretty sure if I use it I'll get pinkeye,
but hey, you know what?
Love hurts.
This month I've been living off
my brand new pair of Spanks that have a pee hole.
I would show them to you,
but they're on a little bit crooked
and they got a bit dirty.
Hello, my name is Lilly, and I'm a mascara bottle hoarder.
Why do I have so many empty mascara bottles
in my make up bag?
Like, I have some mascara that's ancient,
from way back when, from a time when it was acceptable
to poke people on Facebook.
If such a time ever existed.
Speaking of makeup bags, mine is a hot effin mess.
You ever see people that do those videos like,
"This is in my makeup bag,"
and they take out these flawless looking products,
like straight up untouched?
And I'm just like, you know,
your eyeliner looks like it went to a private school.
You know, it had a good upbringing.
My makeup is a disaster.
My makeup had a tough childhood.
My makeup had to work three jobs to pay rent.
My makeup gets racially profiled by the police.
My makeup eats Maggi noodles
for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Too real!
My makeup bag looks like a natural disaster.
Hey, everyone, this is what's inside my makeup bag.
This broken blush that explodes all over everything.
Literally, all my makeup seems shy.
This broken eyelash curler that always slips out of my hand
and pulls out all my hairs,
but I don't know, I just think less is more.
This broken eyeshadow palette that makes it look like
all the colors are having an orgy.
Now, if you wanna go black,
you have two things to keep in mind.
Number one, you'll never go back,
and number two, you might get some green and purple.
Now, you may notice that this one's empty
and all the rest are full.
That's because I only know how to use that one color.
The rest are just fillers,
like the crappy members of a boy band.
Where the eff is the next thing?
What is this?
Where the eff are you?
Here we have eyelash glue.
It's been in my makeup bag for approximately two years
because I keep pretending like I know how to do that,
but I don't.
And then there's those cute formats with other people.
Like, hey, not only am I gorgeous
and know how to do makeup wonderfully,
but I have all these people in my life
that love me so much.
And for me, that's a little bit of an issue.
Okay, honestly, where is he?
- [Person Off Camera] Um, who?
- My boyfriend.
- [Person Off Camera] You don't have a boyfriend.
- What?
Oh yeah, you're right.
But that's okay, because I can just do the next best thing.
- Hello, today I'm doing Lilly's makeup.
- Oh wait, dad, how are we gonna do this?
You hand can't cross that split screen line.
- Let me try.
- Crap!
Side note, I actually do have a video
of my dad doing my makeup on my channel.
The link is in the description.
It's cute AF!
Cute AF.
I can't be the only one that thinks that
beauty and lifestyle people have a routine for everything.
Morning routine.
Nighttime routine.
Lunchtime routine.
Morning summer routine.
Winter nighttime routine.
And I'm just like, am I the only idiot out here
that doesn't have a routine
that accommodates to the seasons?
My routine is not a Starbucks cup.
Okay, my routine doesn't give an eff
what color the leaves are outside.
I don't have a routine.
In fact, my period doesn't even follow a routine.
My period some months is like, hey,
this month I'll be a colon.
I'm gonna just come twice.
Oh my God, that'd be horrible.
It's happened.
Getting your period twice in a month is like
the opposite of being stressed that you're pregnant.
You're like, oh my God, have I been converted
back into a virgin, or for some people, remained one.
Whatever, shut up, don't judge me.
My routine videos would suck.
Hey everyone, this is my year long night routine.
First I'm going to not wash my face,
and then I'm going to go to sleep.
Thanks for watching.
Don't even get me started on makeup routines.
A, I would be really bad at making those cutesy faces
in between takes.
I would not be able to do that seriously.
B, as mentioned before, I only know how to do
one look with my makeup.
C, I don't know what the eff each brush is for,
nor do I clean them regularly.
Okay, like, maximum, one time every four months, max.
Hey, everyone, today I'm going to be showing you
how to do my only makeup look.
I'll be using these two concealers and mixing them
because I'm brown and nothing matches my skin tone.
Light, darker.
Does this match my skin?
Not really.
I'm gonna apply this with a random brush
that's inside this custy case.
As you can see, it's very dense
with previous makeup and germs.
Next I'm gonna use this foundation
that I found in a pharmacy one day
because I forgot my makeup at home that day.
Uh, does this match my skin tone?
Not really.
Now that my base is done and my face
doesn't match my neck,
I'm gonna make up a bunch of crap that seems right.
I'm using this eyeshadow.
I don't know what it's called, but it looks pink,
so I'm calling it pink.
This brush seems right.
I'm gonna put some white in the corner of my eye
because I'm not racist.
Now I'm gonna use this eyeliner
that has a million of those annoying
fuzzy string things in it that'll drive me crazy
and eff everything up.
Now the wings of my liner will never be even,
so I'm basically creating a handicapped bird
on my face.
I'm gonna fill in my eyebrows with this thing,
whatever this is.
But clearly I have an abundance of it.
Wait, what is this even called?
Manjeet's Beard.
Mm, nice.
Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill.
I'm a girl!
Next I'm gonna curl my eyelashes.
The key here is to not die.
Once I did this and died, and it was horrible.
Top that off with some mascara from 2010.
Use a sexy lipstick.
This one is called Bawse from Smashbox
and it's literally the best thing in my makeup bag.
Next, I'm going to, oh my God, this is so good.
Mm, eff me hard, this is amazing!
Yes, baby, mm, so bad.
Oops, I mean, finish off with some cheek polish.
For real though, mad love to everyone
that does beauty, lifestyle stuff online.
I applaud you.
Straight up, I'll just stick to comedy,
where I can be mediocre and happy wearing sweatpants.
This is the part where you have to say
that I'm not mediocre and actually really funny.
You should probably go ahead and comment that below.
I'll wait.
Oh, you're so sweet, this is so unexpected!
Yo, what's up, hope you enjoyed that video.
If you did, you know what to do.
Give it a thumbs up.
Don't just say you will, actually do it.
You wanna preorder my book, How to Be a Boss,
it is available now, little square right over there,
last video right there,
second vlog channel right there.
Make sure you subscribe,
'cause I make new videos every Monday and Thursday
and I want you to be here.
One love, Superwoman.
That is a wrap, and zoom!