Positive parenting today at Live On Purpose TV. Teaching Kids Responsibility.
Positive parenting. How do we do that? I think the first thing is to understand
the dynamics that happen between control and maturity. So, this is the content from
that parental power CD set that I used to do. Getting it right now, okay? We're
going to start with control and maturity. Control means control over your own life.
So, you can have zero control or 100% control or somewhere in
between. And it's usually somewhere in between. Now, this goes for you it goes
for your kids. Just think control over your own life.
Now, on the other axis, we'll put maturity. Maturity is a complicated issue. But the
most common way we think about maturity is in terms of age. So, think of it as
starting at birth and going through adulthood. Now, it gets exciting when we
compare these two dimensions together. When we put control up against maturity
and see what happens. When you're first born, how much control do you have over
your own life? Right. Well, not quite zero because you can make a big noise in a
big stink. But that's about it when you're first born.
How much control do you have as an adult? Now, a little side note: When I ask
teenagers how much control the adults have, what do you think they answer? -Right.
It's a little different answer from us as adults because we know all the small
print. But the the teenagers will almost always say, "Oh, they have 100%
control." Let's roll with their idea for just a minute. And as we plot the
control against the maturity, here's what happened. We get a line that divides this
space starting low ending high. So, the more and more
control you get depends on how mature you are. So, the more mature you are, the
more control you get. Does that make sense? This part under the line is the
part you get for yourself. The part over the line is the part other people take
in your life. Now, this is true for you and it's true for your kids. Thinking
about your kids for just a moment. How much control do they get to have over
their own life? Well when they're little babies they don't get hardly any. When
they're adults, hopefully they're in control of their own life by then. And
and there's this gradual increase as they grow up. Okay. So, keep that in mind
now. We're going to take age out of the equation. I want you to think stage not
age. Got it? Stage not age. So, I've divided this graph into three segments. And I've
brilliantly named them stage 1, stage 2 and wait for it.
Stage 3. Isn't that brilliant? These 3 stages represent different stages
of maturity or moral development. If you want to think about it that way.
Stage 1 is the least mature. And you'll see in the graph that Stage one does not
allow for much self-control. Most of the control is taken by others. Stage 2 is
kind of a balance. It's more mature, they get more control. Stage 3 is the most
mature of all. Now, control is shared almost always. There has to be 100%
control. The only question is "who's going to take that control?" And
there's a lineup for the control. Who gets to have control over your kids, for
example? Well, here's the lineup. Who gets first dibs on the control? Always number
1 in that position is the self. That's true for you, it's true for your kids.
Self always gets first crack at the control. Who's
second-in-line? Think about your kids now. Yeah. You are as a parent. Parents are
second in line for their kids. In other words, if the kid can't take control of
their own life, who's going to do it? The parents are obviously. Who's third?
Yeah, I get a lot of different answers on this one.
Friends, schools. Whatever, right? School is actually closer than friends. Why? Because
third in line is the state. Is that a little scary? I mean state agencies.
Like the Division of Child and Family Services, the juvenile court system, the
police. Friends don't have the authority or the power to take control. Sure they
have influence but the state has the authority. Whether that's right or wrong,
we're not going to debate today. That's just how it is. So, my preference is that
we push that as close to number one as we can. I want to empower those kids in a
positive way to take control over their own life. That's how we teach kids
responsibility. If the kids can't be in control, my strong preference is that the
parents will step up and appropriately in a positive way, take control in those
kids lives. I don't want the state showing up. I've been in that position
before. Or I'm the guy who had to make the call to get the state involved.
That's not fun. So, we're going to push it to number one as close as we can. Here's
how we're going to do it. First of all, let's understand what these 3 stages are.
At stage 1, it's all self-centered. It's all about me, me, me. What's in it for me?
Tends to be very selfish, demanding, manipulative. This is where fighting
happens. This is where tantrums occur. Is this sounding familiar to anyone? Yeah.
You as parents see this and you can identify it very quickly. This is stage
one maturity. And remember, it's not about age. It's about stage. So, could your 13
year old be on stage 1? Yeah. Absolutely. What if you
17-year-old is on stage 1? We expect our 2-year-old to be there.
That's developmentally appropriate. But when these older kids get into stage one,
we say that they are immature, right? Because we expect them to be at a higher
level of development. That stage 1, got it. Now, let's move to stage 2. At stage
2, we stop fighting and start cooperating. At stage 2, we don't want
any problems. We want to keep the peace. At stage 2 we're willing to negotiate.
And we're willing to work out some kind of a win-win solution. You scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours. It's a very complimentary, very workable stage of
development. Are you excited for stage 3 now? Let's look at stage 3. Stage 3 is
where true responsibility kicks in. This is where our behavior is driven by
morals and ethics and values. It's where we actually do the right things for the
right reasons. Stage 3 is where initiative kicks in.
Initiative is where you see what needs to be done and you do it. You don't even
have to be asked. Stage 3 is this amazing stage where you get to have a whole lot
of control over your own life. Now, can you correctly identify those 3
stages in your own kids? Or as the case may be in yourself, let's watch out for
that too. But in your kids, let's say that you've got a 13-year-old kid, okay? What
stage is that person on? Ha! Trick question. It's not about age, it's about
stage. Any kid of any age could be in any of these stages. 13 years old, you'd
expect them to be reasonably mature, right? So, what if I approached my 13 year
old. We'll call him Burr Fleur. Hey Burr Fleur, would you please take out the
garbage? Now, if Burr Fleur is on stage 1, what kind of a response might again?
"Who do you think I am? Your slave? Nobody else ever asked to do anything around here.
it's always me. Why are you always picking on me. This isn't
fair. I want another family." Or it might be more subtle. "Whatever." I don't even
know what that means. Do you? Either way, stage 1, he's not going to
cooperate. Okay. What if he's on stage 2? "Hey Burr Fleur, would you take out the
garbage?" "Yeah, okay." Or he's not happy about it. "Fine!" And then he does it with
heavy feet. You know so you hear every step as he comes out to take out the
garbage. But he's going to cooperate. That's the key at stage 2. What if he's on
stage 3? "Hey Burr Fleur, would you take out the garbage? "Oh! Uh, dad I already did
that. I know that it goes out every Thursday. Is there anything else I could
help you do today?" Would that be amazing? Kids can figure this out. And when they
do, guess what? Their parents want to give them more control. Meaning, freedom, right?
Now, why does this work? Because what do kids want? They want freedom. Okay,
that's written up on our graph is control. They want control. What do
parents want? Now, I asked kids this and they say, "Oh, my parents want to control
my life. I'm looking at mom or dad over there and they're like, I've too much to
do. I wish they would control their life so I don't have to." Parents don't want
control. Parents want maturity. Don't. they? Yeah.
That means we've got a deal in the making. Because kids can have control and
parents are happy to give it to them if kids will give their parents maturity.
See, how true that is? And kids understand this too. The positive
parenting approach to teaching kids responsibility has to do with
understanding these 3 stages so that you can do the right thing as a parent.
Now, there's three C's I'm going to share with you as to what your job is as a
parent. And it depends on what stage your kids are on. So, if you're confident that
you know, let's look at stage one first. Consequences. It's the only thing that
works on stage one. Why? Because this is their stage of moral development. This is
why they do what they do. It's all about externalized consequences. We'll do some
other videos about some of the possibilities for what those might look
like. Consequences bleed over to stage 2. But there's a big difference in the
kind of consequences we use at stage 2 versus stage 1. And it has to do with
control. At stage 1, you have to use consequences that do not require
cooperation. Why? Because you don't get it until stage 2 by definition. Stage 2 will
still use consequences but they can be the kind that require cooperation. You
see the difference? Well and when they move to stage 2, we'll add communication.
Because now they're at the stage of development where they can rationally
communicate. And we can have some conversation with them about the morals
or the principles or the purposes behind whatever it is that we've asked them to
do. Stage 3, that one's easy. Consultation.
This is where your kids come to you and they ask you for your wise sagely advice.
And as you share that with them they say, "Oh, thank you dear mother. I will do that."
Then they go home to their own 5 kids. Now, maybe they can learn it before
they're adults. I think they can and I've seen many kids do this. But the point at
stage 3 is that it's self discipline. So, you get to back off as a parent and
just allow them to do their thing because they're at that stage of moral
development. Positive parenting. This is an affirming approach that acknowledges
the moral developmental stage of your child. And then all you have to do is
discern where they are so that you can come in on the top half of that diagram
and take however much control is needed. It's a great theory to start with our
positive parenting. Wow. What an adventure this parenting thing is. Now with some
positive parenting, we'll be able to teach those kids
responsibilities even better. Share this episode with someone you love.