- Me and my fella try and be romantic to each other
whenever we feel like it,
sometimes we celebrate Valentines Day, sometimes we don't.
We didn't this year, we did last year.
Last year, a few days before Valentines Day,
he said to me, I could do with some suggestions
on the present front.
And I said, that's fine, 'cause I know some women
like a surprise, but I'm quite happy to know
what it is, 'cause I'm really busy
and I don't have time to take the bugger back.
(audience laughing)
So I said to him, I said, there's a shop called Accessorise
that I love, I said, you could pretty much get anything
in there and you'd be on safe ground.
I described the kind of thing that I like,
I said, it's relatively inexpensive costume jewellery.
So this sort of thing, beads and little flowery earrings,
quite plasticy, quite girly, quite cheap,
nothing that looks like actual jewellery.
And he said, fine, logged, I do love him,
but that's what he's like, logged.
(audience laughing)
And off he went.
And I wanna show you what he bought us.
(audience laughing)
Bare in mind the last thing I said to him was,
nothing that looks like actual jewellery.
First thing he bought us was nine pairs
of identical diamante earrings.
(audience laughing)
Just in case I was thinking, well that's not enough
diamante earrings for a girl
who's got her ears pierced just the once,
(audience laughing)
another three pairs of almost identical diamante earrings.
(audience laughing)
Now you ladies might have noticed,
especially near the front,
that they're not from Accessorise,
they're from Claire's Accessories.
(audience laughing)
So I said to him, they're lovely, thank you.
But you didn't, so you didn't make it to Accessorise then?
He said, I went to the girls shop.
(audience laughing)
I said, yes, it's a 12 year old girl shop.
(audience laughing)
I reminded him that that's where we got presents
for his nieces who are 11 and 12
and he went, yeah, I said girls.
(audience laughing) His logic was brilliant.
I thought, he must have walked in Claire's Accessories
and gone, she wants anything from in here?
(audience laughing)
I'm probably lucky that he didn't come home
with a tiara with fucking kittens on it.
(audience laughing)
He said, there's something else in the bag.
Oh great.
(audience laughing)
He said, I got you a couple of bangles.
(audience laughing)
I said, they're earrings.
(audience laughing)
He said, they're bangles.
I said, they're earrings.
They're like, I'm off to McDonald's and I wanna fit in.
(audience laughing)
I said, they've got a little hinge
so that you can get them in your ears.
He said, that's so that you can get them on your wrists.
(audience laughing)
He thought of everything, apart from anything I told him.
(audience laughing)
I said, I just hope that when you got to the till,
you didn't tell the lady that they were for your girlfriend,
'cause if you did, you might well be on
some kind of fucking register now.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
When I lived alone, I really like it.
I really like living alone,
but one of the things I love about living with somebody else
again is I like the unpredictability of it.
I like that every now and again,
a sentence will come out that I would never have said.
The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went,
your shed's no good to have a wank in.
(audience laughing)
And I said, that's because it's a greenhouse, love.
(audience laughing)
But I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year
and he lifted me up like in a romantic fashion
and put me down again, obviously.
(audience laughing)
In a different place.
(audience laughing)
Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn't it?
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Played the guess the weight of the ladies stall
at the fairground.
Too fucking much.
And when he put me back down
'cause I'd been reading a bit of Jane Austin
on holiday, I came over all sort of,
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Like I needed a fan.
(laughing)
And I said, was I, was I very heavy?
And he's supposed to follow the lead
and say something along the lines of,
why, you weighed no more than a dried leaf.
(audience laughing)
But he didn't, he went, manageable.
(audience laughing)
But like I said, I've been with my fella
for six years, it's going really well.
He bought himself a suit recently,
I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit,
I quite fancied him in his suit and I told him,
I said, quite fancy you in your suit.
And he said, and I quote, it's very smooth,
he said, if you like, I'll leave it on
and sort you out all good and proper, all posh and that.
(audience laughing)
I said, you forgot to say Miss Moneypenny on the end.
(audience laughing)
But the only time we ever argue
is when it comes to Christmas, birthdays,
present giving times, that sorta thing,
'cause he really likes to buy me surprises
and I really hate surprises.
(audience laughing)
We've got a bit of a happy medium now though,
the last couple of years, where I give him a list
of pre-approved surprises.
(audience laughing)
Five or six things, he can pick whichever one he likes,
I dunno which one it's gonna be,
so it's still technically a surprise.
He came home a few days before my birthday last year
and he said, never guess what I've just done.
I said, what have you just done?
He said, I've gone off list.
(audience laughing)
He said, I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it.
I said, why the fuck did you buy it then?
(audience laughing)
I mean, thank you.
(audience laughing)
But a friend of mine that doesn't really know us
very well, she said, oh,
that sounds like an engagement ring to me.
I said, no, it sounds like Ker Plunk.
(audience laughing)
But I told you I live on my own,
my boyfriend also lives on his own.
I think some people think that's quite odd
that we've been together a few years
and we don't live together,
but we sort of feel like we've got the best of both worlds,
'cause we have a few days a week together
and a few days a week apart and it's ideal.
There was a time that he moved in with me for three months
because he was between flats and it made sense,
and I was fine with it 'cause there was an end date.
I'm a bit stuck in my ways.
I love you, but bye.
(audience laughing)
And while he was at mine for those three months,
I worked away for a week and when I came back,
some things had changed in my flat.
(audience laughing)
And I said, love,
one of the towels smells of bums.
(audience laughing)
You got any idea what that might be?
(audience laughing)
And not even thinking, he just went,
that'll be me bum towel.
(audience laughing)
So when he did eventually move out,
as a housewarming present,
I bought him a small brown hand towel.
(audience laughing)
It's good because it's brown, he doesn't have to wash it,
he can just crack it and use it again.
(audience laughing)
But I live in a flat, I live in a block of flats
and I came out the front door a few months ago
and there was just a shoe on the pavement,
you've all seen that, haven't you, just a lone shoe,
and you just think, here, I wonder what happened there.
(audience laughing)
And then you carry on with your day,
which is exactly what I did.
But a week goes by and the shoe was still there,
it's now joined by a man's shirt.
(audience laughing)
A couple of days after that, same shoe, same shirt,
pair of man's pants.
And I thought, is one woman just really slowly
dumping her boyfriend?
(audience laughing)
Am I gonna come out in six weeks time,
there's gonna be a big pile of clothes
and just a severed cock on the top?
(audience laughing)
I mean, I haven't dumped anybody in a while,
is that still how we do it, girls?
(audience laughing) Is it, yes it is.
Good to know, thank you.
But he is a lovely man, he's lovely
and we were in bed the other day
and he got quite animated
and he shouted out, feel how hard that is.
(audience laughing)
And I thought, you bugger, it's Tuesday,
we didn't have this booked in.
(audience laughing)
Turns out he's talking about the skin on his feet.
(audience laughing)
I thought about taking him to one of those places,
you know those places that are popping up
all over the place where it's got a tank with a fish in
and you put your feet in
and the fish nibble at the hard skin, you know those places?
And I thought about taking him to one of those
and I thought, I cani do that.
The poor little fish,
they'll think he's got fucking shoes on.
(audience laughing)
I'm just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead.
(audience laughing)
But he's lovely, he's the nicest person I've ever met,
he's a genuinely good man.
In January this year, I said to him, you know what,
I think it's about time we started talking about the future.
And that's what I expected from him,
an awkward silence.
(audience laughing)
Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of me life.
(audience laughing)
But he didn't, he just smiled,
just really like a beaming grin
and I was really touched and I thought,
oh my God, he wants to spend his future with me, yay.
And I said, are you sure you're all right
talking about the future?
And he went, what, like flying cars and that?
(audience laughing)
But we have quite busy lives,
as I'm sure a lot of you guys do too
and when we go on holiday, we like to go somewhere relaxing,
somewhere where we can look at nice scenery
and read books, that's all we really want to do.
My boyfriend doesn't like to fly,
so we tend to stay within the UK,
and because we don't have to pay for expensive flights,
we sometimes treat ourselves to a slightly posher hotel.
The last posh hotel we stayed in had two baths
either side of each other
and I thought, oh, we're gonna be able
to have really romantic baths together
without having to stare at hairy toes.
(audience laughing)
That man puts up with an awful lot with me.
(audience laughing)
To be fair, his feet aren't any better.
They're not horrific, they're just, you know, feet.
(audience laughing)
Nails are a bit long, toes are a bit hairy,
there's crusty bits on the bottoms,
you know that sorta thing.
(audience laughing)
I said, you look like you could pick up mice with those,
they've got a,
(audience laughing)
certain owl like quality to them.
(audience laughing)
But you know, we don't live together,
we have a few days a week together
and a few days a week apart
and when we're apart and I get to sleep in my own bed,
on my own, I fucking love it.
(audience laughing)
Star fish, I love it.
(audience laughing)
See we all love our partners,
but when you're trying to get to sleep,
they all do niggly things, don't they, like breathing.
(audience laughing)
30 years together, is there anything about each other
when you're trying to get to sleep that's irritating?
- [Audience Member] Snoring. - He snores, does he snore?
Give us a cheer all the people
who think that they're a snorer.
(audience cheering)
All the people who know they're sitting beside a snorer.
(audience cheering)
There's a bit of denial in the room tonight.
(audience laughing)
My boyfriend snores and I found out recently
that my dad also snores 'cause I was winging to me mam
about me boyfriend snoring,
and she said, have you tried these,
and then slid something across the kitchen bench
like it was drugs, try these.
(audience laughing)
What they were were those nasal strips,
I don't know if you've seen them?
They're little strips that go across
the bridge of the snorers nose
so that they open their nostrils out
so that they can breathe more clearly
and in theory, they don't snore anymore.
Now they worked for us for a while
until it came to Christmas.
Now something you need to know about me
is that I really love Brussels sprouts.
(audience laughing)
My boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts.
So Christmas, we get a big bag of Brussels sprouts
and I eat the lot, and I don't mind telling ya,
I'm pretty fucking toxic.
(audience laughing)
So just before we went to bed on Christmas night,
my boyfriend went,
do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight?
(audience laughing)
I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger
than they have to be.
(audience laughing)
Another thing he does, he puts his arm across us
and I feel, I quite like that, 'cause I feel quite safe
and protected, I suppose,
but then sometimes he puts his leg across
and I think, oh now you're taking the fucking piss.
(audience laughing)
The last time he did it, he put his foot,
and remember, I described it not that long ago,
(audience laughing)
he put his foot on me leg and he rubbed it up and down.
(audience laughing)
And I went, what you'd doing?
(audience laughing)
He went, I'm being tender.
(audience laughing)
I said, no love, you're exfoliating.
(audience laughing)
A bit of advice I've got is for the ladies in the room,
I've discovered as a women
how you know whether or not you're overweight.
So during the throws of passion
when your partner picks you up,
whether or not they say, one, two, three first.
(audience laughing)
It's my favourite joke.
(audience laughing)
It's getting less funny as the days go on.
(audience laughing)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.