LA
UM, A ONE-WOMAN SHOW THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON
FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
UM, ABOUT A WOMAN THAT HAS SHAKEN HISTORY TO THE CORE.
AND THAT WOMAN, OF COURSE, IS ANNE BOLEYN.
AND I AM SO EXCITED TO PRESENT TO YOU
THE FIRST ACT OF MY SHOW,
"ANNE BOLEYN ON FIRE."
[ LAUGHS ]
UM...
BUT, UM, BEFORE I DO THAT, BEFORE I BREAK INTO ANNE --
BECAUSE ONCE I BECOME HER,
THERE'S -- THERE'S NO COMING BACK, UM, ALL THE LAYERS --
UH, I JUST WANT TO DEDICATE, UH, THIS PERFORMANCE
TO SOMEONE WHO HAS STOOD BY MY SIDE THROUGH ALL OF IT.
AND HE'S BEEN MY DRAMATURGE AND MY BOYFRIEND,
AND IT HAPPENS TO BE HIS BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.
AND, UM, I KNOW HE'S GONNA HATE ME,
BUT WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE THAN IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?
SCOTTIE, COULD YOU COME ONSTAGE REAL QUICK,
JUST FOR A QUICK BIRTHDAY?
AND THEN THAT'S IT. COME ON, COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHING ]
AAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MMM.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, WAIT! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
UM, WHOA, WHOA.
UH, BEFORE YOU SIT BACK DOWN,
I HAVE ONE OTHER BIRTHDAY SURPRISE.
WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR A LONG TIME NOW.
AND EVERY DAY THAT I'M WITH YOU
IS LIKE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
AND I CANNOT IMAGINE SPENDING A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT YOU.
JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME SUICIDAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND, UM, I'VE BEEN RACKING MY HEAD, TRYING TO THINK,
"OH, WHAT CAN I GET SCOTTIE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
"THAT HE DOESN'T ALREADY HAVE?
HE HAS EVERYTHING."
AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "OH.
THERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU
AND THAT IS, UM, TO ASK YOU...
IF YOU WOULD MARRY ME.
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE A GOOD SHOW.
[ APPLAUSE ]
UH, I WAS BEING SERIOUS.
[ CHUCKLES WEAKLY ]
HEY.
WE GOT TO KEEP DOING THE SHOW.
[ SOBBING ]
ALL RIGHT.
UM, UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
"ANNE BOLEYN ON FIRE."
[ Cockney accent ] 'ELLO. MY NAME IS ANNE BOLEYN.
AND THIS IS MY STORY.
[ BLOWS AIR ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
MMM!
OH! HELLO!
WELCOME TO MY CASTLE!
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN LONDON, IS IT NOT?
OOH! BUT WHAT'S THAT I SEE ON THE HORIZON?!
WHY, IT LOOKS LIKE A CLOUD
WITH THE OMINOUS THREAT OF A STORM.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S NOT A CLOUD AT ALL.
WHY, THAT'S KING HENRY VIII!
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GASPS ]
OH! THANK YOU, KING HENRY! THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!
BUT DON'T THESE BELONG TO YOUR WIFE,
CATHERINE OF ARAGON?
WHAT?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DIVORCE HER?! THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!
OH. WELL, I GUESS YOU
YOU CERTAINLY ARE.
[ Normal voice ] IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE
NO.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GRUNTS ]
OH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IS IT BECAUSE YOU HAD A GAY SCARE? IS THAT WHY?
'CAUSE WE'RE ALSO -- OOH!
YOU MADE ME GAY!