in society we are surrounded by daily
chaos chaos which for many people
couldn't just blend into the background
them not being even aware of it it's
there like sounds smells sights and for
me these were and still can't be to a
point exaggerated and I can find myself
in in a height of anxiety giving me that
kind of low-level rumbling headache
before I'd even got to whether it was
school or work sounds for me again were
and still are exaggerated and I can't
hear myself think amongst the chaos
whether that chaos is a busy road and a
group of people and so imagine walking
past that group of people and and not
being able to decipher what they don't
maybe what they're talking about and the
natural thing for anyone is to to walk
past you look up you look him in the eye
and at one point in my life that would
be really painful I use the word pain
because it was painful you get almost
that electricity shock running through
your your body and and it would take my
brain so long to process this that by
the end of the day I was still fixated
on this interaction for me going back
years we're talking sort of 80s 90s I
only had the bus as my mode of transport
and was the oh yeah I had the old school
bus or you had the old village bus and
the smell of those old buses you get on
the bus you'd have the waft of the
cigarettes work because people still
able to smoke
the buses roughed in down immediately
you feel that nauseousness you would get
that rumbling headache and then you'd
sit down and you sit by a stranger
somebody didn't know and that or could
close feeling they turn you could smell
their breath and you can smell their
clothes and you for me and that would
almost reduce me immediately to tears I
knew I couldn't and and I would
immediately think of being at home but I
knew for that day I had to continue
wading through this chaos work we all
have to work we all have to pay bills we
all have to buy food and as a child you
get you can get away with and having a
meltdown and refusing to do things not
talking but there is a certain adult
expectation and to work to pay the bills
to live otherwise you will end up in
that shadow of society there were work
work options for me and a very young age
young for me and and I had the choice of
and either staying at home or working
and working to get the things that my
peers were telling me that I needed and
so I went to work every shift would
reduce me to tears and I'd have the
smell of the restaurant where I worked
the shop where I worked I had the people
there I couldn't quite decipher what
they were talking about and at that
point because of low self-esteem I just
assumed it was about me I'd have the
firing of instructions and instructions
that I couldn't understand couldn't keep
in my head and they'd be talking about
things that were alien to me so they'd
be talk about their social life and
they'd ask me about my social life and
at this point at a young age
it was absolutely non-existence and
things would throw me so
I would be doing my job and all of a
sudden there be a smell I think that
would take me right back to a bad past
there would be a person walking in it
could be a bully from the past but
rather than it just take me back and me
get over it it would take me back to
that moment so I was feeling every
single step of that time when that was
happening to me what I needed when I was
working I needed space to process things
I needed quietness I didn't have that
obviously so it would go in the to-do
pile and my brain would start to
overload but there was no time for me to
process this luckily for me and I had a
secret with my dad that if I wasn't
coping just give him the nod fine I
didn't need to work for others and there
were the assumptions that and I'd be
nobody I wouldn't have any friends I
wouldn't have a job I'd have no life and
it just put me in that shadow of society
when it did start working so moving on a
bit sort of early late teens and I I
didn't quite fit in and I didn't quite
understand what was going on I tried I
tried to take things on I tried to I
tried the jokes got the jokes wrong I
spoke too loud I I said the wrong thing
and I would try humor and that would
fail so instead I just decided that I
just sit back and watch as much as I
could to work out these interactions
human interactions was completely
baffling me and and if I did work it out
I struggled because I'd be talking to
the person and I would fixate on rather
than what they were talking about I'd
fixate on it could be the light above
them the smell of their clothes the and
because there was a lot of noise around
and I struggled to follow the
conversation and so
I'd often be accused of being deaf be
told to check my hair in there's nothing
wrong my hair and it was just the
process and of all this information our
reputation is you know it can be at
stake we do the things that we need to
do and I read an article recently it was
an article from 1959 which said that
from past experiences we could tell
which kind of people would be in which
social settings although we've come far
now and a lot further we still are
expected to do things like work like pay
bills education people look at how much
you earn what education you've got and
and you have to appear normal and appear
to be part of that for me it all took
its toll on me and I began to do things
that I'd self-harm I thought myself is
the devil child and I would and struggle
hugely and and I didn't understand why
everyone just got on with it and I just
felt hurt every single step that was
really difficult for me and there's no
explanation I realized that it was about
faking it to make it so I started on
this journey of starting to look at what
other people would do him luckily I have
my dad so I could check things out with
him but imagine two months later he died
and every there was no one else who
could understand me I tried but it
didn't work
luckily I did have a GP who although he
didn't understand was with me on that
journey I'll give you an example of me
trying to work things out and we had
photocopiers to the photocopier was in
another room and when I went to
photocopy and when other people went to
photocopy people would look at them say
hello not at them when I went in
everyone ignored me I thought it's very
hard
so I kept watching him and watching him
and then I noticed that people raise
their head say hello so I started doing
this and it started to work and I
started to move on unscheduled
interactions that you know they were and
still are quite difficult for me and I
can struggle with those but just imagine
at every step what you have going
through your head I was having ten times
a hundred times that information to
process at the time it took one person
to recognize what I was going through
luckily luckily they were the one that
employed me so and I still got comments
I've got comments from people I got
comments from people telling me what
others thought I got comments and you
know quite nasty comments but I was
committed to this work ethic and my dad
the one thing he did give me gave me
hope and and he gave me this work ethic
so I had to carry him then I decided at
one point I thought right that's it I'm
gonna cure myself I'm gonna go out there
I'm going to find a cure get over this
and it was at this point on my own I
realized I'd had I had Asperger's it was
difficult to to diagnose because I had
come a flash dip my whole life I had to
camouflage it I so people were
recognizing it but they were even the
the professionals still one yes it would
have you go into work that's fine get on
with it you're fine but it took a long
time for me to you know to get people to
understand and it then took a second
person to come into my life a mentor who
began to empower me in the workplace
empower me outside the workplace and
they I began to I got the support from
the local mental health and team as well
and I began to move on I began to accept
this
that that was at 23 the age of 23 but I
got the diagnosis this was now
approaching forties I began to actually
feel like a real person I began to open
up to people sometimes that went wrong
sometimes I got extremely bullied by it
but I began to open up I began to find
things that I could work with so you
know I'd have a few friends that we do
you know they accepted the social things
I do and I don't do they had the support
of when I go out with my dog and you
know she's my social tool for people
when I'm talking to people and it was at
this point following that hope that my
dad had given me I thought right I need
to tell people about this what what if I
don't tell my story what about those
that are coming through the same journey
as me what about those who don't see
that like I need to be out there telling
my story and telling educating people
about this I need to support those that
still coming through the system and
letting them know that actually you do
get on this journey you do cope that is
why I'm here today and Ted that Ted and
now at 43 I've actually learned to tell
my story and hopefully impact empower
people thank you
you