♪ START SPREADING THE NEWS,
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE
[SIRENS]
[SCREECHING TIRES]
>> Greg: HA-HA.
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE A NUCLEAR
BLAST IN THE CITY THAT ALREADY
SMELLS LIKE ASS?
TRUE, NEW YORKERS ARE WORRIED
ABOUT CRIME, DISEASE AND
INFLATION CAN NOW ADD NUCLEAR
RADIATION.
NEW YORK CITY’S EMERGENCY
MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT PRODUCED A
P.S.AMOUNT OF -- P.S.A. ON HOW
TO SURVIVE A NUCLEAR BOMB.
THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS
WORRYING ABOUT WITH THE NAKED
MAN FONDLING HIMSELF ON THE R
TRAIN.
I WAS PRAYING FOR A NUCLEAR
BOMB.
ROLL T RICARDO.
>> THERE’S BEEN A NUCLEAR
ATTACK.
DON’T ASK ME HOW OR WHY BUT JUST
KNOW THAT THE BIG ONE HAS HIT,
OK?
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
THERE ARE THREE IMPORTANT STEPS
THAT I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER.
>> Greg: DON’T ASK ME HOW OR
WHY?
WELL, THAT’S CONVENIENT.
NO BACK STORY ON WHY WE GOT
NUKED?
I’LL MAKE UP MY OWN.
BIDEN THOUGHT HE WAS PRESSING THE BUTTON FOR THE NURSE.
THE BUTTON FOR THE NURSE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT PLEASE TELL ME THE STEPS,
LADY DRESSED LIKE STEVE JOBS.
>> STEP 1, GET INSIDE FAST.
YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY
GET INSIDE, AND, NO, STAYING IN
THE CAR IS NOT AN OPTION.
YOU NEED TO GET INTO A BUILDING
AND MOVE AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS.
STEP 2, STAY INSIDE.
CLOSE ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS.
HAVE A BASEMENT?
HEAD THERE.
IF YOU DON’T HAVE ONE, GET AS
FAR INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE
BUILDING AS POSSIBLE.
>> Greg: WOW, STAYING IN CARS
IS NOT AN OPTION.
WHAT WILL COMEDIANS LIKE JAMIE
DO?
THAT’S WHERE HE LIVES.
OR DIVORCED COMICS, THAT IS.
BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE OUTSIDE AFTER
THE BLAST?
>> IF YOU WERE OUTSIDE AFTER THE
BLAST, GET CLEAN IMMEDIATELY.
REMOVE AND BAG ALL OUTER
CLOTHING TO KEEP RADIO ACTIVE
DUST OR ASH AWAY FROM YOUR BODY.
STEP 3, STAY TUNED.
FOLLOW MEDIA FOR MORE
INFORMATION.
DON’T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR
NOTIFY NYC FOR OFFICIAL ALERTS
AND UPDATES AND DON’T GO OUTSIDE
UNTIL OFFICIALS SAY IT’S SAFE.
ALL RIGHT?
YOU’VE GOT THIS.
>> Greg: YOU’VE GOT THIS?
SORRY, HONEY, THIS IS A NUCLEAR
WAR, NOT A PILATES CLASS.
AND REMOVE AND BAG ALL OUTER
CLOTHING?
THAT’S WHAT WE DO AFTER WE VISIT
KAT’S OFFICE?
SO WHY IS NEW YORK GIVING
INSTRUCTIONS NOW ABOUT A NUCLEAR
BLAST?
MAYBE MAYOR ADAMS IS FINALLY
SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING CRIMINALS
OFF THE STREETS?
THERE’S SYRINGE-FILLED SIDEWALKS
AND INSANE ASYLUM SUBWAY.
THE ONLY PEOPLE GETTING ARRESTED
ARE THOSE DEFENDING THEMSELVES
AGAINST ATTACKERS.
MAYBE THE CITY’S STRATEGY IS TO
GET US ALL INSIDE AND BLOW
EVERYTHING UP WHICH I AM AGAINST
BUT I DO WISH THE CITY WOULD PUT
OUT A PSA TO HELP US COPE WITH
THE REAL PROBLEM.
[SIRENS]
>> SO YOUR CITY’S BEEN TAKEN
OVER BY PROGRESSIVES.
IT’S IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO
UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO
GET A LOT WORSE, BUT THERE ARE
STEPS YOU CAN TAKE TO STAY SAFE.
STEP 1, GET INSIDE.
PROGRESSIVE CRIMES IN YOUR
STREETS ARE ABOUT TO BECOME
VIOLENT DRUG-FUELED HOMELESS
NIGHTMARES.
STEP 2, WATCH OUT FOR HUMAN
EXCREMENT.
IT’S GOING TO BE EVERYWHERE.
POOR CITY PLANNING, URBAN DECAY
AND LACK OF LAW ENFORCEMENT MEAN
PUBLIC STREETS ARE NOW PUBLIC
BATHROOMS.
STEP 3, STAY TUNED TO THE MEDIA.
THE MEDIA KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR
YOUR FAMILIES.
THE MEDIA ARE BETTER THAN YOU.
ALSO.
DON’T GET TOO ATTACHED TO YOUR
WALLET.
YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF
THEM.
YOU’VE GOT THIS.
NOT MY PHONE, TOO!
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: LYDIA, AS A NEW
YORKER, DO YOU FIND THIS HELPFUL
AT ALL?
THIS NUCLEAR WAR PREP VIDEO?
>> I COULD USE A PSA FOR HOW NOT
TO GET PUSHED IN FRONT OF A
TRAIN.
THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL.
MY THEORY ON THIS, THERE’S
325,000 NEW YORK CITY EMPLOYEES
AND I THINK THEY HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY THE
TAXPAYER DOLLARS THAT GO TO THEM
AND THIS IS VERY REMINISCENT TO
ME OF IF YOU’LL REMEMBER IN
COVID, THE CITY RELEASED A
GUIDELINE FOR HOW TO HAVE SAFE
SEX WHILE WEARING AN N95 MASK.
>> Greg: RIGHT!
THAT WAS GREAT!
>> THIS IS VERY MUCH IN THE
GENRE OF THINGS THAT IF PEOPLE
HAD BETTER THINGS TO BE DOING
THEY WOULDN’T BE DOING.
>> I DISAGREE.
I THINK THE BOMB’S COMING.
>> Greg: THE WHOLE THING ABOUT
TELLING TO YOU WEAR THE N93 MASK
DURING SEX, YOU HAVE TO PUT IT
OVER THE OTHER MASK?
>> YEAH.
THERE’S A LOT OF PROTECTION THEY
WANTED PEOPLE TO HAVE.
>> YOU’RE NOT FANS OF THAT?
>> AND THE RED BALL GETS IN THE
WAY.
CAN’T HEAR THE SAFE WORDS.
A LOT OF CONFUSION.
>> Greg: OH MY GOD, KAT!
>> YEP.
>> Greg: DO YOU FIND IT
HELPFUL?
>> NO, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IF
I’M IN THE MIDST OF A NUCLEAR
BOMB ATTACK, I’M NOT GOING TO
REMEMBER, LIKE, THE VIDEO, AND
-- OR ANYTHING.
I’M GOING TO RUN AROUND
SCREAMING I’M GOING TO BE
SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM, JUST
LIKE IN ANY CRISIS.
>> Greg: EXACTLY.
I WANT TO BE THE WALKING DEAD.
I DON’T WANT TO BE SOMEBODY
PROTECTING PEOPLE FROM THE
WALKING DEAD.
>> I JUST WON’T BE ABLE TO.
THE FACT THEY START WITH DON’T
ASK ME HOW, DON’T ASK ME WHY --
I WANT TO ASK WHY I CAN’T ASK
WHY.
>> Greg: YES.
JAMIE, THEY JUST GAVE US ANOTHER
REASON TO LEAVE THIS CITY,
RIGHT?
IT’S LIKE -- THINK ABOUT THIS,
WHAT DOES THE SUBLIMINAL THING
IS, WE ONLY BOMB BIG CITIES ANY
WAY.
HERE IS ANOTHER REASON TO GET
THE HELL OUT OF NEW YORK AND GO
TO AUSTIN OR GO TO NASHVILLE.
THIS IS BASICALLY A VIDEO
TELLING YOU TO LEAVE.
>> IT IS, LIKE WE NEED MORE
STUFF LIKE THIS TO SCARE US.
DO WE NEED MORE STUFF?
IT’S LIKE THE NEXT VIDEO.
THEY’RE JUST LIKE, BOO!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?
I’M SO GLAD I SAW THIS PSA,
BECAUSE I MEMORIZED ALL THE
STEPS BECAUSE MY OLD PLAN IF
THERE WAS A NUCLEAR ATTACK WAS
JUST GOING TO BE TO BE VAPORIZED
VAPORIZED.
[LAUGHTER]
I’M GOING TO DO THIS INSTEAD.
>> MAYBE THIS IS THEIR ATTEMPT
TO FINALLY GET RID OF ALL THE
COCKROACHES.
>> Greg: THAT’S TRUE BUT
THEY’LL DEFINITELY LIVE.
THE COCKROACHES WILL LIVE.
>> I LIKED STEP 3.
WASH ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES.
I LIKE HOW THEY ASSUMED I WOULD
[BLEEP] MY PANTS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> YEAH, BUT EVERYONE WOULD ALSO
DO STEP 4 WHERE YOU CHECK THE
MIRROR TO SEE IF IT MADE YOU
UGLY.
>> Greg: THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE
TO EMBRACE IT.
YOU HAVE TO EMBRACE IT.
ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU’RE HIDEOUS.
IT’S LIKE, OK --
>> I’M GOING BACK OUTSIDE!
>> Greg: I’M GOING BACK
OUTSIDE!
PILLAGE.
FINALLY, I GET TO PILLAGE.
TYRUS, WHAT DID YOU -- YOU
COULDN’T HOLD IT TOGETHER?
>> BECAUSE I APPARENTLY SAW A
DIFFERENT VIDEO THAN YOU GUYS.
EVERYTHING I HEARD WAS YOU GOT
ABOUT 15 MINUTES, WHOEVER IS
CLOSEST TO YOU, GET INSIDE AND
HAVE SOME FUN AND YOU DON’T EVEN
HAVE TO DO IT IN THE CAR
ANYMORE, YOU DO IT ON THE ROOF.
AS SOON AS YOU GET DONE, GET
OUTSIDE AND DO IT AGAIN.
GET AS MANY AS YOU CAN.
THEY’RE NOT GOING TO ASK HOW OR
WHY.
YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES.
SO LET’S ALL JUST GET WEIRD.
LET’S GO OUT -- THAT’S WHAT I
TOOK IT AS.
DON’T ASK/DON’T TELL BECAUSE
WE’RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND ANY
WAYS SO --
>> Greg: YEAH.
YEAH.
THEN YOU HAVE TO -- OH, BUT IF
YOU SURVIVE, YOU HAVE TO START
THE WHOLE RACE ALL OVER AGAIN. >> WE HAVE A GOOD START BEFORE
>> WE HAVE A GOOD START BEFORE