In this video, we're going to be talking about how to get a stubborn ex back. But first,
my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
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ahead and get into this. So we're talking about stubborn exes. How
do we get a stubborn ex to come back to us? And what we've got to do is we got to look
first at what is causing stubbornness, and that can be all sorts of different reasons,
but if you boil it down, it's really about the fact that they don't trust that you have
the same intentions and the same goals and the same outcome that they want, okay? So
there's kind of that split between the two of you. That is to say basically that the
two of you don't see each other as being on the same team. They definitely don't see you
as being on the same team as them and chances are, in a strange sort of way, you probably
don't see them as being on the same team as you either. You're probably walking on eggshells
around them, trying to overthink what you should say or what you shouldn't say, wondering
how often you should text them, things like that. These are like little symptoms that
maybe you aren't on the same team with them as well too.
So what you want to do, first and foremost, is to pull them onto the same side as you.
And what that's going to do is it's going to kind of set up a momentum, a trajectory,
that's going to allow the two of you to start cooperating with one another. And what this
is going to do is it's going to actually start to get them to say, "Hey, we're actually on
the same team." Now, this is really important because obviously, the only reason someone
needs to be stubborn or defensive or reluctant or hesitant against you, and maybe what you
might be trying to communicate to somebody, is because they don't see you as being on
the same team. But once they actually see that the two of you are in the same team,
a lot of that armor, a lot of that defensiveness, a lot of that reservation and distance that
they try to keep you out starts to go away because the two of you were on the same team.
You're not defensive against your teammate. You're just like, "Hey, we're both trying
to get over here. We're trying to get the ball over here. Let's make it happen." And
whenever it seems like your teammate is doing something weird, you just tap him on the shoulder
and say, "Hey, what's going on? I thought we were trying to get the ball over there?
From where I'm sitting, it doesn't seem like you're doing that. Help me understand." And
that's actually the kind of dynamic that you can have with your ex. But that stubbornness
is not going to get better until you actually bring them on to the same team as you. So
that's why it's really important that you actually have a same team conversation with
them. I know. I'm really original with my titles here, but hey, whatever. Easy enough
to remember, I suppose. But you want to actually have a same team conversation with them, where
you acknowledge the dynamic that's happening right now between the two of you. You acknowledge
whatever that might be. So, for example, if it seems like they're
putting distance between the two of you, just say, "Hey, it seems like you feel the need
to put distance between the two of us. I can totally understand that, given what's going
on, given our history, given our past, and all of that, but I don't want that to happen.
I think that you might feel a little bit confused about how we fit into each other's lives,
which might be why you are putting that distance between the two of us. And I'll admit, sometimes,
I feel confused as well too, but what about this? What if instead of us trying to figure
this out on our own and trying to anticipate the other person's next move and what we should
do to manage that, or whatever, what if we just figure this out together? What if we
just admit it? "Hey, this is a weird situation for us to
be in, and let's just figure this out together. If you ever seem confused, or if you ever
think we're moving too fast or we're ever getting over our head or something like that,
just let me know and we'll correct the course. And if I ever feel the same way, I'll let
you know and we can correct course. But let's not force the thing that's not there and let's
just enjoy having time with one another." And if you can actually have this conversation
with them, it's going to go a lot better because it's going to set the two of you up to actually
start working on the same team. Now, of course, they might agree to something
like this, but they might be skeptical about it, and this is totally normal. This is absolutely
totally normal because the two of you don't have maybe a track record of being on the
same team, really, especially in recent times since the breakup. And so they might like
this idea, but they might also be pretty skeptical about it as well too. So just let that be
okay until the two of you have a nice track record of being on the same team. They're
going to be a little bit hesitant about that. Again, totally fine. Totally normal. Totally
to be expected. But you can start to move the ball a little bit closer and closer and
closer to the hole by actually starting to work on the same team and actually starting
to work cooperatively on other things. So, okay. We've had the big same team conversation
and what we're going to do next is do little things in the moment to kind of work together
as being on the same team. And these can be endless in terms of the little things that
we might start to do, but it can be little things like, "Hey, do you trust me to pick
the restaurant that we go to? Do you trust me to give you a back rub? Do you trust me
to keep a secret?" Do you trust me to, whatever, right? And so these are all little things
that you can do to start to build that same teamness. And as these things start to build
up, the trust is going to start to kick in and it's going to allow your ex to kind of
take off more of that armor, take off some of the stubbornness, and start to actually
experience the fact that the two of you are indeed on the same team.
And as this starts to kick in, that stubbornness is going to start to dissipate or evaporate
or disappear or fall apart, or whatever metaphor you want to use. We can use all kinds of metaphors
here, but it's going to not be there anymore. However, it's not there, that's up to your
imagination, but it's not going to be there anymore. And so that's what basically we want
to do in order to get past this stubbornness. By the way, if you want to understand kind
of where your ex is at and kind of what they're thinking in this whole process of getting
back together, we do have an entire video playlist on what we call the five stages that
your ex goes through in getting back together. A lot of people have watched this playlist
and they found it really insightful and it's been really helpful for them to understand
what their ex is going through. Because oftentimes, when we end up in these breakups, it can seem
like we're in some sort of strange world where the basic laws of gravity just don't even
work the way that we're accustomed to them. And so if you understand kind of what's going
on with your ex emotionally through the five stages of getting back together, it can really
be helpful for giving you a better sense about kind of where you need to go in all of this.
But as you start to get on the same team, you want to continue to build up the emotional
connection between you and your ex. They probably like the idea of the two of you being on the
same team, but they also need that emotional foundation between the two of you as well
too to continue to increase and to continue to build that confidence that the two of you
can fit into each other's lives in some way, and that they can actually see themselves
having positive interactions with you. As you continue to do this and build up that
foundation beneath the two of you, they're going to naturally start to think about the
two of you getting back together, and they're going to naturally start to want to even explore
what that might look like. So, definitely, don't slack off on that. So
we got to take care of the whole same team aspect. We also got to take care of the emotional
connection aspect as well too, because it's not just enough to be on the same team, but
you actually got to have a deep, emotional connection to demonstrate to them that, yeah,
there's actually something of substance here. It's something that's worth getting into a
relationship again about because we have that connection. People want to be in a relationship
because they can feel connected to someone else, not just because, yeah, we can work
cooperatively on the same team. Maybe in some sort of functional society or something, that
might be all that you need, but generally, for a great romantic relationship, you want
to have that emotional connection in place too.
So the same teamness does need to be in place usually first, because that's going to allow
them to kind of take off that armor and kind of just maybe one little piece at a time,
maybe I'll just take off this shoulder plate, I don't know what the different pieces of
armor are called, but maybe I'll take off this shoulder plate first. And, okay. That
seems okay. Maybe I'll take off the helmet. Okay, that seems all right. Maybe I'll take
off this breast plate. Okay, cool. And then they're going to start to build up that trust
that, yeah, as I start to open up more, better things happen. And that is, I think, going
to help you to get back together with your stubborn ex. But after that, we do want to
move on to the emotional connection. So if you want more help with all of that,
again, we do have that free email newsletter. You can find it down in the description box,
totally free to sign up, and you get that nice little report that goes over common misconceptions
that maybe you don't even need to consider, that maybe everyone else out there is telling
you that you absolutely must do. So go ahead and check that out, if that seems interesting
to you, and sign up if it seems right for you. But thanks so much again for watching
this video. Once again, if you do like what we're doing here, give us that thumbs up,
it does help us out a lot. And if you want to learn more about how to develop an emotional
connection with your ex, check out this video series over here on what we call advanced
relational skills. These help you to take that initial connection that you have and
deepen it in a much more significant way. Check it out over there, or check out this
video right here. But thank you so much. Please take care, and I'll talk to you in the next
video.