- My parents are proud of me, right?
Obvious, champion.
(audience laughing)
My mother is a former eighth grade English teacher
and she's very judgemental.
Don't be so judgemental mothers just love your child, okay?
Just give a little hug.
She came to my show recently
and I told a very dirty joke, that's what I did.
And the joke started like this.
I said recently, me and my girlfriend
were (beep) doggy style.
That's how the joke starts.
And it gets a lot more dirty after that,
but I'm not gonna do it.
After the show, my mother comes up,
she is angry, distraught, embarrassed,
a single tear is coming down her face.
She looks at me in the eye and she says,
Michael that should be, my girlfriend and I.
(audience laughing)
You're always wet.
I'm always wet every day in New York, somehow.
Summer, it's humid, I'm walking,
ass wet, armpits wet,
random air conditioners dripping on you.
Was that an air conditioner?
I don't know, keep going.
Wet, wet, wet.
Fall, I put a jacket on then the sun comes out.
Neck wet, head wet, backpack wet.
Winter, you put on all these clothes, right?
Then you sit in the subway.
Heat, neck wet, hamstrings wet, feet wet.
Change my socks, feet wet, change my socks.
Spring, raining, raining, wet, bus, puddles, wet.
(audience laughing)
I'm always wet.
(audience laughing)
Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio
in every single one of his movies.
Let's go through them.
(audience laughing)
What do you wanna start with? Titanic, drowns to death, wet.
Great Gatsby, dies in the pool at the end, wet.
Shutter Island, it's an island, wet.
The Beach?
Wet.
(audience laughing)
Give me some, give me some Leonardo movies.
Give me some. - [Crowd] Inception.
- Inception, first dream, pouring rain, wet.
Gangs in New York, he's in the horror house
sweating the whole time, wet.
Gilbert Great, takes a bath in the second act, wet!
Give me some more!
(audience laughing) - [Crowd] Departed.
- Departed, movie theater scene wearing a hat,
starts raining on him, wet.
Revenant, starts in a fucking river, wet!
Great Gatsby, I already said, it was the second example.
What's wrong with this audience?
(audience laughing)
He dies in the pool at the end, pay attention!
Wet!
- [Crowd] Blood Diamond.
- Blood Diamond, runs into a river
shooting a machine gun, wet.
Aviator, crashes into the ocean, wet.
Basketball Diaries, top of the building jerking off,
starts raining on him, wet.
(audience laughing)
He's always wet.
He is always wet.
Tom Cruise, always running.
(audience laughing)
They should do a movie together called,
He's Running, I'm Wet.
I'm the youngest in my family.
Most comedians are the youngest in their family.
It's an attention thing.
The youngest child needs the most attention.
Think about your own families, okay?
Why is that?
I'll tell you why, because mom and dad
never planned on having their youngest child, that's why.
Mom got drunk on new year's eve
and dad took her to pound town,
that's how the youngest child happens.
(audience laughing)
And I hate saying that,
and I look at parents and they nod or they clap,
that makes me feel like (beep) about myself, okay?
(audience laughing)
Clap your hands if you're the youngest in your family.
Where are the youngest in the families?
(audience cheering)
I love you.
I support you.
I love you.
Sorry I made fun of you earlier.
I support you.
We gotta stick together.
Where are the oldest?
Clap hands if you're the oldest in your family.
(audience cheering) - Yeah.
This guy, yep, of course, not surprised.
Yep.
You don't know this oldest,
there's a universal nickname
that the youngest calls the oldest,
we call you guys (beep).
You are an (beep), sir.
You are an (beep).
My point,
is that I hate New York.
(audience laughing)
It's the only city I've lived in
where I see a pill on the sidewalk
and I'll pick it up and swallow it.
(audience laughing)
I don't know what I'm gonna feel
but it's gotta be better than this shitty reality.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Everybody hates it.
Everybody hates living here, but we lie, don't we?
We say we love it to defend our rent and our life decisions.
Oh, I love New York.
Number one, lie, I love the energy.
(audience laughing)
I love the energy.
It's not energy, you idiots, it's panic.
It's desperation.
It's poverty.
It's working three jobs and trying to not
get hit by a bus every time you step outside.
Oh, but it's the city that never sleeps.
Yeah and that does explain why
everybody's such fucking asshole all the time.
Maybe we should go to bed.
(audience laughing)
Anybody ever think of that?
That should be New York's slogan,
go to fucking bed, you guys, Jesus Christ.
Every day,
every day,
I see grown men and women weeping in the streets.
(audience laughing)
Wet!
(audience laughing)
Don't look at your phone when you're walking,
look around you will see a grown man
crying in the streets of Manhattan.
That's not the greatest city in the world.
I've been a lot of places,
people aren't crying in the streets of Sydney, Australia
or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I'm from.
Yeah, you cry there, you cry there,
but you go home, don't you?
You can't do that here,
you got nine roommates in your one bedroom apartment.
You can't cry in front of them every day,
they'll call you a pussy every day.
You can't even cry in the shower,
two people are showering at the same time
to save time and money, and energy.
The only good thing about living in New York City
is that once I got used to how expensive it was,
now when I go other places,
I feel like a Saudi prince, you know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
I was in Kansas City, I ordered two margaritas,
the guy will be like, that'll be 9.75,
and I was like, I want 500 margaritas!
(audience laughing)
I am the Saudi prince of Kansas City.
Give me my change, I wanna buy a lake house with it.
I live in Los Angeles now,
women are high maintenance in Los Angeles, oh my God.
Big time high maintenance.
Michigan, they were low maintenance.
I went on a date recently in LA, okay?
Took her to a steakhouse, all right?
That's the way Kosta rolls on his dates, steakhouse.
I don't take my date to some (beep)
free TV taping that takes nine hours.
(audience laughing)
Steakhouse.
Steak,
steakhouse.
Steakhouse.
Typical high maintenance Los Angeles woman,
as I was valeting my Honda Civic,
you know, she says to me?
She goes, Michael, I forgot to tell you, I'm a vegan.
I'm a vegan.
I'm from Michigan, I didn't know what the hell that meant,
had to Google it on my phone.
Apparently being a vegan means
you don't eat anything at a restaurant
or on a menu or that's convenient.
(audience laughing)
But I'm a gentleman, I respect all ladies.
I respect all personal decisions.
So I did what any nice gentleman would do,
I drove to a very nice vegan restaurant, okay?
I dropped her off, I went back to the steakhouse.
(audience laughing)
I'm from Michigan!
We eat steak there.
I ended up sleeping with that vegan lady,
sex with the vegan lady, thank you very much.
Thank you, pew!
(audience laughing)
Just for fun I used a lamb skin condom,
give me some right there.
(audience laughing)
I have a 5:00 AM flight in three weeks
and I can't stop thinking about it.
I mean, it gets in your head, doesn't it?
My friends wanted to get drunk tonight
and I was like, I better not,
I got this 5:00 AM flight in three weeks
and I know it's coming, but you're never ready.
You're never ready for a 5:00 AM flight.
I'll sleep like eight minutes, you know, I'll pack drunk.
You ever packed drunk?
It's the best!
'Cause you land and you see your bag
and you're like, what is in this bag?
(audience laughing)
What is this surprise box
that I sent to myself from the past?
Oh my God, I got nine t-shirts and a snorkel mask.
That's great!
I'm in Kansas city in February.
We talk shit about millennials, you know?
We say you're soft 'cause you are, you're pussies but--
(audience laughing)
It's not your fault.
We're hard on you, but it's not your fault.
It's your parents' fault.
It's Patrick's parents' fault.
Helicopter parents.
What do we expect was gonna happen?
Don't do that, don't do that.
Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer.
Don't do that, I'll protect you.
(audience laughing)
I didn't have that shit.
Yeah, I live with my parents now,
but I didn't have that as a kid.
(audience laughing)
When I was a kid, my brother Todd and I used to
play baseball in our basement.
But instead of using a baseball,
we used these old metal darts
that I found next to the gasoline.
And I'm just flipping gasoline darts
at my brother for hours, unsupervised,
dipping them in the gas.
And Todd liked to crowd the place,
so now I gotta throw high heat metal gas darts
past my brother's face.
Then one of them caught him late,
stuck right in his eyeball, and I run upstairs.
Dad, dad, dad, Todd has a fucking dart in his eye right now.
You know what my dad says,
wake me if it becomes an emergency.
That's what my dad says.
I have the worst agent.
I have the worst fucking agent.
(audience laughing)
I'm sure he already left, doesn't matter I can do the joke.
Dan Specter at WME Entertainment, do you know him?
Dan Specter?
His email is D (beep) at (beep) .com.
They called me, I answered, his assistant goes,
can you hold for Dan?
I'm now on hold, they called me, I'm holding.
I'm holding, they called me, I'm holding?
I'm the one who's holding, they called me.
I was available, now I'm holding.
I'm the one who's on hold.
Who's holding? I'm the one who's holding.
Okay?
And like an asshole I held.
(audience laughing)
And she comes back 10 minutes later,
Michael, who are you holding for?
I'm holding for Dan.
I'm sorry, he's not available right now.
You fucking called me!
(audience laughing)
So last time I met with my agent, Dan Specter,
I took all his business cards, okay?
He had like 180 business cards on his desk, I took 'em all.
Here's my favorite part about LA, karaoke.
People take it seriously here.
They think it's an audition.
They think they're gonna be discovered
that night after that song.
Here's how people in real America do karaoke.
You get blackout drunk,
you sing your favorite Journey song
and then you drive home as fast as you can, okay?
That's how everyone else does karaoke in the United States,
but not in LA, choreograph dance moves, you know?
They pass out head shots afterwards.
What?
So I go to karaoke in LA
and I put on my nicest suit,
and I bring my agents business cards with me.
(audience laughing)
And after a really terrible but committed performance,
I go up to that person and I say,
you listen to me Goddammit,
I am a talent agent and I believe you are gonna be a star.
Then I slide him one of Dan Specter's business cards.
(audience laughing)
You call me tomorrow.
And if I don't call you back, you call me 10,000 more times.
Stop by my office and I circle the address.
Send me packages.
Show me you have what it takes.
(upbeat music)