- I just got vaccinated.
(audience applauds)
For polio, for polio.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
But, what are we working with here?
Is this a Pfizer crowd, what's happening?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, okay, great.
You guys don't support small business.
That's nice, good.
(audience laughs)
Moderna people?
(audience cheers)
Nice, great.
I got both, so I feel great.
(audience laughs)
I can't see anything but, I don't know.
I just wish I had some J&J confidence though.
Don't you?
(audience laughs)
They got a lot of swagger.
Look at this guy!
- [This Guy] Yep!
- He's on his way to the hospital!
It's crazy.
(audience laughs)
You know what they need?
They have a lot of confidence.
Moderna came out, they were like,
"We're 94%."
Pfizer is like, "We're 95."
J&J rolled out of bed two months later like,
"41, baby, what's up?
(audience laughs)
"35 in some studies.
"C-, we still technically passed the class."
(audience laughs)
We make band aids.
That's the second half of the vaccine.
(audience laughs)
Pretty sure we can do the first half.
Their whole thing was like, "We're just one shot.
"Who doesn't want one shot?"
Everyone was like, "We're cool with two shots."
You know?
Do you think at any point they called Pfizer this year
and they were like, "Hey, are you guys doing two shots?
(audience laughs)
"Should we do another one?"
At this point, they're like the kid in class
who finishes the test early and is very confident,
but doesn't know there's a back page, right?
(audience laughs)
"I'll see you guys at recess.
"Oh no!"
(audience laughs)
I've gone completely insane the last 18 months.
Anybody else, yeah?
(audience cheers)
I want to just...
Thank you, yeah.
A couple crazy people in the front, good.
I want us all to stop pretending like we haven't
lost our minds, right?
That was the craziest thing that's ever happened
(audience laughs)
to anybody.
I see people walking around New York
like everything's normal.
People are just glassy eyed walking down the street like,
"I just had brunch in a plastic bubble in the bike lane.
(audience laughs)
"Everything is normal.
"I did this before.
"Oh yeah, the rest of the world's on fire.
"I experienced true loneliness the last 18 months
"and my actual circle of friends is much smaller
"than I thought it was.
(audience laughs)
"But I just had an omelet in the middle of the street.
(audience laughs)
"Oh yeah, I'm my old self again!
"I got my temperature taken with a laser
(audience laughs)
"and then I had wings in the prison they put Magneto in."
(audience laughs)
They had that guy in a plastic prison.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
I miss the part of the pandemic where corporations
were emailing me saying they were on my side.
(audience laughs)
Wasn't that nice?
That was a nice couple of months.
Thank you for the support, Chipotle,
but I'd like you to focus on the fact
that I throw up every time I eat your food.
(audience laughs)
We give Chipotle too long of a leash as a country.
Don't we?
(audience laughs)
We need to stop.
We need to pull it back a little bit.
Remember when all their lettuce was poisoned for a year?
(audience laughs)
All of it.
The government was like, "Don't eat there!"
We were like, "It's fine.
"I like their cold, metal tables bolted into the ground.
(audience laughs)
"I like eating at Tin Man's apartment."
We've had a really rough year, you know?
We have.
You can tell how rough of a year it's been
by how popular alcoholic seltzer has become.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
- [Woman] Yeah.
- Reached a low point as society where we're just like,
"I don't care anymore.
(audience laughs)
"Put vodka in the water, all right?
(audience applauds)
"For God's sake, put heroin in my cob salad.
"Leave me alone."
(audience laughs)
It feels crazy to live in a time
of consequences, doesn't it?
You ever think about that?
This year and last year, people are gonna talk
about this forever.
It's too much pressure for me, right?
I miss simpler times like remember 2014?
(audience cheers) - [Woman] Yeah!
What were we even doing back then?
(audience laughs)
What happened?
Pharrell had that big hat.
(audience laughs)
There were two popes for a little while.
Remember that?
People forget the pope was like, "Yo listen,
"I don't wanna be the pope anymore, so..."
I think that's it.
(audience laughs)
I wish we could go back there.
I was talking to my neighbor.
He's a big conspiracy theorist.
A lot of conspiracies being tossed around right now.
You guys into that?
How do we feel?
- [Woman] Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? All right.
One person, right.
(audience laughs)
"We didn't land on the moon!"
I was talking to him.
He's a flat Earthier.
Is anybody a flat Earthier here?
All right, I don't know why you would identify yourself,
but... (audience laughs)
"Right here, let's talk.
"I want to have a dialogue with you."
(audience laughs)
I was talking to him and he was like,
"Luke, I think the Earth is flat.
"Sorry if that's not politically correct."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "No, that's just regular incorrect," right?
(audience laughs)
You can't just say a crazy conspiracy theory
like "I don't think Ohio is real.
"Sorry if that offends you."
(audience laughs)
"Yeah, the sun's a big light bulb created by the CIA
"to control our minds.
"Are you triggered, lib?"
(audience laughs)
I just did a show in the south.
Love the south.
Anybody here from the south?
(audience cheers)
I love the way you guys have really weird names
for your grandparents.
Isn't that weird?
You ever talk to?
I was talking to my friend from Texas.
He was like, "Yeah, yeah, we had a great Christmas.
"I hung out with Memomma and Bingbong, really fun!"
(audience laughs)
I don't know what that is.
Don't assume I know what you're talking about.
"Oh, I finally got vaccinated.
"I can finally hug Moomoo and Jam Pappy," right?
(audience laughs)
"Oh yeah, Moomoo and Jam Pappy on one side,
"then (vocalizes) on the other side."
Okay. (audience laughs)
That's very dumb.
I think I'm getting dumber every day.
(audience laughs)
Does anyone else feel that way?
(audience cheers)
Without me right now?
Okay.
Thank you, yes.
"You're dumb."
Okay, good, thank you.
I am getting dumber.
I used to be very smart.
I was a very smart baby, okay?
(audience laughs)
I don't know, it's a weird thing to brag about.
I was a smart baby.
I could talk when I was six months old, all right,
very impressive.
Parents in the room, you know that's impressive.
I couldn't walk until I was two years old.
So, there was a year and a half in my life
where I was just posted up against a wall like,
"Oh no,
"I can't move.
"Can I just get a cup of coffee?
"That'd be great, thank you so much.
"Yes, and The New York Times, please.
"Goo goo ga ga, thank you."
Do you know how unsettling it is to walk into a room
and see an infant upright in a bassinet like,
"Hi, how are ya'?
"How's it going?
(audience laughs)
"Nice to see ya'.
"How you doing?"
Just breastfeeding like, "Can't seem to quit this stuff.
"What are you gonna do?
(audience laughs)
"It's five o'clock somewhere, get in here!"
Thank you guys very much!
(audience applauds) My name's Luke Mones.