-Jimmy Fallon!
-♪ He's alive ♪ -♪ He's alive ♪
-♪ I'm alive ♪ -♪ He's alive ♪
-♪ I'm not dead ♪ -♪ He's not dead ♪
-♪ I said ♪ -♪ He's not dead ♪
-♪ I'm alive ♪ -♪ He's alive ♪
-Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to the other side.
I've seen the pearly gates.
I paid $8 for that blue check mark in the sky.
♪♪
But I want y'all to know that I wouldn't leave this Earth
until my job is done.
And tonight, my job is to entertain you
and everyone here at "The Tonight Show."
I'm alive!
-♪ He's alive ♪
♪ He's alive ♪
-♪ I'm alive ♪ -♪ He's alive ♪
♪ He's alive ♪
-♪ I'm alive ♪
♪ I'm alive ♪
Thank you very much.
-[ Vocalizing ] -Thank you.
♪♪
Welcome!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
That's right -- we're all here tonight.
I don't know if you guys saw this,
but for the last 24 hours, #RIPJimmyFallon
has been trending on Twitter.
Yeah. Even worse, when they heard I died,
Ticketmaster kicked me out of line for Taylor Swift tickets.
And I go, "This is terrible. This is awful."
Right after it happened, though, I was so touched that NBC
immediately called and asked,
"How can we turn this into another 'Law & Order'?"
And I go, "What?"
Yeah, #RIPJimmyFallon was the number-2 trend on Twitter.
I tried everything I could to bump it down.
I even tried the hashtag #RIPPEDJimmyFallon
I thought that would maybe help.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to the number-1 trending topic.
Everyone's talking about this.
Last night, former president Trump
announced that he's running for president in 2024.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
When I heard Trump was running again,
I said, "Over my dead body."
Yeah.
-Hey-oh! ♪♪
-That's right -- Trump's running for a third time.
Here he is making the announcement from Mar-a-Lago.
-In order to make America great and glorious again,
I am tonight announcing my candidacy for
President of the United States.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I know we are, but why does he seem like he's already over it?
What a moment.
You can really feel the indictment -- I mean excitement.
Yep, Trump wants to make America "great and glorious again,"
or as it will now be known, MAGAGA.
[ As Trump ] Lady MAGAGA.
Itchy gichy ya MAGAGA.
[ Normal voice ] As always, Trump covered a lot of ground
during his speech, and even gave a shout-out to his son Eric.
Watch this.
-My one boy -- Stand up, Eric.
I think he got more subpoenas
than any man in the history of our country.
So unfair.
Al Capone.
You all heard of the great gangster?
Al Capone got far less.
Eric Trump got more subpoenas.
He's a PhD in subpoenas.
And I appreciate the job you do and the abuse that you've taken.
-Whoa.
-It's ironic, because at Trump University,
you can actually get a PhD in subpoenas.
He's like, "That's Eric.
He's got that big subpoenas energy."
Yeah, but Trump was advised to speak for only 45 minutes,
but he went on for over an hour.
In fact, Trump rambled on for so long
that even Fox News cut away from the speech.
That's real.
The relationship has gotten so bad,
"Fox & Friends" now say they're just "Fox & Acquaintances."
Of course, Trump played all of his classic rally songs
last night, but I noticed that the crowd
didn't seem as into the music as usual.
See for yourself.
-♪ Y-M-C-A ♪
♪ It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A ♪
-Yeah.
That crowd last night was deader than I was.
I mean, oh, my gosh.
Some more political news.
Today, Senator Mitch McConnell was re-elected
as Senate minority leader,
beating Florida Senator Rick Scott.
Can we see McConnell and Scott?
Yeah, it's the first time the tortoise has beat the no-hair.
[ Rimshot ]
Well, switching gears, as I mentioned earlier,
Taylor Swift tickets went on presale yesterday,
and there was such high demand that Ticketmaster crashed.
Everyone was furious at Ticketmaster,
so they posted this message basically just
telling people to be patient.
Be patient.
Obviously, that didn't go over well.
So then Ticketmaster posted more updates.
First, there's...
That's not going to help. Then there was...
Then they said...
Yeah. Then they said...
And finally...
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's not helpful.
Hey, get this.
In response to Costco's $1.50 hot-dog-and-drink combo,
Sam's Club is now offering the same meal for $1.38.
Meanwhile, 7-Eleven is like, "If you're brave enough
to eat our hot dogs, we'll pay you $1.50."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And, finally, according to UN estimates,
the world population reached 8 billion people this week.
That's a huge milestone.
The UN actually released all sorts of data
about the population, and it's pretty interesting to see.
Let's take a look.
When it comes to the global population...
[ Applause ]
Check out some more data here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's another one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm 6'7". Next up...
[ Laughter, applause ]
And, finally...
There you go, everybody. We have a great show.