Show of hands, how many of you
heard the phrase growing up,
"You can be anything you want to be"?
Did you hear that?
Yeah, what a crock
that turned out to be.
(audience laughing)
I wanted to play in the NBA.
Turns out, I'm short,
I'm slow, and I can't jump!
Not a good resume.
But it wasn't about—
we're in middle school,
and my best friend, I'll call him Allen,
'cause that was his name. And,
(audience laughing)
they said,
"You can be anything you want,"
and he's like, "Dude,
"I want to be a model."
But, like, dude . . .
you're ugly.
(audience laughing)
You can't be whatever you want to be.
I actually did an event with
the NBA a few years ago,
met Shaquille O'Neal.
You guys know who Shaq is, right?
And I literally—I walked away,
started dying laughing.
My buddy said, "What's so funny?"
I said, what if they
told Shaq that growing up?
"You can be anything you want to be."
No, he can't!
What if Shaq's dream in life
is to be a professional horse jockey?
(audience laughing)
Imagine those horses.
(screams)
(audience laughing)
And you start learning it through life.
Like, I worked fast food as a teenager.
Anybody else work fast food?
(audience cheering)
Yes, these are my people!
Never give fast food workers
a hard time!
I don't care what you got,
what happened.
Don't give 'em a hard time!
I was in line behind a guy
the other day,
and he's just, like, reaming
the poor little girl,
going, "I said no pickles
"on the sandwich!
"You take it take it back!
"Don't just take the pickles off!
"You give me the sandwich!"
(gibberish)
This girl's in tears, like, I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!
And she goes back there
and I'm thinking,
I didn't say it, but I wanted to go,
"Dude, you paid five bucks.
"You got food in a bag!
"Be happy."
(audience laughing)
But I didn't, because if
you've ever worked fast food,
you know this happened.
I don't know what was on his sandwich
when it went behind the counter.
He's not gonna want what's on it
when it comes back!
I'm just sayin'.
(audience laughing)
And then I see jobs I could not do.
They have road construction
here in Provo?
(audience laughing)
That was a bit of a rhetorical question.
They got guys in the neighborhoods
that stand there with that sign, "Stop."
"Slow."
"Stop."
"Slow."
Now, these guys get paid really well,
but I'm just telling you
I could not do that job.
With my personality,
after about a half hour,
I would start messing with people.
(audience laughing)
"Stop. Slow. Stop!
"Slow. Stop!
(audience laughing)
"Stop!
(audience laughing)
What really cracks me up is
these guys wear hard hats.
(audience laughing)
Is that in case the sign
falls off or something?
That just makes me laugh!
And then I got to thinking
of other jobs I could not do.
I flew out here from Atlanta, Georgia,
and I flew to Salt Lake,
and it was awesome,
but I love flight attendants.
I love them. I could not do that job.
One flight of having to
stand up at that door
at the end of every flight.
"Okay, buh-bye. Okay, bye.
"Okay, buh-bye. Okay, bye!
(audience laughing)
"Okay, bye. We'll see you later.
"Get off the plane!
(audience laughing)
"There's one door!
(audience laughing)
"Just leave!"
The part I really couldn't do
is the part they're required by law
to do at the beginning of every flight.
"To fasten your seatbelt,
"put this end into this end.
(clicks tongue)
"To release, pull up on it."
(audience laughing)
I'm telling you, I would snap.
(audience laughing)
"Direct your attention to Ken.
"He's gonna show you how
"to fasten your seatbelt."
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
To fasten!
(audience laughing)
To fasten!
You know what?
If we're in a crash and
you can't figure this out . . .
you deserve to die.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry!
(audience laughing)
And if we lose cabin pressure
and there's a bright yellow oxygen mask
swinging in front of your face . . .
(audience laughing)
and you can't figure out "breathe,"
maybe your DNA does not
need to be passed on.
I'm just sayin'.
(audience laughing)
And at the end of the flight,
At the end of the flight,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
"it's our final approach.
"Please put your tray tables
"and seat backs
"in the full and upright position."
Why?
(audience laughing)
Really, why?
This, okay . . .
safe . . .
unsafe.
Safe. Unsafe.
(audience laughing)
Death, life, death . . .
life.
Really?
(audience laughing)
I've got a cousin who's
a flight attendant.
I said, What is up with the tray tables?
And she said—I'm not making this up,
she said, "Well, in case
"of an emergency evacuation,
"we don't want anybody
"to get trapped."
I would pay to see that.
(audience laughing)
"Everybody evacuate immediately!"
Okay!
My tray table's down!
(audience laughing)
Tray table!
(breathing heavily)
I'm trapped!
(audience laughing)
I couldn't do that job.
Oh, I saw one job!
One job, I've done this
for over three decades.
There's just one job in three decades
that if I didn't do this,
I would want to do.
I was in Phoenix, Arizona.
Buddy of mine picks me up
in a convertible.
I'm like, dude, this is awesome.
I said, what do you do when it rains?
He goes, "It only rains twice a year."
That night I do the show,
I go back to the hotel,
I turn on the TV.
In Phoenix, Arizona,
where it rains twice a year,
they actually have
a weatherman.
(audience laughing)
I would love that job!
(audience laughing)
"Let's go to Kenn
"in the weather center."
Okay, if you notice on the map here,
you'll notice that we live in a desert!
(audience laughing)
I'm going on a limb here
and say it's gonna be hot tomorrow!
(audience laughing)
Let's take a look at
the five-month forecast!
(audience laughing)
Hot!
Back to you.