We don't really do much of an introduction and all that,
I will just say I'm gonna welcome
my friend Pete Holmes to the show.
Hey, Pete.
That's it?
That is it. (laughs)
Okay, great, I am welcomed, I feel welcome.
It's so nice to see you.
I miss you, man, I really do.
A lot of work
goes into a short late night standup set.
Join me, J.P. Buck, as I spotlight the comedians
who came up with some of my favorite Conan sets.
This is the Setup.
[Conan] Please welcome the very funny Pete Holmes!
I had been submitting sets.
I really want it to be on Conan by the time I was 30,
it was one of the very few specific, like actual goals.
I had certain goals
but they were all sort of like rainbows.
They were vague and I dunno,
some magical feeling in the future.
But I was like, I want to do Conan by the time I'm 30.
And I based that on almost nothing.
And I was 31, I used to joke that I blamed my divorce
'cause that's sort of like ate a year of my life,
It sort of slowed me down.
But I was right on time.
When I was trying to get on Letterman
you'd send them a five minute tape
and then they'd be like, we like it except maybe this joke.
Then you'd send them another, it would take another month
to get a five minute tape that you liked
with that joke removed in this one in
where I'm like, if you just sent a longer tape
you could be like, yeah, okay,
you want a different 30 seconds, here you go.
But that's not even what got it for me,
is then you happened to be at the improv on Melrose
and I was doing, I was going on last
and I was so happy that you were there.
'Cause this is what everybody thinks show business is,
like the booker for Conan will be in the crowd.
And you were there
and we had been exchanging tapes and stuff
and you watched me and I did the Google bit.
And then, this is such good timing,
It's like, you liked the Google bit
and you wanted to premiere it on Conan
which was like the best news ever.
And I had already taped it for the John Oliver show,
which is what Conan plugs in the intro.
So I'm like, isn't it funny, we're plugging the show
that features the bit that's breaking on this show
to beat that show.
Anytime, if you're pitching a TV show or a set or any idea,
if there's anything that can put a clock on it
that can be like, we need to do this before this,
it's always helpful and I feel like that greased the wheels.
(Conan fanfare)
It actually kind of works
that I'm wearing this terrible shirt.
It's like a smock for painting.
It's just like, like nobody tells you what to wear.
Like I just kind of came in that shirt
and it's too big, but that helped
because when I say I'm not a cool guy,
I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe,
that's the first joke.
Yep.
I don't think they would've laughed
if I hadn't done something sort of fumbly bumbly up top.
And that actually included how I looked.
Like if I was wearing a suit or something
and I said, I don't know if you can tell I'm not a cool guy.
If I look like Mulaney or something, it'd be like,
no, you seem like a pretty cool guy.
Like, you're sharp and well dressed.
So even the outfit was sort of telling the first joke.
I think it was Seinfeld or maybe Chris Rock
that talked about you always wave to the host
and wave to the band.
And they were like,
that's the quickest way to look like a professional.
Yeah, okay, that was exciting.
How's it going everybody?
(audience cheers and applauds)
I came out and I just wanted them
to laugh at me, smiling, standing there.
And when they didn't, I'm sorta like, how are you?
Like I'm trying to establish up top,
which of course you do live,
but it's even more important I think for TV sets,
it's like, you're watching me but I'm watching you.
I don't want to feel like I'm showering on stage
and you're watching me.
I wanna be like I say this to grads, I go,
you're evaluating me, I'm evaluating you.
Like, I'm gonna talk to other people about how you were.
And that's to get them sort of in a performative place.
I want to get this out of the way right up top,
I'm not a cool person.
I don't know if you can tell already from my overall vibe.
(audience laughs)
I don't know if this is gonna make sense
but I'm 31 years old, I don't have any kids,
but I'm already kind of like a fun dad.
(audience laughs)
Can you get that sense from me?
Just like the dorky dad at a barbecue, just like.
(audience laughs)
Fresca, that guy.
(audience laughs)
Singing hip hop wrong to children.
Just like, I'll say you can have whatever you need, yeah.
Snacks on dad, Patron, no Patron, (laughs) fun dad.
Like I don't have kids, but if I did
I'd be the kind of dad they're having a sleepover,
I'd keep barging and embarrassing them with a tray of food.
Just like tuna melts, dad style! (laughs)
That's extra Mayo.
If you like it then you shoulda put some cheese on it.
(audience laughs)
Get out of here, dad!
If you like it then you shouldn't put your feet on it.
(audience laughs)
Seriously, Kyle, the Ottoman is decorative so.
(audience laughs)
You didn't know, you didn't know.
This bit at this point I believe in your career
was longer.
I remember there's a non-smoking queen joke.
Yeah, no, it was longer.
The non-smoking queen thing was when John Mulaney,
he and I were touring together
and I was checking into a hotel and this is just real,
they said one of our rooms is a non-smoking queen.
And I went, that's me.
And that's when John said, you're like a fun dad.
And I said, and this is what any comedian should say
when another comedian makes fun of them, can I have that?
(J.P. laughs)
We recreated it on "Crashing".
We had Jamie's character say to me, you're like a fun dad.
Because I wanted to show that that's where
often jokes come from.
Is instead of having your feelings hurt
when another comedian,
it's like if another comedian makes fun of you
get out your notepad, like this is how the world sees you.
This is probably how the audience
doesn't know maybe they see you
but when you say it, you go like,
oh right, that that's a great line.
(Conan fanfare)
So I have an iTelephone, I have an iTelephone.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
Real quick, you here- That was a hot line.
That was a hotline at the top.
I love iTelephone, it's a silly little laugh at the top,
but here, this moment where you grabbed the mic,
you actually requested a certain mic.
I said like you have a handheld,
you could have a wireless, little lav mic
that that way your hands are free.
But you had said to me, I want a wireless mic on a mic stand
because I need to like lean into this.
Yeah.
You said, the physical physicality
of you stepping forward on this bit was very important.
It's like grabbing a lever or something.
Like it's this thing, and I haven't touched it the whole set
for the most part.
And it almost looks like a dance partner.
Like you're taking it, like you're gonna dip it.
And then it gives you this like,
it also feels like a weapon now.
It's like, I'm armed, I have this like spear
and this like heavy based mace that I'm gonna like,
and the energy, my energy completely shifts.
And knowing that I could grab the sort of Merlin staff
and go like, all right, mother (bleep), you listened to me.
Because you sat through that silliness
and you stayed with me I love you now
and my hope is to give you something that we can all enjoy,
but like, I'm not (bleep) around anymore, you know.
I have Google on my phone, I'm guessing a lot of you do,
I have Google on my phone now and it's ruining our lives.
I don't know if you've noticed, it's ruining life
because we know everything
(audience laughs)
but we're not a lick smarter for it, we just know.
You don't know something, wait, two seconds.
(audience laughs)
You will know.
Having Google on your phone
is like having a drunk know it all in your pocket.
(audience laughs)
There's no time for mystery or wonder.
You're just like, how do they make glass? (shouts)
(audience laughs)
And you know.
But the time between not knowing and knowing is so brief
that knowing feels exactly like not knowing.
(audience laughs)
So life is meaningless.
(audience laughs)
The craziest thing about this joke
is that it was a fresh take.
Like when I say, I have Google on my phone
that was kind of a newer thing,
that meant like I have a fancy phone
and only probably 33% of the crowd
probably had a smartphone at that time,
so it was like breaking news.
Especially when I first started telling the joke.
I've literally been in bed in the morning alone just like,
where's Tom Petty from.
(audience laughs)
Ah, but I feel nothing!
'Cause there was no time to not know.
Listen to me, there was a time,
and I don't mean to get all Andy Rooney on ya,
(audience laughs)
but there was a time
that if you didn't know where Tom Petty was from
you just didn't know.
(audience laughs)
And you felt that yearning and that deficit in your being
and you'd go around and ask actual people.
Like, where's Tom Petty from?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,
and now I'm impregnated with wonder
and then they go and ask people.
Until one fateful day
you see a girl wearing a Heartbreakers t-shirt,
you rush up to her and you're like,
hey, where's Tom petty from?
And she tells you, Florida.
And a wave of endorphins and pleasure
and meaning would wash over you and you felt something
and that's how you met your wife, do you understand?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Your wedding song was "Refugee".
This was the first sort of joke that I was like,
I will not forget how I feel about smartphones and Google
because I care, and that's where the grabbing the mic,
and that's when I'm yelling but it's earned
and the pace picks up.
I'm watching one man struggle
with his search for Tom Petty,
which is so inconsequential
because when are you gonna do this information?
But then at the end the pay off is,
look what you've achieved.
That was a click moment for me
was to try and tie it back to something human.
Like, it's not just that you want to know,
it's that the conversation leads to meeting someone.
'Cause not knowing
leads you to going up to a woman in a shirt.
So that was like, that's when I realized it was a bit.
You know, you had a rant and then you were like,
oh, there's a moment where they'll clap
'cause they'll know that it's over
because you brought the beginning to the end.
Life is meaningless and before it used to be like this.
So it's super, super exciting
(Conan fanfare)
Blank and empty says, this would be funnier
if he wasn't wearing that shirt.
It is funnier because I'm wearing a terrible shirt.
Well, we can agree that it's a terrible shirt.
It is, yes, I think everyone lands on the side
of it's a terrible shirt.
It's now my bedspread, it's very soft.
This is from Radical Moose Limb.
I like the guy, he makes great skits on Comedy Central
and he's a good actor.
A good public speaker with a lot of important things to say
but he's not that funny for the most part.
(Pete laughs)
You know, there's my favorite story,
I don't know who the comedian was,
but it was at Standup New York,
I think Mulaney told it to me,
I don't know if he saw it firsthand, but he was killing
and there was one guy in the front that wasn't laughing.
And the guy in the middle of his set
leaned down to the guy that wasn't laughing and he said,
I agree with you but we're outnumbered.
That's sort of how I feel when somebody is like,
that wasn't that funny, I'm like,
I agree with you, but we're outnumbered.
Thankfully we're outnumbered, I think more people liked it.
Gable says, always thought this guy was a bozo
but he's actually quite funny here and I've been an asshole.
#I'mSorryPeteHolmes.
Oh my God, let's get that trending.
(J.P. laughs)
That to me is extra special.
There's nothing better than somebody,
I've had that too where you're just like,
maybe you look like somebody,
you look like my ex-boyfriend
or you look like this guy that bullied me.
There's all of this projection going on
that we prejudge people and we don't give them a chance,
and I do it every single day too.
But when someone can win them over
and find some common ground, that's what laughing is,
it's so special to get everybody laughing together.
But if there's somebody that came in that was like,
(bleep) this guy, and then at the end, they're like,
that was okay.
That's sort of like one of the rarest jewels
in the standup cave and that's extra special.
I never thought that this set would lead
to all the things that we've done together,
and that doesn't include our dates to industry events
where you've been my plus one.
J.P. always brought me as his plus one.
Okay, here's all the ways, you have to include this,
that J.P. helped my career.
He gave me my first late night TV show,
which was with Conan.
Then when they made a list of people
that could possibly have a show with Conan
he submitted my name.
Then produced on my show, the Pete Holmes Show.
And then while that was happening,
I would go to the HBO Emmy party with J.P. as his plus one
because I was not invited
and it was at that party that I first talked with Judd,
Judd Apatow, who ended up producing,
and Judd was a fan of the Pete Holmes Show.
So I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it,
but if I win an award, it's always my fantasy to get up,
thank the people that were involved in that project,
and then say, I'd also like to thank J.P. Buck, Jeff Ross,
Conan O'Brien, you know what I mean?
Like David Kissinger, all the people
that worked on that show, I think the optics might be bad
but that is my fantasy to be like,
it's not this show,
it's all the things that lead up to that show
and that's when you really need it.
You really need someone that goes,
I like this guy, when you're just a comedian,
you know, sweating it out at the Improv Lab on Melrose
And J.P. says, let's give this guy a shot,
that means the world.
So any chance I get, you have to leave that in,
any chance I get, I have to thank you, J.P.
I appreciate that, at the same time like,
it was a pretty easy decision to make
to bring you on the show. Very nice of you.
And I'm just also very happy that it's led to, you know,
to a great friendship too.
This was as close as we can get to hanging out backstage
so I'm glad that we got to do this.