FRANK: Three. I'm banging a broad.
DENNIS: I know what it says, Frank,
but if you were listening earlier,
we're going to make adjustments to the script.
You know, shit like that doesn't fly.
Well, well, well, how about a blowjob?
Ugh.
Oh, ew.
Hmm.
- No? - No.
I don't like when you say it.
Look, a hand job or I'm not paying for this.
Uh.
[LAUGHTER]
Uh.
Mark my words.
I will never be overweight.
I've got to look good for the ladies!
I'm into ladies.
I like girls.
I'm into ladies, Charlie.
I like girls.
Yes, I know.
That's never going to change.
Listen, I'm into girls, OK?
- Yeah. - I'm into ladies.
That's never going to change.
Dude, I know.
Listen, I'm into girls.
That's never going to change.
Yeah.
Mark my words.
I will always be into slamming them ladies.
I like girls.
Yeah, yeah-- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, stop, Mac.
Just stop, all right?
You stop, OK?
Not everything has to be about identity, all right?
You know, if a man wants to stand, he simply stands.
He doesn't go, oh, I'm Dutch now.
Does a Dutchman ever stand?
No.
And if a Dutchman wants a sandwich,
he eats a goddamn sandwich.
He doesn't go, well, I'm from--
I'm from--
Wherever [INAUDIBLE].
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
OK?
If an Italian needs to go to the bathroom, he doesn't go,
I can't use the bathroom right now.
I'm supposed to be eating pasta.
OK?
[LAUGHS]
You know, if an Italian's got to go to the bathroom,
he doesn't go, I can't go to the bathroom.
I should be eating spaghetti!
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, Sissy, are you all right?
You hit your head pretty hard there.
I'm fine!
Leave me alone, you small-haired, cunt.
Excuse me?
Oh, my.
(MOCKING) It's a joke.
Do you understand humor?
Oh, my god.
Oh, oh.
Dee, Dee, well--
[LAUGHS]
Yeah?
- Oh. - Uh--
(MOCKING) D-- D--
D-- Dee.
You got something to say, Charlie?
Uh.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh.
Dee, I was just going to say, we're going to buy the--
[LAUGHS]
(MOCKING) Oh, you don't understand humor?
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
--with us?
Yeah, we could really use your positive attitude.
(MOCKING) Oh, yeah?
Hey, I got news for you, pal.
Oh, could you?
Oh!
[LAUGHTER]
The fuck?
Wow.
So if I have an Irish half-brother
and I can read Irish, I think that makes
me more Irish than you.
Yeah.
You watch your mouth.
I think it does, man!
You watch your mouth, you little muggle piece of shit.
- Uh huh. - All right?
I'll take that partial tongue out
and wrap it around [INAUDIBLE].
You're going to challenge me to a game of quidditch?
I'll-- [LAUGHS] I'll take you out!
Uh huh?
I'll take you out, man.
Do it, [INAUDIBLE]. - Hey, Mac?
Hey, Mac?
Yeah.
I'll do it, man.
I'll take you out.
Hey, Mac?
Do it.
I've got too much respect for the written word.
- Is that what it is? - Yeah.
Like--
You want to look up and see if they've
got a karate book in here?
This is an ancient--
this is like a museum, dude.
Just take one swing.
[LAUGHS] This is ancient, man.
Yeah, take one swing.
No, no, no.
This guy's a pussy!
[LAUGHS] No--
[LAUGHS] The problem with libraries is
there's too many books.
There's too many books, man.
The problem with libraries is too many books.
Oh, OK, cool.
I'm-- [LAUGHS] the problem with libraries is--
Oh, OK.
--there's just too many--
[LAUGHS] just watch your step, OK?
Uh huh?
I don't like where this is headed, muggle piece of shit.
Or else?
I'll take you down, dude, but--
Actually, go ahead and try.
Well, I'm-- [LAUGHS] The problem with libraries
is there's too many books.
Ah, cool, cool.
I'm going to go straight to the source.
Good observation.
I'm going to call my mom.
OK, do that.
Oh.
Well, listen, Dee, we're going to buy this rink.
Do you want to be, like, part owner with us?
Yeah, we could really--
[LAUGHS]
Hey, so look, we're going to buy this rink.
Do you want to be, like, a part owner with us?
(MOCKING) Ooh!
Yeah, we could really use some of your positive energy.
[LAUGHS]
Want to be part owner with us?
(MOCKING) Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Yeah, please.
Yes, yes, yes.
You want to be part owner with us?
(MOCKING) Ooh!
Yeah, we could really use some of your--
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, OK.
Hey, Dee, we're going to buy this rink.
Do you want to be part owner with--
[LAUGHS] Wait, wait, wait.
Don't eat those.
Frank, what's in the soup?
Are the meatballs turds?
No, no.
No, they're homemade meatballs.
I pinched them out myself, in the grinder.
Frank.
What?
You eat a meatball.
[LAUGHS] Shit.
You want me to eat the meatball?
Yeah.
All right.
OK, cut to Charlie.
Cut to the spoon. - No, wait.
You can't cut to me.
Cut to Charlie.
That'd be useless. Go ahead.
Get a meatball out, Frank.
Get it.
[CHUCKLES] Okey doke.
[CHUCKLING]
CREW: [INAUDIBLE] the only professional
we have on the set.
No-- you want me to eat the meatball?
Yeah, eat the meatball, Frank.
Go ahead.
I'll eat it.
[CLEARS THROAT] I'll eat it.
[SLURPING]
Go ahead, go ahead.
Grab a meatball.
Scoop it out.
The spoon's a little small for this, but I'll get it.
It's a very big meatball.
Hmm.
Mm.
Delicious.
[CHUCKLING]
Delicious.
Mm, mm.
It's delicious.
[MUMBLING] Here, fellas.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll get it together.
I'll eat it.
Yeah, just eat one, Frank.
I'll eat it.
OK.
[TALKING AMONG CREW]
Go ahead.
Eat it.
Mm.
[MUMBLING]
Delicious.
Chew--
Mm, mm.
Chew it, chew it.
Frank.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shelly doesn't want one yet.
Chew it.
Wait.
Danny, look at me.
Chew it.
Just keep moving back and forth
between Charlie and Shelly.
[LAUGHS] Also, Dee, about your friends--
Huh?
--um, not for nothing, but I think
one of them had like crazy diarrhea
in the women's bathroom.
Oh, no!
Yeah, like--
[CHUCKLES]
I caught you out of the corner of my eye.
Yeah, I know it's sad.
It kind of looked like someone took a water balloon
full of chocolate ice cream and just
chucked it against the wall.
Oh, oh!
The wall? - Yeah.
Oh no, it went all they way up the wall.
Yeah, yeah, which was a bit surprising to me too,
you know, because I don't know.
Maybe she was, like, trying to tie
her shoe or something in there.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, yeah.
You know? Yeah.
Oh, maybe.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah.
Like, I don't know if she was like--
thought she was finished or she was just,
like, trying to tie her shoe.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I don't know if she--
[LAUGHS] yeah, because, like, I don't know if she thought she
was finished and was like trying to tie her shoe or something,
but it shot all the way up. - Oh, maybe.
Sprayed it like a cat, skunk or something.
Yeah, I know.
It was real bad, it was real bad.
And, like, you could tell she made--
[LAUGHS] and you could tell she made an effort to clean it up
too because there was like a couple of streaks across,
but then she probably-- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER] - Oh.
Of course she did.
I'm sure she did.
You know, you could tell she made an effort
to clean it up too because there was like a couple of streaks
across--
[LAUGHS] you could tell she probably made an effort
to clean it up too because there was
a couple of streaks across it. You know what I mean?
But I'm sure she gave up on it like--
She maybe ran out of paper towels or something like that.
Yeah, I think it did look like low on the toilet paper.
And then she probably started crying
and stuff too, I imagine, because it's
super embarrassing. - Oh, poor thing.
I-- [LAUGHS] I thought I heard something.
I-- I--
[LAUGHTER]
I thought I heard something--
I thought I heard something from here because there
was a scream, you know.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
You caught me a little off guard is all.
So you're looking for a castle?
[GROANING]
Mhm.
[GROANING]
Is he all right?
[GROANING]
[LAUGHTER]
[GROANING]
Is he all right?
[GROANING]
Yep.
Oh!
[GROANING]
[LAUGHS]
[GROANING]
Is he all right?
[GROANING]
Yeah, he's OK.
I mean, yes and no.
He's a mongrel.
[LAUGHTER]
[GROANING]
Is he all right?
[GROANING]
[LAUGHTER]
CREW: We're rolling.
I'm sorry.
[MUSIC PLAYING]