-Thank you very much, everybody!
Hello! Wow.
That feels great.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ]
I'd like to start by wishing everyone a very happy new year.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yep. Thankfully, it is a new year,
and, boy, aren't things better now?
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.
Over the weekend, President Trump
called Georgia Secretary of State,
Brad Raffensperger, about the election
and might have gotten himself into some major legal trouble.
"Let's hear what crime it was this time!"
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That's right. Trump asked him to somehow
find enough votes to flip Georgia
so that he would win the state by one vote.
[ Laughter ]
One vote. Trump was like,
"'Cause if we're gonna do this, we can't make it obvious."
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, every January, Trump's New Year's resolution
is to find a new way to get impeached.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's call lasted for an hour, by the way.
An hour. It was like one of his calls
to "Fox & Friends," except he actually cared
what the other person had to say on this one.
[ Laughter ] What a waste.
Trump could've spent that hour
not helping roll out the vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
As if the story isn't crazy enough,
Trump had tried calling him 18 times since the election.
Yeah. I think we're one call away
from Trump saying, "I'm on your front porch.
I can see you're home. Pick up.
I can see you're screening the call, you're making eggs.
Hello. I'm right here."
[ Laughter ]
18 times!
Apparently, Raffensperger was thinking about
putting the phone on vibrate and turning it into a massager.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
That cost us $100,000 for that sound.
[ Laughter ]
You know you've -- [ Cellphone vibrating ]
No, thank you. $150,000.
You know you've lost power when someone gets a call
from the president and presses ignore 18 times.
[ Laughter ]
When Trump calls, people actually move to the room
in the house where the connection is spotty.
It's like, "Honey, I'll be in the crawl space.
Trump's trying to call me." [ Laughter ]
Hey, are you that talk-show -- that game-show host?
"That's right." [ Laughter ]
Carl Bernstein said Trump's call was far worse than Watergate.
Doesn't mean much to Trump. He thinks Watergate is about
toilets not flushing hard enough.
[ Laughter ]
"Sometimes you have to flush it two, three times."
[ Laughter ]
Trump tried everything to persuade the Secretary of State,
but he wouldn't budge.
Later, Trump told Raffensperger,
"Come on. You were such a nice guy on 'Cheers.'
What happened to you? [ Laughter ]
"Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."
[ Laughter ] Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. -Nice, nice.
-I break it out every now and then. Thank you.
Another combination -- pull it out, put it back in.
"Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump's call just kept going.
Listen to what else he had to say.
-Interesting, right? [ Applause ]
"Pw-e-e-ease?"
And a lot of people are talking about this.
On Wednesday, Congress is set to certify Joe Biden's victory,
but 12 Republican Senators
have pledged to challenge the results.
Can we see the 12 Republican senators?
It looks like the chart of different haircuts
you get at a Supercuts in Idaho.
[ Laughter ]
They are the head shots if you were casting a movie
about an evil lawyer who swindles an orphanage.
[ Laughter ]
That's the cast of "Oceans 12"
if they were robbing an L.L.Bean.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, all eyes will be on Georgia tomorrow
for the state's two runoff races,
which will determine the Senate majority.
Another Election Night?
All right! [ Laughter ]
Yep, the election is tomorrow, which means we should have
the results by approximately Cinco de Mayo.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, it's a big night. In fact, Brian Williams
is already doing his voice exercises.
"It is too close to call. It is too close to call.
It is too close to call." [ Laughter ]
"Are you the game-show host?" "You betcha, yeah!"
[ Laughter ]
Yep. Everyone's focused on Georgia's
Senate election, and now several members of Congress
are speaking out about the runoffs.
For example, Republican Congressman Bob Good
said if the Republicans win both races,
then I will feel very, well, my last name."
[ Laughter ]
Then Democratic Congresswoman Susan Wild said,
"If the Republicans win both races,
that'd be absolutely, well, my last name."
[ Laughter ]
Then Republican Andy Barr said, "If the Democrats pull this off
I'm gonna spend every night at the, well, my last name."
[ Laughter ]
Then, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx said,
"I might be a Republican, but I can't deny
that Jon Ossoff is a total, well, my last name."
[ Laughter ]
Then Republican Congressman French Hill said,
"If the Democrats beat us, I'm gonna pack my bags
and move to, well, my full name."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Missouri Senator Roy Blunt said,
"Whoever wins, I'mma order some Papa John's
and roll a big giant spliff."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some sports news. Guys, the NFL regular season
is over, and for the first time
since 2002 the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Even Georgia Secretary of State was like, "That can't be right.
Count the wins again." [ Laughter ]
When they heard that they made the playoffs,
the Browns were like, "There's more games after the season?"
[ Laughter ]
"Do they do that every year?" [ Laughter ]
"Wow."
Yeah, the Browns are going to the playoffs.
Fans are like, "Thanks. The one year
we can't be there in person. You gotta be kidding me."
Right now, the people of Cleveland are thinking,
"Even when we win, we lose." [ Laughter ]
Some business news. I saw that Pizza Hut
is celebrating 25 years of its famous stuffed crust
by giving away a stuffed crust pizza
without the actual pizza. Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
It's great if you want a pizza that more closely resembles
an unrolled condom. [ Laughter ]
-Ha! [ Cymbals crash ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Seriously, what could be more exciting
than sinking your teeth into a soggy cheese tire?
[ Laughter ] Here's how they do it.
First, they make the pizza, then the delivery guy
eats it from the inside out before handing it to you.
Takes practice, but you can do it.
Some entertainment news.
I saw that a Rubik's cube movie is now in the works.
I don't know about you, I'm not streaming that movie.
A Rubik's cube is meant to be enjoyed on the big screen.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sure it'll be great, though. It's basically "Spider-Man"
if Peter Parker never got bit by a spider.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, this is strange. I saw that a seemingly
normal house for sale in Vermont has an entire jail inside.
Man, as a parent, you could really put a kid in a time-out.
I mean, wow. [ Laughter ]
The listing agent was like, "It comes with hardwood floors,
a large backyard, and Carl,
who's serving 10 to 15 for armed robbery.
[ Laughter ] "I'm hungry."
The previous owner decided to sell because the overhead
was a little high, and he was tired
of getting shivved every morning.