Time to call poison control? Well, maybe it's not poison but how do we deal with
toxic family members. Toxic. That brings to mind poisonous, right? I went on the
internet and did a little search for how to deal with poison, toxin. As we talk
about toxic family members, I think that there's some overlap here that might be
helpful. 3 different strategies or approaches. So, let's just say that you've
been exposed to something toxic. Sometimes, when we're out hiking or
something we might brush up against some stinging nettle or some poison ivy. Those
are toxic plants. And they cause a sting. So, at this first level of intervention,
let's talk about how to rinse, cleanse and dilute or diffuse. This is what you
would want to do if you run across some stinging nettle. For example, you want to
rinse it off or somehow cleanse that. Minimize the initial effects of the
toxic exposure. So, in a relationship setting, the initial sting can sometimes
be diffused or diluted a little bit through self-care. Taking care of
yourself in a way that fortifies you against these brushes. You'll find that
you're much more resilient. For example, when you're getting enough sleep, when
you've fed yourself well, you've got proper nutrition. If you're
getting regular exercise. All of these elements of self-care help to dilute the
initial effect of having a toxic interaction with someone. Another thing
that's been shown through the research in the literature is debriefing. We use
this primarily to address traumatic incidents. But it's also true in a toxic
interaction with a family member, a co-worker, someone in your world that has
that sting. Being able to debrief that with someone. Just talk it through.
Tell them what happened. Chat with someone about it. That helps to
dilute the sting a little bit, initially. And some of the long-term effects of
that toxic interaction. And then finally, on this first level of intervention, I
would say, perspective is important. Keep it in perspective. How big of a deal is
it really. Now, I know in the moment, it feels huge. But backing up from it, taking a
higher perspective, a higher altitude view of it. It starts to shrink down. I
had an experience where I got to visit the Arctic Circle in Rovaniemi Finland.
When I was visiting, I saw this sign. You've seen signs before that are, "You
are here" kind of signs? Well, this sign had a picture of the
world, you know, the entire globe. And there was a little dotted line around
the top of it with an arrow pointing to it and in Finnish, it said, "You are here."
And the perspective just almost blew my mind. Because I was having some personal
stress in my life, like we always do at different phases of our life. And seeing
that arrow pointing to the top of the world, I realized, "Wow." Most of the
problems and the challenges that are going on in the world are down below me
somewhere. Because I'm up here on top of the world, literally. And it caused
everything to shrink into a perspective that said, you know what? It's important
to me but in the grand scheme of things, "it's probably not that big of a deal."
Keeping that kind of a perspective helps to alleviate some of that initial sting
as well. Now, let's move to the second level of dealing with that toxic or
poisonous interaction. This is where it's already been ingested. Maybe it's
starting to have some effect, maybe it's more of a longer-term thing that you're
dealing with. We want to purge antidote, counteract or remove, if possible, the
poison, the toxin, from our system. So, as that relates to relationships, we're now
getting into what we're trying to do here on this channel. Through positivity
training. Conditioning our mind to see things differently. Or to take something
that's already happened way back in the past sometime. And rework that in our
present thinking to the point where it's not having the same toxic effect. Therapy,
counseling, coaching. These are all examples of what we can do to deal with
that toxic relationship that's already taken hold. That tends to be more
long-term. And I would add to this, building up and enhancing and enriching
positive relationships. Think of it as an antidote for some of the toxic ones.
You'll notice that, who you hang out with matters. In fact, I've heard it so many
times in the professional speaking industry. That you become the average of
the five people you hang out with the most. We want to create positive,
inspiring, uplifting, affirming relationships in our life. Which will
help us to counteract or provide an antidote for some of the toxic ones that
have shown up in the past. As I was perusing through the poison control
website and looking at some of the resources there, it became obvious that a
big part of their focus is this third level of how we deal with toxins or
poisons. And that has to do with prevention, protection, avoidance of
future or further contact with that toxic element. Let's apply that to the
relationships. What can we do to provide some level of protection or precaution
that will protect us in the future from experiencing that toxicity? I think one
of the important things we can do is to set appropriate boundaries and
limits. Nobody else is going to do this for you. So, it's important that you
identify, "what's okay? What's not okay? What will I allow? What will I not allow?
What positions am I willing to put myself in versus what positions am i not
going to get into?" You get to set these limits. Setting them appropriately and
assertively is a great way to protect yourself from future toxic exposure. In
doing this, we get to use assertive communication. Assertive and aggressive
are not the same thing. I've worked with so many clients who feel a little
resistance to the assertiveness training that I do because they're afraid it
might come across as being mean. No, don't be mean. Be very kind. You are a kind
loving, generous, benevolent person. Show up that way and use assertive
communication that sends a very clear message to those around you about the
boundaries we already talked about. Now a final thought on the protection end of
things. It's okay to opt out. When it makes sense, when it's appropriate. It's
okay for you to opt out of an event, an interaction ,a conversation if it's not
going well for you. If it is in fact toxic, this is a way that you can protect
yourself against those effects. So, it's okay for example to say, "You know what?
this conversation is not serving me well right now." And then opt out. If you're on
the phone, you can actually hang up. You got a little button for that. I
wonder if we could use that as part of our protection plan. Yeah, of course you
could. Now, I'm not saying that you should avoid all people. Not at all. In fact, we
want to to go back to what we already talked about in building and enriching
and enhancing those relationships that are healthy and affirming and positive.
We want to do that all day long. It is okay
for you to opt-out of some of the things that would draw you into that toxic
exposure. I think we can learn a lot from poison control. And maybe that will
improve our relationships as well. I guess the same principles apply. Whether
we're dealing with poison or toxic interactions. I hope you found this
helpful comment down below. Let's have a conversation about what we're learning.
i standing in the street alone alone