[THEME MUSIC]
- Yeah! - OK.
Yeah! Yeah!
[LAUGHTER]
I like that attitude, Julia.
BOTH: Yeah!
That's what I'm--
Yeah.
That's why we like Julia.
She tells it how it is.
Julia 2020, motherfucker. JULIA (OFF CAMERA): Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's-- can we do a movie where we're, like,
your step-parents?
Like, and you hate us?
JULIA (OFF CAMERA): [LAUGHS]
That is a weird movie.
That is a--
That's a weird movie, but surprisingly, that would
do very well, like, award-wise.
MERO: [LAUGHS]
I feel-- so many-- so many boxes get checked off.
Yeah.
JULIA (OFF CAMERA): Yep.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
So many different angles to take.
Oh wow.
So many layers.
You know?
It's like a tiramisu.
JULIA (OFF CAMERA): OK.
Let's-- [LAUGHS]
- Aw. - Somber is good.
MERO: Somber news.
DESUS: Oh, god.
"Trump vows to fill Supreme Court vacancy without delay."
Yes, rest in peace, RBG.
[IN DONALD TRUMP VOICE] No delay.
Mr. Trump is like, yo.
Yo, I'm not waiting.
We're replacing them right now.
[IN DONALD TRUMP VOICE] RBG, RIP.
Got to get somebody in there, ASAB.
A-S-A-B. I like acronyms.
You know why everyone was like, oh, don't worry,
Trump is going to wait.
You knew he wasn't going to wait.
Come on, man.
You knew he wasn't going to wait.
They're going to have some-- you know
there's going to be some tape of him saying
something wild about her.
Like, before she--
You already know.
[IN DONALD TRUMP VOICE] She was a dud.
She was a judge.
Robe covers everything.
You know what's wild, too?
I knew it was going to happen as soon as Obama
had something to say about it.
As soon as Obama jumped out the window, it's just like,
yo, listen, man.
Like-- he should, like--
it should be after the election.
Yeah.
You knew Trump was going to be like, fuck that!
Fuck you!
You from Kenya.
I do what I want.
I'm the President.
I'm the emperor of the United States.
[ANGRY BABBLE]
I mean, after seeing what happened with Thanos
and the Infinity Gauntlet, why do
we still have a Supreme Court?
That's too much power distributed
to too little people.
Get rid of it!
We don't need a Supreme Court.
We don't a Supreme.
Everything supreme is overrated--
the sneakers, the sweaters, the Court.
Am I being a hypocrite?
Yes.
Do I enjoy Supreme? Yes.
Yes!
Do I need Supreme--
Also, the Supreme Court--
the Supreme Court is wild as usual.
It's just like, even now you've got to set up an appointment
to get an appointment if you want to go to the DMV
to renew your license or something.
To get in front of the Supreme Court,
you gotta go through all types of injustice
and it's got to get raised to the state level
and all this-- come on, man.
Yes.
It's a lot, it's a lot.
It's all right.
And there's no good--
there's no good TV version of the Supreme Court.
There's no-- you don't-- on Channel 2 or 4,
NBC, none of that. So get--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
The first and the last one was Night Court,
you know what I'm saying?
That was really true to life, to the way
the Supreme Court functions, you know what I mean?
Down to Harry Anderson, the god, you know what I'm saying?
Know what I mean?
Shoutout to-- fuck was that guy's name?
David LaCha-- I was going to say David LaChapelle!
David LaChapelle.
David Larroquette?
Larroquette?
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, John Larroquette. - Larroquette, yeah.
Yeah.
AKA Joe Isuzu.
Yeah, bro.
"Romney supports holding a vote on next Supreme Court nominee.
The announcement means Senate Majority Leader Mitch
McConnell" is a wild pussy.
Yo!
Why did Romney do this?
I thought Romney hated Trump!
This is-- this is your opportunity to dunk on Trump,
you goofy bozo.
Like--
Romney even faked a death to show up.
Every day-- every time he gets the chance to,
he gives Trump the dick flute solo.
And every-- like, he came out once he
said some strongly worded things about it,
but then he always votes with Trump.
Every now and then, like, he'll do
something that seems like he's dissenting,
but he always falls in line.
Because he, you know, that's what happens when--
even though he did give us the safest way to blow out candles
in the new coronavirus world-- - Yo!
True, that's true.
--that's the only good thing he has ever done.
And I can take it even further.
He's on some Chance "I Love My Wife" shit because he
bought her a dancing horse.
That's doing a lot, sir.
Woooow.
Mero, as a married man, if your neighbor--
I would never.
No.
--brings his wife home a dancing horse,
what kind of pressure does that put on you?
Yo.
Listen.
Me and my neighbor might have to talk.
Behind the barn.
You know what I'm saying?
DESUS: Mm-hmm.
Like, yo, fam.
You can't put that type of pressure on somebody.
You know what I mean?
Now I've got to get a dressage horse for my wife?
Like, shit, we already got a '05 Accord, bro.
That's good enough.
You know Romney be-- he's getting, like,
drunk off of whole milk and being like, yo,
I'ma fuck Donald Trump up, bro.
Yo!
You know what?
Let him say something else.
Yo.
Yo, yo, I-- darn it, I'm--
I'm-- Grr!
Gah-- dagnabbit!
Yeah.
You know he said dagnabbit and his wife's like [GASPS]..
Who would we nominate?
Uh--
Come on, man.
You know it's Judge Mathis, baby!
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I mean?
[LAUGHTER]
He recognizes crackhead behavior,
you know what I'm saying?
He's impartial.
There's that black couple and they come
on in the mornings and it's two of them--
well, because it's a couple.
It's like some sort of married-- they're a married couple--
MERO: Oh, the divorce--
yeah.
And they rule in on cases.
And I want them on the Supreme Court, only because--
and this is a hot take--
if you look closely at the couple,
it looks like one person is playing both of them.
- Yoooo-- - Desus, you see it.
You gotta open a third eye.
There's a lot of trick-- there's a lot of trick-nology going
on on television, all right?
You see what I'm saying?
This show is exposing the truth, you know what I'm saying?
It would be like if Alex Jones made sense.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And used skin conditioner.
MERO: Exactly.
You know.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] New York goss!
New York goss, New York goss!
It's a hell of a goss!
Ohhhh!
Anarchist jur-- Yo, that shit is lit!
Yo, anarchist jurisdiction, yerp!
That sounds like a punk band I was in in high school.
Like, yo!
Anarchist Jurisdiction!
Jurisdiction!
[AIR GUITAR SOUNDS] Brotherhood of loyalty!
Brotherhood of loyalty!
Brotherhood, brotherhood, brotherhood of loyalty!
DESUS: Why does the attorney general
look like a knockoff version of Roseanne Barr's husband?
MERO: Yo!
DESUS: Do you see it?
MERO: He's got a wild--
DESUS: He looks like the wild bootleg, uh, Dan.
Come on.
MERO: Yo!
My man got mad Small Lebowski vibes.
Yeah.
He's-- Firestick Lebowski.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh.
So the D-O- Department of Justice
has designated New York City as an "anarchist junction"!
Wow.
What does that mean?
I think we all have to start walking
around with, like, spikes, leather
vests, and Mohawks and stuff.
Yeah.
And like the anarchy thing with the circle with the A, like,
anarchy, bro!
Yeah!
You know what I'm saying? - Damn.
Do we got to all start riding, like,
those long-front motorcycles and stuff?
MERO: Yes.
Yes.
It's going to be hell.
"Department of Justice labels New York, Portland, and Seattle
anarchist jurisdictions."
MERO: Ayyyy!
Shout out to New York, Portland, and Seattle!
Top three, top three, you heard?
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!
"Department seeks to withdraw federal funds
from three cities.
Cuomo says Trump is [CUOMO VOICE] not a king!
He cannot defund New York City!"
[CUOMO VOICE] That's right, pal.
I run New York.
[CHUCKLES] The Cuomo family runs New York, all right?
These five families.
I-- the Cuomo family's one of them, all right?
How come only two of those cities have good legal weed?
Huh?
Can we get some legal weed here?
Come on!
Maybe that's why we're an anarchist jurisdiction!
We don't got good weed!
Think about that.
If everyone was high, people wouldn't be wildin'.
I don't know.
There'd be less anarchy.
[LAUGHS]
Right?
No, there'd be anarchy at, like, Chipotle and shit.
Like, man get down!
Get the fuck out of the way!
I need extra guac!
You could sing it like the--
you could sing it like the Power--
Go, Go, Power Rangers theme.
BOTH: [TUNE OF POWER RANGERS THEME]
Anarchist jurisdiction!
Woo!
It's got a-- it's like a little snap to it.
Yeah, I like that!
I'll take it. I'll take it.
Ow.
Movie goss!
Whoa.
DESUS: Bad movie goss.
Eh!
MERO: Ohhhh.
"Jim Caviezel says Mel Gibson sent him
third draft of 'Passion of the Christ' sequel."
Damn, Mel Gibson is on his third draft
of "Passion of the Christ," which
came out fucking 20 years ago!
[LAUGHS]
DESUS: Wow, how did we let Mel Gibson
be in charge of Jesus movies?
MERO: Like-- that's a great question!
You know what I'm saying?
That's a great question!
Has no one been like, no one been like, no, you can't?
Like, Jesus wouldn't bank with you?
To what? To tell him?
JULIA (OFF CAMERA): Yeah.
MERO: Yo, Mel Gibson, you can't do this shit, bro.
You're mad anti-Semitic, you bozo.
Also, are the streets crying out for a sequel
to "Passion of the Christ"?
MERO: They were, right?
I've never seen a popular tweet
where people was like, yo, what movie should we bring back?
And people were like "Belly," and everyone was
like, "Passion of the Christ"!
Yo, "Passion of the Christ," yo!
Yo, "Passion of the Christ"!
Yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah!
Yo, but make it starring Rihanna!
Like, what?
That was-- that was my favorite movie, though.
I wish it was-- like, remember when
we used to watch back in the day, and like,
DMX was riding with Jesus?
And he was like, yo, I don't like Pontius
Pilate over there, dawg.
I don't like him. - Yo!
I don't like him.
He gonna drop clues on you, yo.
[DMX VOICE] Hey, yo!
Pontius Pilate!
Yo!
Yo, Judas!
He's a-- he's a traitor!
Yo Jesus, my nigga, yo.
Hey yo.
Just stick with your dawgs.
Me. - [DMX VOICE] One of these men!
Will betray me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Drink this cup, 'cause it represents my blood.
Flesh of my flesh!
Blood of my bloooood!
That's right!
It's Christ!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, Jesus back.
Jesus Christ.
That could be the-- that could be
the theme song for the sequel.
Just like-- Yeah!
Yo, this is it, boom!
You got that music playing in the background.
The only God!
Jesus Christ!
We love you, God!
To you for good.
And we just see--
Jesus Christ!
We just see Jesus shirtless and he's just
doing mad delt lifts, and he's, like,
mad ripped, 'cause that's--
MERO: Yeah.
Because-- oh, he's got to go on a John Wick-style revenge.
Yeah.
Boom.
Yeah.
Listen!
When you see Jesus kills someone using
a loaf of unleavened bread--
MERO: Woo!
He's like yo!
He just drops-- he has one fish and he just drops mad fish
on somebody like, yo, you dead.
You died by all this mad fish.
You were crushed by fish.
The trailer is, like, 60 people
waiting outside of the door like, Jesus, come out and play!
[GOSPEL SINGING VOICE] Jesus, come out and play!
And he looks at the camera and he goes, forgive them
for they know not what they do.
And you just see mad blood splatter,
and the blood splatter spells out
"Passion of the Christ 2, Jesus Boogaloo, What Would You Do?"
Boom.
Go, boom boom.
Yo, ah, done.
You know what I'm saying? - Let's go.
Uh-huh.
The trailer is just him running mad fast on water
like, yo.
[SWISHING SOUNDS]
He's running like--
he's running like the anime people, like--
MERO: Yeah!
Straight Naruto running across water like, yo!
[SPRAYING SOUNDS] You know what I mean?
DESUS: Uh-huh.
And NBA YoungBoy is on the soundtrack and so is, uh--
Jesus Christ!
Yeah, there you go.
[LAUGHS]
And the first song-- and it features
the first song by Drake's son.
So-- - Yes!
Yes,
Yeah. Yeah.
See?
See, now people-- now all of a sudden, it's like,
do we need this movie?
Yes.
MERO: [LAUGHING]
DESUS: Pee Stain Pants, bro.
MERO: Oh, these are the NYU student denim.
OK.
All right.
"Wild, uncontrollable nature!
Chaos to be subdued and controlled.
Low-rise, blue denim Pee Stain Pants,
custom made to measurements and preferences
on pee stain design.
As each piece is custom made for you,
please allow three to five weeks for production."
That seems-- they could make--
they could pee in pants faster than.
Faster than that!
Why don't you get more than three people?
There's probably one person peeing in all the pants.
Like, just-- DESUS: Just drink more!
--outsource it.
Do they charge more depending on if it's
the first pee of the day or the last pee of the day?
Because as a connoisseur, you might
want a different pH level, you know what I'm saying?
You feel me?
You know what I mean?
Also, if the jeans-- if they're white jeans,
you know what I'm saying, you might want a more like,
you know, I don't hydrate properly kind of, like, color?
You know what I'm saying?
You feel me?
Are these available for men?
Or is it just for women who pee on themselves?
Or-- no.
It's just for women right now?
OK.
Well, I mean, a lot--
most guys have pee stained pants if they don't really, you know,
shake it after they pee.
Yeah.
So you got that.
No matter how much you jump and dance,
the last drop ends up in your pants.
It's true.
It's true, bro.
Bro.
Bro, I'm like, I'm at the urinal like Andre 300--
Andre 3000, and fucking shake it like a Polaroid picture.
[SINGING OUTKAST] Shake it like a Polaroid picture!
The drops ain't shot out, bro.
That's it.
They're not.
also, if you shake it more than three times,
you're jerking off. - That's true.
That's true. - So.
You know what I mean?
What?
Masturbation Denim Jeans for 500-- a measly 500 pounds!
"The world is an endless Narcissus
falling in love with herself.
Mother Earth is the pleasure-filled ritual
of breaking and healing in a state of cosmic masturbation.
Low-rise Masturbation Denim Jeans with front pocket,
available in two colorways."
Cumming and Unsatisfied.
Wow.
Cosmic Masturbation?
You've got to sing that, like, "Lowered
Expectation" from MadTV.
[SINGING TUNE OF LOWERED EXPECTATIONS]
Cosmic Masturbation.
Yo, you could also hide weed in there, too, like.
You know what I'm saying?
This is not just for Jilling off.
Or you could just-- that's like a perfect
Metro Card pocket, I guess.
Yeah.
Like yeah, boof!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
You could do so many other things like that.
Maybe you could sneak in one chicken McNugget
into the movie, you know?
Maybe-- [LAUGHTER]
You could seriously injure your clit,
like, with a fucking Metro Card in that thing, bro.
I think that's like a guillotine for your genitals.
[LAUGHTER]
You'd be like shit, oh shit!
You better hope they used cotton.
That is a part, like, you could--
say you were like smoking a Newport on your lunch break
and you don't finish it, you just snuff
it and then put it down there.
Got a Newport for later.
Boom, right there.
If you-- if you're chewing gum and you got to eat dinner,
take the gum out, put it in there.
It's so many-- so many things you could do with that!
You've just turned yourself into a human kangaroo.
Do not limit yourself. - Boom.
You know what I'm saying?
Now you don't-- you don't have to boof anything now.
You've got-- you have, like, a denim boof pocket.
You don't have to put something in your butt.
Ladies, are you going out for a night on the town
but you don't want to be embarrassed by seeing
a condom in the wrapper?
Save time, take the condom out the wrapper
and put it loose there.
So when it's time to go, you just shake the lid off,
you're ready to go--
- Hey! - All right?
Let's go. Let's get--
That's another free knowledge dart.
I like how they're bringing back
the thong-showing-out-of-the-jeans
thing from 1999.
You know what I'm saying?
OK.
Yeah, I mean--
What's that called?
What's that-- there's, like, a term for that, right?
The thong?
- According to my-- - Trashy!
[LAUGHS]
According-- according to my aunt,
that's called being a whore.
So.
Oh no!
A whale tail!
There you go.
Yeah, bro.
Hey bro, I'm going whale watching.
I'm going whale watching.
Yeah, ah, check out the whale tail on fucking Gloria, bro.
Bro!
Hey bro, let's go free Willy, bro.
[LAUGHTER]
You can only rock a whale tail with Mudd jeans, though.
You can't wear any other type of denim.
You got to take it back.
You know what I'm saying?
A little L.E.I.
JULIA (OFF CAMERA): All right.
Yeah, yeah, these two--
Yeah.
Your favorite jerks are ready, bro.
MERO: [LAUGHING]