(pounding guitar music)
(audience clapping)
- This show rules.
- I personally love it better than standup.
- This is so wonderful to have a comedy club
in the back of a comic book store.
It's like having a dance studio
in the back of a porn shop.
(laughter)
- I've seen comedians,
I've known 'em for 20 years,
and I see 'em do this
and I'm like, fuck, it's a whole different thing.
- It's like a ballgame, man.
You can lose, you know.
(electronic drums)
Heh heh heh heh heh.
- I would say this is a comedy show
for genuine lovers of comedy
and for comics who are funny people,
not just funny onstage.
Being funny onstage helps, too.
(audience whoops and claps)
(electronic drums)
- Let's give it up, ladies and gentlemen,
for the never-before-seen set list
of Iliza Shlesinger.
(claps)
(electronic drums)
- How's everybody doin'?
Great.
Good-looking crowd.
Lotta nerds.
(audience laughs)
- That's fine.
This is fine.
This is your place, this is your mecca.
This is all right?
It's okay, it's very PC.
Post-9/11 world.
We can say that, it's okay.
Ooh, she said 9/11 so quickly.
(audience laughs)
Like, right for it.
And you can't fucking get your head to stop
thank fuckin' God.
So for the longest time,
my mom was taking birth control
and I was like, who are we foolin'?
(audience laughs)
Come on.
We know how old you are.
So I went ahead and switched it out
with these iron pills
because I was just like,
I wanna see how fuckin' jacked Mom can get.
And I switched them out.
I had to cut them down because
birth control pills,
I don't take birth control,
I don't believe in it,
that's my own thing.
For you, it's great.
For me, I just think the idea of
fucking up your body
so a guy can have the pleasure
of getting off in you
totally not something I wanna do.
I think you would also need a boyfriend
(audience laughs)
for that to even be something that you would
shit on for other people's choices.
But they're tiny, I've noticed.
'Cuz in sitcoms it's always like, oh,
Bobby replaced Becky's birth control
with, like, Pez or something,
and she's a dumb hooker if you think
your birth control tastes like strawberry, but fine.
Anyway, so I took my Mom's because
I am a sociopath, apparently,
and I cut them down.
I took the iron pills,
and I cut them down, I slivered them down,
and I spent hours just carving,
meticulously, I would carve serial numbers in.
I had a whole thing set up downstairs,
with like a little lens that people use,
and I'd carve, and she'd knock, she'd be like,
what are you doing down there?
And I'd be like, it's weird that I still
live at home, and I'd just carve them
to little bits, and I would go in
and I would replace them and Mom
stopped getting her period a long time ago,
because she's in her 60s,
but I noticed that she was a lot more aggressive
and she had bigger muscles.
By iron pills, I meant testosterone pills.
And so, that's what I meant.
And now Mom has a beard.
And now I don't need to visit Dad
because Mom is Dad.
I've got one together.
So the divorce was fine
because it's one parent.
I've created a hybrid parent.
It's what the Germans wanted to do.
The Japanese were right behind them.
It was a night like any other night,
and I had just informed by boyfriend
that I don't believe in taking birth control
for his pleasure, and he was like,
I've got an idea.
I've got these sweet-ass condoms,
you don't have to put them on,
they just kind of hover around your dick
and it's kind of, it's a meta idea
of having sex.
You don't actually have sex,
it's the idea that the protons
orbiting around the matter that
makes up your penis would sort of
create a force field
and in that, the sex happens out of the body.
There's actually no touching.
It's very Mormon, very Amish,
no touching, and the sex just
it's the magnetism, the animal magnetism
that they're referring to.
When we say magnetic condom night,
it's a night at the rec center.
(audience laughs)
They invite all the homeless to come.
It's a service that we provide here
at the center for homeless people to fuck.
(audience laughs, a few clap)
So if there's one rule that I've always lived by,
aside from not believing in birth control,
which was a weird riff I've created with the audience.
But I said that I can explain it later.
My motto has always been JPR,
which is Just Put Everything Right There.
We forgot the T.
In the South, it's rightthere,
it's just like a quick was to say it.
I'm from Texas.
'Cuz I have this, it's like an organizing,
I have a disorder for organizing.
It's an organizational disorder,
which we wrestle with in the medical community.
I'm also in the medical community.
Not a doctor per se, but one time
I stuck my hand in a
fucking garbage disposal and I had to
sew up my own thing with the magnifying glass
I have downstairs.
And I sewed it up, and I gave myself a bionic hand.
And it was super-cool until we realized
it was just a bunch of hot dogs
and it was gross.
Just put everything right there,
it's just my way of saying, like,
all your shit in life, just make sure you
put it to one side, push it down,
just down, suppress it until it becomes
a ball of rage or somehow solidifies
into some type of calcium deposit
and you grow a horn.
That happened.
The Germans were working on something like that.
(audience applauds loudly)
So, yeah.
(scattered audience laughs)
So when you are a POW,
another acronym for you, all right?
Oooh rah, okay, so when you are,
let's say, captured by the enemy,
there's certain rules.
Number one, maintain and sustain yourself,
hydration, maybe try to keep a routine,
so you can remember what time of day it is
because they don't want you to mentally go crazy,
these are certain rules that they have in the military.
But also, it's important to kibitz with your cellmate.
You're gonna wanna talk to him,
you want to find out his interests.
Just kind of, you know, find out about his day,
this will keep you sane.
Did you enjoy the bamboo shoots
under your fingernails today?
How did that feel for you?
It feel OK? OK, yes, no,
I couldn't breathe during the water torture, either,
but I feel like that's the point.
So just kind of, kind of these things.
The small talk is really what,
they'll say it will set you free,
'cuz it keeps your mind going,
but really it's what will drive you crazy.
And that's what the Germans were working on.
(audience laughs)
I'll take that as a closer, that's fine.
(punchy guitar music)
For some reason, I got it in my head
that that's what the Germans were working on
was going to be my button for everything.
Didn't seem to go over well,
but I went with it.
It's an intelligent crowd,
so you really get a chance to
use all your SAT words.
You know, you can't get away with, like,
fart and dick jokes.
You know, they set the bar a little bit higher here
at Nerdmelt?
That's what it's called?
Okay.
(electronic drums fade out)
(fast electronic beeps)
(sound of cards being shuffled)