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bricks. The United States and the United Kingdom have
a complicated relationship. They used to be united, but then colonial Americans felt derided
and decided they’d rather be divided. The UK felt blindsided and cried that being divided
was misguided, so their two lopsided armies collided, people died and in time the United
Kingdom abided, and to the States United, independence was provided. In time, tensions
subsided and the two decided to become allied, and provided ambassadors who have, in each
other’s capitals, resided. But recently, the United States has derided the United Kingdom’s
prided legal system and thus has been chided. Why did they do it? A reason was provided,
but whether it’s compelling is undecided. Why did I make the whole intro rhyme? Unclear;
but it was obviously misguided. And it took, like, a really long time. Man. Seriously,
why did I do that? Well, anyways, now that I’m loose from
the noose of Dr. Seuss, let’s talk about London’s congestion charge. From 7am to
10pm, if you want to drive in London’s “Congestion Charge Zone,” which includes all this, you’ve
gotta fork over 15 pounds, effective every day except Christmas, when its waived in honor
of the wise men’s famous gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and toll exemptions. This, of course,
raises the question: “but, like… uh… why?” Why would London charge people to
drive on its roads? That’s what roads are for! That would be like charging people for
sunshine or fresh air or basic healthcare, and who would do that? The idea is to reduce
noise and air pollution, as well as to raise money for London’s public transit system.
In economics, this might be called a sin tax, which is different from syntax, which is how
you order sentences good, and different from a Sim tax, which is when you charge Sims characters
a tariff for transporting goods from SimCity to SimIsle, and different from a Simp tax,
which is what a premium Snapchat subscription is called.
The idea behind a sin tax is that the government taxes things it wants to discourage—i.e.
sins—thus making it more expensive for people to do or buy those things, and thus reducing
consumption of those bad things. This is why countries often tax tobacco and alcohol so
heavily; they want people to use them less, because it turns out tobacco and alcohol are
bad for you. Who knew? Also, governments want money, because they’re greedy pigs who want
to do gross, exorbitant things like provide people healthcare and education. Blegh. Anyways,
places like London noticed their streets were way too crowded, making the city too loud,
too slow, too smoggy, and far too British. To solve three of those four problems, they
decided to reduce the number of cars on the roads by charging people to drive on them.
There are some exemptions to the rule: cars that meet certain environmental standards
can drive free, if you live in or very near the area you get a 90% discount, if you’re
an NHS patient who is too ill to travel by public transit, you get a refund, and if you’re
the queen technically there’s no exemption but what are they gonna do, sue you? You’re
the queen. Your face is literally on the pieces of paper they want from you. But you know
who isn’t exempted? Foreign diplomats. Including US diplomats. Except, the US diplomats don’t
really see it that way. To understand why, you have to understand
a bit about diplomatic immunity, which is different from democratic disunity, which
is what America has now, which is different from plutocratic community, which is what
rules America now, which is different from diplostatic retoonity, which are two words
I just made up. Under the Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations of 1961 and the Vienna
Convention on Consular Relations of 1963, diplomats are exempted from, among other things,
paying taxes. And so, the United States’ diplomats refuse to pay the congestion charge,
as they say it’s a tax. London disagrees, and says it’s not a tax, it’s a charge,
so they do have to pay. But then the US says “uh… no.” And then London says “uh…
actually yes.” And then the US says “uh… well actually actually...no.” And basically
things have gone back and forth that way for years, in what is, as far as I know, the first
time that the US and UK have ever gotten into a dispute about taxes ever.
Now normally, if someone refuses to pay money they owe the government, whether it’s a
tax or a charge, they’ll be sued or prosecuted—but, diplomatic immunity also prevents foreign
countries from prosecuting or suing diplomats. For anything. Like literally anything. A diplomat
could murder somebody, or commit arson, or say that Friends is better than Seinfeld and
they couldn’t be prosecuted unless the diplomat’s home country waived their immunity. It depends
a little on who the person is—there are different levels, ranging from full immunity
from civil and criminal charges for top diplomats, to immunity from everything except civil charges
for top staff, to functional immunity for low-level staff, which only covers crimes
committed in the scope of their job. This is part of why diplomats join pigeons as the
scourge of cities like New York, DC, and London because they refuse to pay parking tickets
and there’s not a damn thing you can do to make them pay them. But hey, they’re
still not as bad as pigeons: pigeons don’t pay parking tickets either, plus they poop
on cars. Though technically diplomats could also poop on cars and not get prosecuted.
Right now, about ¾ of embassies pay London’s congestion charge, but the remaining ¼ that
don’t, a group led by the US, Japan, Nigeria, Russia, and India, now owe over 100 million
pounds—with the US alone at over 12 million—and London just doesn’t have a lot of options
to force them to cough up the dough. Recently they’ve said they want to take it up with
the International Court of Justice which would be a great idea if what the International
Court of Justice said actually mattered. Their only real option is to declare diplomats “persona
non grata” and send the diplomats home, but that feels like a pretty extreme move.
After all, what’s 12 million pounds between friends?
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