>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT THERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M PRETTED KNIGHTED BECAUSE IN A
LITTLE WHILE I'M GOING TO BE TALKING TO NICK KROLL.
HE'S GONE TO BE RIGHT OVER HERE.
HE'S GOT A NEW CARTOON ON NETFLIX ABOUT THE HORRORS OF
GOING THROUGH PUBERTY.
IT'S CALLED "BIG MOUTH."
I FOR ONE DID NOT REALIZE "MOUTH BIGGENNING" WAS SOMETHING
TODAY'S KIDS HAD TO DEAL WITH.
AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT PUBERTY IS AN ISSUE I HAVEN'T
REALLY DEALT WITH ON MY SHOW.
AND THAT'S UNFORTUNATE, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MANY OF YOU CONSIDER
ME SORT OF YOUR "TV DAD."
SO, I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD "THE TALK."
THAT'S RIGHT, DAD'S CALLING A FAMILY MEETING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, CHAMP.
WHY DON'T YOU POP A SQUAT THERE.
LET'S CHAT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
13?
14?
35?
GOD, THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
NOW, I KNOW IT MIGHT BE A BIT WEIRD FOR YOU TO HEAR ABOUT
PUBERTY WITH YOUR DAD, SO I BROUGHT SOMEONE YOU CAN RELATE
TO: YOUR COOL OLDER COUSIN, NICK.
NICK?
>> HEEEY!
HA-HA!
WHAT'S UP LI'L COUSIN BRO!
I'M ALSO INTOON SOCIAL MEDIA!
>> Stephen: OKAY, SPORT, I KNOW OKAY, SPORT, I KNOW IT'S TOUGH
GOING THROUGH PUBERTY SO I'M GOING TO START WITH THE TOUGHEST
PART.
>> BORNE PATROL.
>> Stephen: YES, YOUR BODY CHANGES.
FOR ONE THING, YOU MIGHT START TO GET SOME HAIR WHERE THERE
WASN'T ANY BEFORE.
>> YEAH, LONG, COARSE, WIRY HAIR, GROWING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR
NIPPLES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NICK, IS THAT
HAPPENING TO YOU?
>> YEAH, YEAH, I CAN SCRUB A POT WITH MY NIP HAIR!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, SLUGGER--
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> I LOVE YOU, UNCLE STEVE!
I LOVE YOU, UNCLE STEVE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, SLUGGER, YOU
MIGHT SOON START TO EXPERIENCE BODY ODOR.
WHERE YOU USED TO SMELL FRESH AS A DAISY, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO
SMELL LIKE AN OLD BASEBALL GLOVE COVERED IN YOGURT.
>> COVER THAT UP WITH SOME SICK BODY SPRAY.
I USE ONE THAT SMELLS LIKE ENERGY DRINKS AND D.J.
EQUIPMENT!
SCRITCHY-SCRATCH!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DO NOT-- DO NOT
HUFF THAT.
JUST REMEMBER, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL-- SQUIRT IT RIGHT IN
YOUR EYES UI UNDERSTAND.
>> YEEEAH!
NOW, CHAMP, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO BE ASHAMED OF YOUR
BODY, OKAY, BECAUSE WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT, YOUR PRIVATE
PARTS MAY DO THINGS, EVEN WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP.
>> THAT'S RIGHT-- NOCTURNAL "E-MISSION POSSIBLE"!
YOU MIGHT DREAM ABOUT A SMOKING HOT BABE, YOUR MOM WITH A
LIONESS' HEAD.
BOTTOM LINE IS, WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON, YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE UP
STICKY AND RELAXED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
UNCLE STEVE?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YOUR BODY'S GOING THROUGH ALL THESE CHANGES SO THAT SOON, YOU
WILL BE READY TO DO THE ACT WHEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS GET
TOGETHER AND-- >> SLAM THE HAM AGAINST THE
CLAM.
BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WOOO!
BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, THE
HAM-TO-CLAM SLAM.
SEE, WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, THEY DO A
VERY SPECIAL SWEATY DANCE.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE IN LOVE TO MAKE SEX.
LIKE ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND TARA, WE BARELY LIKE EACH OTHER, AND
WE STILL GOT TO FIFTH BASE.
POW!
>> Stephen: NICK, I'M TRYING TO BE GOOD FATHER HERE.
EVEN IF MY BROTHER WASN'T A GOOD FATHER TO YOU.
>> TOO REAL, UNCLE STEVE.
BUT RESPECT FOR BEING A FIGURE OF STABILITY IN MY LIFE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND I DON'T WANT YOU
TO THINK REAL SEX BETWEEN REAL PEOPLE IS ANYTHING LIKE WHAT YOU
SEE ON THE INTERNET.
>> GOOD POINT.
IT TAKES A LOT LESS TIME, AND THE LIGHTING IS MUCH WORSE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, IF
YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, YOU NEED TO HAVE PROTECTION.
SO HERE'S A LITTLE RHYME I CAME UP WITH TO HELP YOU REMEMBER:
BEFORE YOUR STRAIGHT, GROUP, OR GAY SEX,
WRAP YOUR PENIS IN LATEX.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> YEAH, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.
NO DOUBT.
NO DOUBT, UNCLE STEVE.
OR YOU CAN SAVE $10 AND JUST PUT A TOOTH WHITENING STRIP ON YOUR
PEENER.
WORKS GREAT!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DON'T DO THAT.
>> DO IT.
MY PENIS HAS NEVER BEEN WHITER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT WORKS?
>> IT WORKS.
>> Stephen: IT WORKS.
>> YOU GOTTA SEE IT SMILE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NICK, NICK, YOU
HAVE EVER HAD SEX BEFORE.
>> NO, BUT MY OLDER COUSIN, JAYMIE, TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE CRAZIEST PART IS, THAT THE GIRLS' STUFF IS
UNDERNEATH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> LIKE, IT'S NOT ON THE FRONT.
IT'S UNDERNEATH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OUR STUFF IS UNDERNEATH, TOO, RIGHT?
>> YOURS HEADS STRAIGHT DOWN.
OH, YOU GOTTA SEE A DOCTOR, UNCLE STEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ANYWAY, CHAMP, THIS
IS ALL STUFF YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT QUITE YET, 'CAUSE
YOU HAVEN'T HIT YOUR GROWTH SPURT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS FAST.
I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.
>> ME TOO.
HEY, UNCLE STEVE, CAN I BORROW 20 BUCKS AND SOME WHITENING
STRIPS.
>> Stephen: NICK KROLL, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO TALK WITH NICK KROLL.