- God,
I love fucking you both.
But in such different ways.
- So what are we doing for v day Jacked Galifianakis?
- I want a romantic dinner
and a magical night of hardcore pounding.
- But I wanna do a bro crossfit workout sesh
and then stuff that grape leaf.
How are we suppose to share you,
you stinky little sex champ?
- Guys relax,
I can do you both
and give each of the perfect Valentine's Day.
Now who should I flop my dick around on to dry it off?
- Me bro! - No me Jay!
- [Valentine's Day Heart] I love you.
- I love you too.
Who said that?
- [Valentine's Day Heart] Be mine.
- Oh a beautiful red thing.
Of course I'll be yours.
Always and forever.
- [Valentine's Day Heart] Happy Valentine's Day
from Walgreens.
- (chuckling) I can't wait to tell my boys
about this meet cute.
And by my boys,
I mean my eyebrows.
Hey boys,
I met the woman of my dreams!
Hey where are you guys going,
hey!
Nice haul Jay,
you gonna drink some protein shakes in the dark?
- No no no,
I've got two dates lined up for Valentine's Day,
Brad and Susanne.
- Wow you're a real Tony Romeo.
- I know it's exhausting being the ultimate fuck machine.
I may have bitten off more than I can fuck.
Or maybe it's,
I may have fucked off more than I can chew.
- Hey hey hey hey hey Jay,
watch your language in front of my new lady friend.
- Whose that now?
- Jay the child my best friend,
please meet,
constructed of merchandise my girlfriend,
Reeses Wutherspoons.
- [Reeses] I love you.
- Wow.
- Hey Steve. - Oh side bar.
- Do you think it's possible we're both using
inanimate objects to avoid confronting our real issues?
- Hey the only issue I care about,
- is the border wall. - Really?
- Keep everyone in,
more friends for me.
- Tada!
- Oh Jayjay this is so romantic.
- Wait until you taste my flambé dessert.
I made it from stuff I found around the house.
- You're so 40
and such a magician.
Come here.
Let's make your magic wand disappear.
- I mean that's not how magic works,
but yeah yeah yeah,
you kinda get it.
(groaning)
- [Brad] (through the door) Oh I can't believe I'm
lifting with my dick out.
- I'm sorry,
can you excuse me for one moment please?
(grunting and breathing heavily)
- Hey.
- Nice active wear bro.
You could kill someone with that body.
- Oh yeah? - Hell yeah.
Your natural goaty musk,
mixed with the metal tang of these kettle bells,
is making me looney toons.
- Well I didn't shower today,
that's my Valentine's Present to you.
- You spoil me bro.
Come on buddy,
let's get some reps in.
I'll spot you.
(groaning)
- [Susanne] Whoopsie daisy,
my hymen grew back.
Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?
- Brad I need like two seconds okay?
Can you just sit tight for a second.
- Consider me clenched bro,
I'm tight like a wallet.
- What? - I'm like a little
Velcro wallet I'm so tight.
- Like the one I got on vacation last year?
- Yeah yeah,
Busch Gardens.
- Okay wait a minute, wait a minute,
what am I doing?
I gotta go.
- Ew this is just called breakfast sauce.
- There's no rule that says you can't have breakfast sauce
for night lunch.
- Coach Steve?
- Welcome to Walgreens,
Jessi my friend whose a child girl,
meet Reeses Wutherspoons,
my girlfriend who is things.
- [Reeses] I love you.
- Oh coach Steve,
you deserve love too.
- Thanks. - Even if it is
- coming from a collection of,
I guess pharmacy garbage.
- Oh my sweet Reeses,
I wish people could see you the way I see you.
- I love you so much Steve,
but you know what happens at midnight.
- My goldfish brain starts over?
- Exactly.
- Tada.
- [Brad] Jay I need you to sit on my back
with your bare ass.
- 69,
- 69. - Jay!
- [Susanne] I need you to saw me in half with your
40 year old schvonce!
(gasping and barking)
- (barking) Pressure, pressure,
pressure, pressure,
Jay, is feeling too much pressure.
- [Susanne] (screaming) Help Jay help me!
(screaming)
- I'm on fire! - Oh shit!
- That flambé!
- Well what do I do!?
- Put me out with your cum obviously!
- Oh no,
I'm out of Jay juice!
- What the hells going on in here!
(yelling and grunting)
- Ow! - Bro!
(crying)
- Oh that's it I can't do this anymore!
- What are you saying Jay?
- I've hurt you both
and even worse,
I'm blowing air wads.
I'm out.
- So,
you're dumping us on Valentine's Day?
- I just think I have to take a break.
A sex break.
- Whoa. - I just need some time alone,
to collect my thoughts
and figure out who the fuck I am.
- Bro, you expect me to go cold turkey on that,
spicy beef jerky?
- I'm sorry.
I've got nothing left to jizz.
- Damn Jay is in it,
love is hard,
take it from me,
a ladybug raising two step children,
cause my partner up and died.
That's right,
I got stuff going on too y'all.
(upbeat electronic jazz)