- I'm going to react to a standup comedy clip
from Jerry Seinfeld that he did a few years back
on "The Tonight Show."
Seinfeld's talking about tone of voice
and how his wife had to talk to him about his.
From an educational standpoint, I'm breaking this clip down
because I've already made some videos about tone of voice
and subscribers keep asking about it.
And humor can be a great teacher,
and Seinfeld, as you will see,
is strangely insightful about communication.
The clip lasts a few minutes,
we'll watch the whole thing together,
and then I will make some observations
about his take on tone of voice
as well as his public speaking.
(audience laughing)
- And being married is also something.
Never imagined it. Love it.
Wonderful thing. I love my wife.
She's the most wonderful girl in the world...
But... (audience laughing)
There are certain things.
What is the problems with the male and the female
living together in the house?
The big problem that I see,
and I think a lot of men in the audience
will understand this, if you live with a woman,
the problem is a tone-of-voice problem.
(audience laughing)
When I was single, I was not aware
that I have many different tones.
I have since learned
that not only are there many different tones,
I am often speaking in the incorrect tone.
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
My what?
Your tone.
My tone?
Yes, your tone.
What tone?
That tone.
(audience laughing)
Is it too high, too low, too sharp, too flat?
I don't like your tone.
You better change your tone.
Now the male tone does change
over the course of the relationship.
In the beginning,
when the male initially pursues the female,
we tend to have our voice higher don't we, in the beginning?
You know, we tend to talk like this
'cause it sounds a little more vulnerable, a little sweeter.
And you know, "Chinese food or Italian sounds great."
(audience laughing)
"Or we can take a drive or go for a walk."
(audience laughing)
But then the relationship gets a little more comfortable.
The male voice starts to come down here.
This tone here. You hear this one?
This is the one they don't like.
They like the higher tone because it makes them think
that he will fit in well
with the other little stuffed animals on my bed.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
My actual speaking voice that I am using right now
to communicate with you is not welcome in my house.
If I was to walk in my house and go, "All right,
I gotta get something to eat,"
any guy I know would say, "Fine, what do you feel like?"
Any woman will say, "Why are you yelling at me?"
(audience laughing)
- The clip keeps going, but we'll stop it there.
In addition to being funny,
the best jokes always have some truth to them.
Here are some principles
about communication I hear in this segment.
First, I love how he starts with the premise
that he was not even aware that he had a tone of voice.
As the old saying goes, it's funny because it's true.
If you think about it,
are you aware of how you sound to others
and the way your tone comes across?
What attitude does it communicate to others?
We are usually the last ones
to know the answers to those questions.
Second, he talks about getting feedback.
I love that he only realizes he even has a tone
until he gets married.
His wife teaches him that there are a variety
of possible tones he could have.
That's accurate.
In most cases, we have no idea that we are coming across
as maybe grumpy or sarcastic or rude
until someone gives us feedback.
And if someone gives you feedback, by the way,
be thankful because they're probably trying to help.
Third, I love how he explains
the way our tone changes over time.
At the beginning of our relationship or maybe a job,
we're on our best behavior.
We talk in supportive and respectful tones.
Later, we might say the exact same words,
but our tone communicates a different attitude.
Researchers say that our communication has two dimensions.
One is a content dimension
that includes the facts, the information in our message,
and the information that either Chinese or Italian food
are both great, is a content issue.
But then there's the relational dimension.
The way you say it.
This communicates our emotions and attitude
that say something about our relationship.
And his story captures both the content
and relationship dimensions really well.
Let's talk about his public speaking.
It's stand-up comedy and you may not do that,
but the biggest takeaway here
is that Seinfeld is technically not telling jokes
the way most of us think about what a joke is.
He's really telling humorous stories.
And there's a lot of bad advice out there,
like you should start your speech with a joke.
We typically think of jokes
as having a setup and a punchline, like a knock-knock joke,
but I've heard speakers try jokes like that
and they almost always bomb, but Seinfeld's telling a story.
He's sharing his whole experience
as if it's playing out as a conversation
that he's having with his wife.
The lesson for us as public speakers
is to look for humorous and light-hearted stories
that help you make your point, you don't worry about jokes.
And usually we're speaking to communicate information,
but adding some nice, light-hearted stories
will make it more engaging.
And you notice that Seinfeld's stories
are about his own shortcomings.
This is called self-effacing or self-deprecating humor.
You're not making fun of other people,
you're making fun of perhaps your own shortcomings
or failures or missteps.
Audiences love that and it will make you more relatable
and keep your listeners interested.
I have two questions for you.
Are you aware of your own tone of voice,
how do you come across to others?
And how comfortable are you using humor
when you do your own presentations?
I look forward to reading your answers below.
And who else should I react to?
Post your suggestions below there as well.
God bless and I will see you soon.