TRUMP SPENT ALL DAY HAVING HIS FRIENDS TELL EVERYONE HOW NOT
RACIST HE IS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE NON-RACISTS DO.
HE STARTED BY HOLDING A CABINET MEETING, AND HUD SECRETARY BEN
CARSON COVERED HIS PAL'S SIZABLE ASS.
>> WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A NON-POLITICIAN WHOSE SPEECH IS
UNFILTERED BUT GETS A LOT OF STUFF DONE, OR SOMEBODY WITH A
SILVER TONGUE WHO GETS NOTHING DONE?
>> BUT I THOUGHT I HAD A SILVER TONGUE?
>> Stephen: (TRUMP ACCENT) I THOUGHT I HAD A SILVER TONGUE.
SILVER TONGUE, GOLD HAIR.
BRONZE FACE, LEAD POISONING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: (TRUMP ACCENT)
THAT'S WHAT I -- I -- I -- A SHRED OF SPINE WAS SHOWN BY
UTAH SENATOR MITT ROMNEY, SEEN HERE ORDERING A FLAVORLESS
SELTZER, HOLD THE BUBBLES.
( LAUGHTER ) HE CALLED TRUMP'S COMMENTS
"DESTRUCTIVE AND DEMEANING," BUT WERE THEY RACIST, MITT?
>> WOULD YOU GO SO FAR AS TO SAY "RACIST COMMENTS?"
>> THAT'S ALL I GOT, THANKS!
>> STEPHEN: WHAT COURAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S LIKE GANDALF IN "LORD OF
THE RINGS."
(AS GANDALF) "YOU SHALL NOT... THAT'S ALL I
GOT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
GO BACK TO THE DARKNESS!
FLY, YOU FOOLS!
BUT MOST REPUBLICANS DEFLECTED QUESTIONS ABOUT TRUMP'S RACISM
WITH ATTACKS ON THE CONGRESSWOMEN, LIKE THIS BIZARRE
TAKE FROM NEW YORK REPRESENTATIVE LEE ZELDIN.
>> THE THING IS WITH THESE MEMBERS, ESPECIALLY OMAR AND
TLAIB, I FEEL LIKE THEIR HEARTS ARE FILLED WITH DARKNESS.
A.O.C.'S HEART MIGHT BE FILLED MORE WITH COTTON CANDY AND
UNICORNS.
>> STEPHEN: (AS ZEDLIN) "YEAH, HER HEART'S FILLED WITH
COTTON CANDY AND UNICORNS.
SHE MAKES ME FEEL FUNNY WHEN I SEE HER IN THE HALLWAY.
I BET HER HAIR SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS.
PLEASE GO TO SOCIALIST PROM WITH ME!"
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A RESPONSE
FROM...
"THE SQUAD."
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, SOMEHOW A.O.C. MANAGED NOT TO
SWEAR: >> I WANT TO TELL CHILDREN
ACROSS THIS COUNTRY, IS THAT NO MATTER WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAYS,
THIS COUNTRY BELONGS TO YOU, AND IT BELONGS TO EVERYONE.
WE'LL STAY FOCUSED ON OUR AGENDA AND WE WON'T GET CAUGHT
SLIPPING, BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS A DISTRACTION.
>> STEPHEN: TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED, (AS TRUMP)
"NUH-UH, FAKE NEWS, EVERYBODY LOOK UP HERE!
WHO WANTS TO SEE ME DO A CARTWHEEL?
( LAUGHTER ) AM I DOING IT?
IS THIS HOW YOU -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THIS -- IS IT?
-- IS IT?" IT WOULD REALLY HELP IF I HAD
BONES.
CONGRESSWOMAN PRESSLEY TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLAIN THAT THE
SQUAD WENT BEYOND THE PEOPLE AT THE PODIUM.
>> DESPITE THE OCCUPANT OF THE WHITE HOUSE ATTEMPTS TO
MARGINALIZE US AND TO SILENCE US, PLEASE KNOW THAT WE ARE
MORE THAN FOUR PEOPLE.
OUR SQUAD IS BIG.
OUR SQUAD INCLUDES ANY PERSON COMMITTED TO BUILDING A MORE
EQUITABLE AND JUST WORLD.
>> STEPHEN: OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN I BE IN THE SQUAD?
TEACH ME THE HANDSHAKE!
GIVE ME THE CODE RING!
WHERE'S THE CLUBHOUSE?
I'LL BRING A BOX OF FRANZIA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.