(rock music)
- From the Ember Fringe Festival,
it's setlist, stand-up without a net.
- With comedians from around the world
creating stand-up comedy out of thin air
on the spot, under pressure,
and without any preparation whatsoever.
(cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
will you welcome the never-before-seen setlist
of Mr. John Robin! (cheering)
- Yeah, baby, (mumbles).
(cheering) (clapping)
Hello!
Hello! - Hello!
- Hey, folks, it's smashing to be here.
Thanks so much for having me.
A lot of you might not know who I am
or ever seen me before,
so I thought tonight I'd just tell you
a few things about myself.
First of all...
(laughter)
It's very difficult to find time to be creative.
(chuckling)
Unless that time suddenly appears
in your diary unexpectedly.
So for example, sometimes you might go to the shops,
and the shop's gonna be shut,
so you suddenly got yourself half an hour free.
Sometimes, you maybe penciled in
a bit of lady time, you know babes.
(chuckling)
And you penciled in maybe seven, eight minutes...
(laughter)
You know what happens?
You suddenly find yourself
with seven and a half minutes to spare.
(laughter)
And often at times like that, I'll be pretty inspired
by what I've seen, you know.
Let us go there you and I,
when the giz is spread out across your eyes.
(laughter)
Like a patient becockied on a table.
(laughter)
I don't know if you're familiar
with the work of T.S. Elliot...
(laughter)
Or if you rearrange the letters of his name, Toilet.
(laughter)
So, a lot of my poetry, it's just based...
(laughter)
Powerfully, carefully, carefully onward
into the valley of death drove the 600.
I think you need to change the words
to (mumbles) ejaculating inside the woman.
(laughter)
Tennyson, I mean, a lot of you don't know
that that's what that poem was about.
It's not about the bravery of 600 soldiers in the World War,
it's about sperm. (laughter)
It's about the tragedy that for every one that gets through,
millions die. (laughter)
The second thing you need to know about me is...
(chuckling)
(laughter)
Oh, it's important, this one.
(chuckling)
I was talking about my diary earlier,
and obviously, babe time is Mondays, Tuesdays,
Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.
You're thinking, "John, why is there no babe time
"on a Wednesday?" (chuckling)
On a Wednesday, I like to reenact moments from history...
(laughter)
And I like it possible
to keep them giz free, actually, folks.
(laughter)
Yes, guys.
But this went sorely wrong because one advantage
of the other giz-filled days of the year
is the week is the giz holder, or as I call it,
my foreskin. (laughter)
That's what it's called;
that's what medical professionals call it.
(laughter)
And unfortunately, during one particularly
over-enthusiastic reenactment of the French Revolution,
I performed what could only be described
as hastily improvised circumcision
(laughter) on myself.
I'm a very filthy comic, actually, madam.
(laughter)
On a hastily improvised circumcision
on what is now been known throughout the lands
as Guillotine Wednesday. (laughter)
Third thing you need to, bearing in mind
how filthy a comic I am
and how comfortable I am doing filthy comedy,
'cause I'm very edgy as a human being--
(laughter)
Third thing you need to know about me is...
I hate box sets.
(laughter)
And if another one of you pucking pricks
comes up and says, "Have you seen Breaking Bad, have you?
"Have you seen the wire?"
I'm gonna puck your mum! (laughter)
(applause) I warned you.
That's what's gonna happen.
Keep your pucking box sets away from me.
I don't watch box sets
'cause I'm very happy with my girlfriend.
(laughter)
I'll turn the paper over the cracks,
and if I did, I do it with poetry covered in giz.
(laughter)
Thanks again, (mumbles)! (applause)
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