Anybody here ever woken up early?
It's the worst, right?
- [audience laughs]
- Told my friend I had to wake up early,
he gives you one of these, he goes, "Hey,
you know the nice thing about waking up early?
You get a lot of stuff done."
- [audience laughs]
- You ever hear that bullshit?
- [audience laughs]
- I'm like, "Yeah, you wanna know what sucks?
Doing stuff."
- [audience laughs]
- Doing like anything sucks.
Especially during the daytime.
Daytime's the worst time to do anything.
Nothing good has ever happened during the day.
- [audience laughs]
- Think about it. Daytime.
It's when they made us go to school.
It's when we have to go work at our jobs.
9/11 happened during the day.
- [audience laughs]
[audience light applause]
- Like first thing in the morning, too.
- [audience laughs]
- 8:48 a.m., rude awakening.
- [audience laughs]
- Hit the snooze on that.
- [audience laughs]
- Daytimes sucks.
Nighttime's where it's at.
That's right.
- [audience cheers]
- That's right.
We're drinking, we're laughing.
Who knows? People might even fuck later, come on.
Math. Nine out of ten fucks happen at night.
- [audience laughs]
- Nine out of ten elevens happen during the day.
- [audience laughing]
- People try to come at me with breakfast.
"Oh, Allen, breakfast, most important meal of the day."
When is the best time to eat breakfast?
Three a.m. drunk as fuck.
Nighttime wins again.
- [audience cheers and applause]
- That's right.
If you still don't believe me that nighttime is just
all-around cooler than daytime, think about the two things
we associate most with night and day.
Day--the sun.
The sun is a fucking loser.
- [audience laughing]
- Okay?
The sun is that nerdy kid in the front seat of the class,
same spot every day, nothing better going on,
total buzz kill.
If you look at the sun too long, you get a headache,
and then you go blind.
- [audience laughing]
- If you don't wear enough sunscreen,
you get cancer.
And in a billion years, the sun will literally explode
and destroy everything humanity has ever known.
Not very tight.
- [audience laughing]
- Meanwhile, the moon...
is dope.
The moon is so chill
that sometimes at night...
it doesn't even show up.
- [audience laughing]
- Sometimes it's big and red for no reason, all in your face.
Sometimes it's too hung over, it's gotta chill in a hammock.
- [audience laughing]
- Sometimes it shows up during the day, crashes the sun's shit
like, "Let's do it, nerd, pregaming 2 p.m."
- [audience laughing]
- The moon is cool.
The only time the sun is ever cool
is during an eclipse when the moon is like...
"He's with me."
- [audience laughing and applause]
- That was joke number one.
- [audience laughing]
- I'm originally from Florida.
- [audience cheers]
- "Whoo" is the state motto of Florida, that is correct.
- [audience laughing]
- Florida's a weird place.
If you've never been there,
I have this analogy I like to use to explain it.
I'll share with you fine folks tonight.
If America is the Walmart...
then Florida's that McDonald's inside the Walmart.
- [audience laughing and applause]
- I don't know if you've ever been to one of those McDonald's,
but it's always weird.
It's like a guy waving a gun around for no reason.
- [audience laughing]
- There's an iguana at the cash register.
- [audience laughing]
- There's a meth deal by the sodas.
There's a meth deal on the menu.
It's actually pretty good meth. You can get that.
- [audience laughing]
- I'm from Jacksonville, Florida.
That's like the bathroom inside the McDonald's
inside the Walmart.
Water's always overflowing, and Limp Bizkit's always playing.
Very--very aggressive bathroom situation.
Jacksonville's interesting, because Jacksonville's actually
like the northern most part of the state of Florida.
But it's actually super Southern in culture.
Like all my family are rednecks.
I was raised Southern Baptist.
My mama was a casserole.
- [audience laughing]
- But if I ever say that I'm from the South,
and someone from like Alabama or Georgia hears me say that,
they always go, "Florida, that ain't the South."
- [audience laughing]
- You guys know how bad your state has to be
for the South not to want it?
- [audience laughing and applause]