Hi again, Dr. Paul here. Hey, do you have kids who are kind of picky eaters? Let's
take that on today. In some of the other videos that we've worked on here in the
parenting playlist, the positive parenting playlist, that's a resource for
all of us as parents, okay? So, spend some time there. But in some of those videos
we've talked about how we share control with our kids. Kids don't get to control
very much because they're not mature enough to do that. So, what they can
control, they will control and they will probably do it very enthusiastically, if
I can use that word. Eating is one of the things that your kids control. Now, you
control elements of the dining experience with your children but they
get to control what they eat, what they actually put in their mouth and swallow.
So, this is an area that the kids control. Now, with that in mind, let's talk for
just a moment about problem ownership. Whoever is most upset by or focused on,
some particular thing, owns the problem. Let me repeat that. Whoever is most upset
by or focused on whatever is the issue, owns the problem. Now, ask yourself, "Is my
child concerned about or focused on the quality of food, the nutritional value of
the food that they're consuming?" No! they're not worried about it. Therefore,
it's not their problem, is it? I know, that's going to sting a little bit because
it's going to come back to us as parents. Who owns this problem? Mom,
it's your problem. Dad, if it's bugging you, own it. You own the problem as a
parent. There's a lot of reasons why you're
concerned about it and your kids not. But here's the kicker, you're concerned about
something they control. That presents a possible of power struggle. I've got three
rules for power struggles, here they are: Rule number 1, avoid them. Don't get
into this fight if you don't have to. Before you march up that hill, you got to
decide, "am I willing to die on this hill?" Avoid them.
Rule number 2, if you can't avoid them, win them. I'd tell your kids this too.
Because I don't think they should be getting into power struggles that they
can't win. If you can't avoid a power struggle, make sure that you can win it.
Now number 3. Third rule for power struggles. You pick the issues. Kids are
really good at this. They don't get into power struggles with you about things
they don't control. Notice that. And maybe we can learn something from our
brilliant kids who have already figured out the three rules of power struggles.
Avoid them. If you can't avoid them, win them and you pick the issues. That's how
you're going to win them. So, going back to a basic concept of what we control
and what we don't. You don't control what your kids eat. However, you do control
what you provide to them, to eat. Do you see how we can get a little bit of
leverage off of that? The types of food that are available... look, if your kid is
constantly eating something that you don't approve of, where are they getting
this stuff? I know, that's going to sting a little bit too as you wheel your grocery
cart to the front with all of the ding-dongs and twinkies in there. And I'm
over emphasizing this, because you control what you provide. And if it's not
available to them, they don't have access do they?
They don't have that kind of control over their life yet. So, I know this is
sounding very basic and maybe even a little harsh. But let's acknowledge where
it comes from and you get to control what you provide. Not only that, you get
to control when you provide it. So, maybe, what they're eating is okay, but you want
them to eat their dinner instead of, you know, bypassing the meal because they've
got all these snacks during the day. Wait a minute, do the math. You get to choose
and control what you provide and when you provide it. So, do you have to provide
all of these snacks during the night? No you don't. And oftentimes, what I've seen
with picky eaters, is that they're not hungry when lunchtime comes around.
Why? Because they've been eating stuff all morning. What if they were a little
more hungry at lunch? Do you think they'd be a little less picky about what you
choose to provide? And honestly, you are a benevolent, loving parent. And you're
going to provide them with all kinds of great food that has high nutritional
value or at least some approximation of that, right? So, what if they're more
hungry when you provide this meal to them are they more likely to eat it, to
be a less picky eater. Now, along those same lines, you get to control access.
We've talked about that a little bit with the snacks but do they have access
to those snacks that they might prefer over the meal or is that something that
you can control as well? How, when, what criteria need to be met in order for
them to access that. So, maybe you want to make it available to them and it's
contingent on whatever it is you decide they need to do to qualify for the
access. Classic example is, you may have this dessert when you've finished your
broccoli, right? And I would phrase it in a positive way, too. It's not, "well, if you
don't your broccoli, you don't get to have
dessert." Listen to all those negatives in there. That's not fun.
You can have some dessert, when you've finished your broccoli. See, that's all
positive. What you're doing is controlling the terms under which they
get to have access to the food that they might prefer. Now, probably the most
important part of this whole thing is how you, as a parent, get to control your
own mood and the tone of this interaction in the first place. I think
all too often we get into that desperate, "Oh my gosh, I have to change something
about this mode" And our kids pick up on that. It's like their little
emotional mirrors and if we're having a tough day, they're bouncing off the walls,
right? So, you want to approach this whole topic of picky eating from a very solid,
smooth, calm, emotional tone. So, that it's all business for you. There's no drama.
There's no desperation. There's no demand that they changed their behavior. It's
simply business and you're smiling. Mom is smiling, kids are thinking. That's a
good rule of thumb. You get yourself into a nice, calm ,emotional state. Well, how you
going to do that? I know, that's probably another video. But keep watching, so that
we can get some collaboration going. If you guys have some questions about this
topic or if you've got some other things you've tried that have worked well with
the picky eaters, let's get a conversation going down in the
discussion or in the comments below. And I'm going to interact with you there, too. So,
let's give that a try. I got to tell you, I am personally honored to be on your
positive parenting team. Thanks for being here with me today. I'll see you tomorrow.