Dan: (sigh) This is gonna be a disaster....
Phil (in the background): It's going to be funny!
Dan: What? For Who? For me?
Phil: Well, no...
Dan: (snorts, laughs) Go away!
Hello Internet!
So there is something
that many of you, my dear audience
have been asking me to do... quite a lot!
since a certain rat called Phil did it over on his channel
Phil: (in background) I'm still listening...
(Dan)Fuck OFF, Okay? (save the children of their eyes)
Phil: Excuse you!
Dan: (snorts, laughs again)
That's right, can't watch this video on restricted mode now.
JK, my... whole channel is hidden.
Which is understandable, because I swear quite a lot...
(mysterious, magical 'tada' noise) Online quizzes!
We all know them, we all do them when we should be doing work.
They can tell you everything, from your sexuality,
to which gender bended Walking Dead fursona you are.
(awkward silence, crickets chirping)
So of course you guys
being such a creative and... supportive audience
there are lots of quizzes out there on the internet...
themed around me...
I didn't ask for this.
Now you may think this'd be funny, like,
"how well do I know myself, according to these quiz results?"
but what I'm genuinely terrified of right now
is learning what you actually think of me.
'Cause, you see, there's the version of ourselves
that the world actually sees and thinks of,
and then there is the versions of ourselves
that we fantasize about being in our heads.
For me that's like
(Dan attempts to act "cool") Hello, Daniel here.
Don't I look cool, and mysterious
in all this black I'm wearing?
Not just depressing...
Oh! What am I reading on my phone?
Just a thesaurus I use to extend my vocabulary!
I know a lotta long words,
and trust me, that's not all that's lo-- (cuts off)
WHOA-HO! Let's pause that right there...
But in reality, I know I'm more like:
WHY AM I ALIVE
So as well as this being a way for me to celebrate
your support as a community of people watching my videos,
This might be a- a rude awakening for
what the world actually sees me like.
Alright! Let's jump down the hole...
and break our legs.
-alright, so I think we should start with a generic one about my whole life,
so, "What Percentage Dan Howell are You?: how much Howell is in your soul?"
See, already, that's gotten off to a bad start, because there can't be any Howell in your soul.
I don't have one.
Let's play...
OH! Jesus, I'm being attacked by a Pepe straight off the bat.
..Right.
"How"- pfft.
"How do you like your memes?"
I was really worried that was going to be, like, "how random are your llamas?"
so, this could be worse.
I feel like dank is the cool answer, but I'm always slightly outdated, so
I'm gonna go for Dank AF. Throw in a little bit of cringe there.
"Cry or craft?" Hah hah hah, oh - nice- nice reference, there
Sorry about all the people that were scared after the Dan and Phil Crafts video.
(introspective music)
I'm gonna go with cry, definitely more of a crier.
Ohhhhh, okay- okay, they did find a way to make me cringe a bit.
"Favourite kind of end screen dance: suggestive, alluring, sexy,
the robot, OR, the Cha Cha Slide,
(sliiide to the left!) (claps)
Well, the sexy end screen dance is dead, uh
the robot is appealing, which is because I don't have any emotions like a robot.
-I'm gonna go with suggestive,
Which is what all of my humor is, "accidentally".
"You were 100% Dan Howell!" (claps) Yes!
I know myself.
Back off, gettin' on my... territory- what am I doing?
"In fact, aren't you just Dan? No one else could've scored so well unless they were the real thing."
Ha ha haa!
Are they watching me through the web cam right now?
Okay, I feel like that was quite a good start,
It wasn't toooo... harrowing in any way,
Let's go deeper!
Can you guess the Dan Howell video from a single pixel?
Are you fucking kidding me?
"No pressure, but if you don't get 100% you're a fake fan."
"Is that blooper from PINOF 7, PINOF 4 or PINOF-"
Oh, oh, it's, it's-
It's just, a- like....
I mean, that's quite a few pixels-
*deep breath* I'm gonna go with PINOF 7.
WRONG.
It's technically the same, but- how could you te- ??
Oh, whatever.
(sigh) are they fucking seri- number two!
What Dan and Phil video is this one from?
I'm, I'm gonna go with, uh... Dan Reacts To His Old Videos.
(laughing) Obviously!
Ya know, check- it's, it's, it's, that- that bedsquare.
Right there.
Whatever, uh, typos have ruined my- *scoffs*
I don't care. Uh, this one, it's from Get Ready With Dan, yup, th-
Ooh. That happened. Cheeky nip.
I got three.
Well that was shit.
are you fucking-
"Is this Dan Howell or a Hobbit?Can you tell the difference? 'Cause we sure can't!"
Okay, okay, well, HA, quizmaker, cyberbullying me for my...
...insecurity about my hair.
Look what Danny's embraced now!
Look, okay, for years, you were like,
DAN! DAN! you look like a Hobbit, why don't you wear your hair curly, it's okay, wh-
When I had my longer hair, when it got curly, there was no style,
I just looked like a frickin bush.
I looked like Frodo, that had been kind of, like-
hit with a hammer by an orc, and his head caved in.
That is a Hobbit, okay.
There- there we go, is, is this, oh, oh, very funny, okay.
There we go. That's, that's a- Oh, I do actually look
that, that's a, oh I DO ACTUALLY LOOK EXACTLY
EXACTLY the same as all of these freaking Hob-
THE SAME AS ALL OF THESE FREAKING HOBB-- this
This- that one does rank in top ten most cringe selfies of my whole life.
I'm- I'm glad to share that with several million people.
THANK YOU for that, what a creative way to mock me.
Okay, let's leave this website.
BUZZFEED! Yes! Time for some epic content!
This, this is tagged under "QUIZ" and "YASSS".
"Are You More Like Dan or Phil?"
Let's bring in a Phil one, here.
"Left or right?" Well, I'm left handed.
"Early bird or night owl?"
We're BOTH night owls, so, so, I don't know if this is like a trick question or something.
I can assure you that neither of us wake up before midday.
Oh, here we go. Lions or llamas?
*with the face of pure pain* I love my branding!
Socks or not?
Phil wears a lot of socks, but they're odd. (laughs) Like him, am I right?
Still listening, you bitch?
I'm gonna go with not, 'cause like, I sometimes film videos not wearing any socks.
I'm literally not wearing any pants right now.
Get ready for this. Oh, oh, OH, yep, oooooh, that just graphically changed your opinion of this video, didn't it?
Whoop! You got: Dan! Yes! That would be really weird if I got Phil.
Oh, God, no, they've described me. Oh, this is my worst fear.
"You're more like Dan than Phil. You like browsing the Internet for hours... in a certain position
many hours into the night. You approach anything with sarcasm and sardonic humor-"
Good use of "sardonic"!
"You may've had an obsession with placenta when you-"
Don't, don't- no, no... (groans)
You don't really like people and you could probably do without going outside ever except for your need of food.
Awwww, I- I guess that could be worse.
This has been fairly vanilla, I'm surprised that I haven't found anything weirder yet,
so I'm gonna go onto another website that's more like, community written, to get into some darkness. *laughs*
Oh Sweet Jesus.
No, no, no no no no no
I can't do this. I'm gonna do it.
Would Dan Howell date you?
Wow. This is gonna make a LOT of reaching assumptions about my personality and what I like.
This is from Mia from Neverland, well, thank you, even if I disagree-
What the- ?? ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN THOUSAND PEOPLE HAVE TAKEN THIS QUIZ?
I don't know what to say.
That's like, more people than are probably gonna thumb up this video.
Whatever, let's do it.
*reading* Hey guys! This is gonna be like another roleplaying quiz
There's others?
Oh, right, so, this is like imagining you're roleplaying on a date with me.
Christ.
*reading* Alright, here he comes! Dan: Hey babe! *laughs*
*screams*
In what universe would I say
Hey babe.
Then what would my reaction to that be?
Stab.
*reading* OMFG it's Dan! He's so perf! Dan, can I kidnap you and take you home please you can sleep in my bed with me wink face
I'm calling the police. I'm actually calling the police right now.
*reading* Hello Dan, nice meeting you.
If anyone said either of those things, it would be the fastest restraining order ever filed.
I'm just keep-
*reading* Then Dan says, "Time for questions."
Cause, you know, every good date starts with some interrogation.
*reading* Do you like llamas?
Okay, to be fair, this was written in 2013. Some of this was still fresh.
What do I say back? "Of course! They're awesome!"
"Llama drama!"
*distressed* I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it through this video.
*reading* "So, do you know when my birthday is?"
This roleplay Dan sounds like a dick.
*harshly* D'you know when my birthday is?
It's as if I'm presuming I'm gonna get a gift.
*reading* Who doesn't know? I love you like so much get in my car NOW.
I'm- I'm just gonna stop reading these options. They're gonna make me just have nightmares.
*reading* Dan: Well, it was nice talking to you, wanna hang out so-
What? Is that the date?
I give you a quiz about myself and then say leave.
This is a shit date.
*reading* Dan would SOOO date you.
Cool, dan-cest is on the cards, guys.
That's a tumblr tag I'm not gonna search for.
WELL I'm gonna have to...take some really hard drugs to forget doing that!
Uhhh, okay. One more, uh, this is one that Phil sent me.
He said that he did it in his, so I should do this one too.
It's by Sophie- Which Phan body part are you?
Honestly, I'm learning so much about you as an audience.
*reading text onscreen* Hey guys! So you're either a part of the phandom, or you're completely lost.
God help those poor souls who end up on this page that have no idea who we are.
God help all of you to be honest. And me, we all need Jesus.
*continues reading text onscreen* Only the select few can be Phil's glabella.
Is that a challenge?
Uh, let's see. *continues reading text onscreen* In order to discover this, I must first ask a question few are brave to ask..what is your favorite colour?
I'm scared.
*reading* Black like my soul! Boom!
*reading* So what's your favorite type of music?
*reading* MCR forever! Single tear rolls down cheek as intro to WTTBP plays.
I mean, 14 year old Dan will always be a part of my heart deep inside.
*reading* I know this is a horrific question-
Try me, I've been through a lot today.
*reading* -but if you had to choose, would you pick Dan or Phil?
I mean, what happens...here...if I pick Dan does Phil die? If I pick Phil do I cease to exist?
I would refuse to choose. There we go. That's the slack answer that I guess 90% of people did.
*reading* Which is your favorite Dan video?
*with pain* Hello Internet!
I'm gonna go with Internet Support Group because I, you know, I still make those to this day and I feel like it's quite reflective of me.
*reading* And of these videos, which is your favorite Phil one?
Oh, shit, here we go.
Dan's inner trash can is about to be revealed.
Why I was a weird kid. They're just so damn relatable, I'm sure you agree.
*reading* And, finally, how much do you love Dan and Phil?
This is a very weird experience for me.
*reading* OMFG you literally cannot comprehend how much seriously phangirl for life.
*record scratch* If I cringe any more... I think my neck will just snap off, and a fountain of blood will just erupt into the camera.
*reading* My life would suck without them.
I mean, I guess I agree it would, my life wouldn't exist at all-
*reading* Who dafuq are they? I mean, sometimes, I ponder, who are Dan and Phil?
*reading* I have cat whiskers tattooed on my face. Thank God we haven't- no one do that. Please. Please. PLEASE
I'm gonna go with my life would suck without them, I think that's very valid.
Oh my God. *laughs*
I got Phil's glabella!
*reading* Yeah, you're that sexy bit of skin between Phil's eyebrows.
I'm so uncomfortable right now.
I'm quite curious what the other results for this one are, um.
I'm not sure I want to know, but let's just see.
Okay, Dan's hair!
*reading text onscreen* So you went through an awkward emo phase once and tbh you're still not 100% out of it.
I mean, you're dragging me, but it's all true.
Dan's nose. Okay, with the whiskers there.
*reading* Naturally pessimistic, but that's okay.
Exac- that's the message I try to spread in these videos.
This is getting too much, I need to get out of here, um.
*dramatic music*
My fucking crotch! I- I can't.
I'm sorry I- *laughs*
I can't do this anymore. I'm gon- I'm at that point that I've been at so many times on this channel...
...where I'm laughing but I think *laughs* I'm on the verge of tears.
This video was a mistake. I'm never listening to your recommendations ever again.
And, honestly, I blame Phil completely.
Oh, whatever, let's read it, right-
*reading* You are the party animal who loves to have a bit of fun.
You've had plenty of embarassing moments
which you're happy to share for the sake of making people laugh.
*laughs* That's what's happening right now.
*reading* your life is a roller coaster-
I mean, what is this, is that like the up and downs of my crotch thrusting into something? I mean, what're they trying to say here?
Well, I'm declaring that the end of this little roller coaster.
*weird sound effect* Okay, let's- let's reflect on this, um, for real. Don't take me the wrong way,
I do love and appreciate every single one of these, no matter what the quizzes are,
the fact that anyone out there thinks I'm interesting enough on any level
to make a quiz about me is a true compliment.
I appreciate you.
Mostly.
Um, I'm going to go and have a long and hard- *laughs*
can't say that after the start of this video with that joke I made.
-THINK about myself and my place in the world, and with any luck, I will see you again.
*dramatic sound effect*
If you want to see if I ever come back, then ring the bell to get notifications by clicking that little symbol.
And, also, I've started posting little photos and texts on this new "community" tab,
which is fun, so there's now an extra good thing to do.
You can click subscribe or over here to check out the videos that're still ongoing where I do live q&a hangouts
on my side channel so you can see my crisis unfold in real time.
And, yeah. Pray for me. Goodbye.