[fanciful rendition of Ode to Joy on trumpet - Beethoven would be proud]
Hey — guys — so — I really — love
Jump! — cuts — and I — am — quite —
the — jump — cut queen.
At least that is what Jeff would have us believe.
- Abadah! — ah! — ughe!
So, my last video, which trended in the UK, by the way,
and like a few thousand people found my channel through it
welcome if you're brand new.
I said in my last video that
there was a guy who made a video about me using jump cuts
about like three years ago
and I thought I'd just...
I thought I'd elaborate on that story a little bit.
Now, again, as I said in my video about Kelly,
this video is not intended to spread hate. If anything...
I was watching some of this guy's videos,
and you know what, he is a top guy.
I've got no issues with this guy at all.
Let's all be positive. Let's not be shit.
I'm a big enough piece of shit for all of us, okay.
I'm a piece of shit so you don't have to be.
So, back in like 2013/2014
with my sort of cringy, bullshit videos that I used to make
In fact, I was still making them until like about a month ago.
So, I can't really talk.
The style of videos that I was doing, I used a lot of jump-cuts
Not too unlike the beginning of this video.
And Jeff,
good ol' Jeff,
Jeff took issue
with these jump-cuts.
He left a comment on one of my YouTube videos
and I went to his channel
and I found this video.
Fucking, poor Jeff,
26 thumbs up, 951 dislikes.
You guys are bastards.
Be nice to Jeff, alright? Anyway...
Let's um...
Let's take you through this video that Jeff made
Remember, this is like 3 years ago, alright.
So, things might've changed. Who knows. Let's find out.
Let's find out what Jeff has to say about my jump-cuts.
- Hello again. —
- Agh! Oh...Jeff...
you're already a little bit too close to the camera, friend.
You're just...like...
you're just a little bit...
you're just a little bit close for me.
Personally, you know?
Imagine talking to someone and you're this in their face
it just gets a little bit... it's a bit weird.
just don't... don't do it.
Just get a camera with a zoom function, man.
Or...or extend your arm, you know?
Do some...do some fucking yoga.
Get some stretching ability, alright?
- I'm gonna be talking about...
Fucking jump-cuts.
- "Fucking jump-cuts"
Fucking spawn of Satan.
You've got a real fuckin'...like...
Those are some fuckin' "come to bed" eyes if I ever saw any.
If a guy fuckin' turns up at 2 AM giving me that look
I'm fucking... I'm wide open. Jesus.
- Say hi, Buddha. - [meows]
EMMA: That's a cute kitty. - Oh wow. Alright.
Okay. Good boy.
Alright um... So — - [meows]
[silence]
Jeff, maybe that's why people use jump cuts.
I don't...I don't fucking know about you.
If WikiHow taught me anything,
it's that you're supposed to cut out the things you don't want.
If you have little moments of silence in your videos,
you're gonna fuckin' bore people.
- So, jump-cuts,
I've got nothing against them personally, but —
You made a whole fucking video about them, Jeff.
- Buddha. Settle down.
- Jeff! Jeff, come back!
Jeff! Oh there he is. Thank fuck.
- I do not un— ugh...
Buddha,
- Stop talking to your motherfucking cat!
- I mean, like, I'm in the middle of shooting,
don't-don't you understand that, don't you see this?
- Jeff, come back. Jeff, come back to us...
- Alright, so...um...
- Okay. I mean, this is...this is... [laughs]
this is nostril cam now.
[Impersonating Jeff] I just really ... really fuckin' hate ... fuckin' jump cuts
- People like er... Emma Blackery
Or Black... or whatever her fucking name is
- Excuse me. To be fair that's not the worst misspelling of my surname
I've had it all man:
Blackery, Blacker, Blocker, Bloccoli, Broccoli
Actually I've never had "Broccoli", that was a lie
If anyone wants to start calling me Emma Broccoli, I'm not against it. I like broccoli a lot. Let's carry on
- She feels the need to jump cut every three fucking seconds in her fucking videos
- That's not true
Alright, I never did every three seconds, Jeff.
I at least made sure I had one sentence per cut in my worst days.
That is at least a good, like, seven or eight seconds, alright.
If you're gonna be a pissy-arsed bitch, be accurate
Alright, Jeff?
Jeff
- Her videos are like
Uh — eh — so — here — here I am — and then I was
Ernuhwuh — erbaduh — wuh — uh
She's just like all over
- To be fair... that's actually probably better than most of my content from 2014
- Why do you have to jump cut? Now you can jump...
- 'Cause otherwise I end up with videos like this, Jeff
Where you're just having a conversation with your fucking cat
"You know I fucking hate jump cuts, man. Why can't people just...
Why can't people just talk to a camera, like...
No, cat... no.
I'm trying to film a video
Cat ... I'm tryin' ...
Buddha ... Buddha ..."
- This shit fuckin' annoys me and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I mean...
- That's your ear
I didn't need that dynamic zoom into your ear, Jeff
Sxephil - he's another fucking example
Woah... ey... now you leave Phil DeFranco alone, alright?
He's bigger than me, so I'm gonna kiss his butt.
- Instead of being, like, "Hey nation", he's like...
- What's going on with your face?
- ... "Hey — na — tion"
- No he's not!
- I mean, you know, that was a bad example, but, I mean, you know...
- [laughs]
It was bad example, to be fair Jeff. I don't think you've come up with a good one yet.
[loud coughing]
Jeff! You're not the only person who's had to cough during a video, Jeff
I'm not taking the piss out of you for coughing
Maybe you had a chest infection. Maybe you're a smoker. I don't know.
But everyone else cuts that shit out.
"I dunno man... I just... I hate fucking jump cuts, you know. I've got something really important to say
And I really wanna hit my point home about fucking jump cuts ...
[coughing]
[continues coughing]
[sound of Emma hitting the floor]
[coughing continues at increasing intervals as she gasps for breath]
... those fucking jump cuts, man."
- I'm trying to comprehend and grasp onto the concept of jump cutting all over the fucking pl...
- There's not much to grasp, I'll be completely honest with you, buddy.
We're just cutting out the boring bits. Which, I mean, you could probably try and do.
It's really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
When you need to cough, or just have a chat with your cat, just cut that shit out.
Sorry, am I fucking... am I missing something? Have I had a brain hemorrhage?
- Don't understand why everybody ...
jump cuts, I mean... - [laughs]
- I don't have a pause button
on the fucking camera, because AT&T won't update me to Jellybean, yes I ...
- Alright
Jeff, you've clearly got some other grievances here. I hope at this point in time, AT&T updated you to Jellybean, at least.
I hope you're at least on Jellybean now, three years on.
AT&T, you piece of shit, update Jeff, if you haven't already done so.
This is your... this is a fucking reminder. Be nice to Jeff.
I think we should start a campaign, #UpdateJeff, you know.
I fully support Jeff in his updating endeavours.
- It needs to fucking stop, people, I mean ...
- No it doesn't, Jeff. It doesn't have to stop because you don't like it.
I don't necessarily like that your nostrils are taking up 70% of the screen, but I'm not going to tell you to stop it.
I mean, I did kind of tell you to zoom out a little bit.
But if you want to continue making your nasal passages the main focus of your video, you've every fucking right to do so.
And I have every right to jump cut like a fucking idiot.
- Do it every now and then, or ... - Why does he keep showing his ear?
- ... whole fucking video a jump cut, I mean ...
- Jeff, chill. Jeff ... Jeff.
- Don't make the whole fucking video a jump cut. I mean...
That's lame
[he coughs]
- [high pitched laughing]
Please tell me this video is satirical.
Did you just... did you just talk about not jump cutting and give a perfect example of when to jump cut?
- I'm at a loss for fucking words. I can't even find the fucking words, you know. It's ...
- Er... Jeff. You've done like 4 minutes and 54 seconds of words so far. You've pretty much nailed it.
Apart from the moments when you were talking to your cat, and coughing, so actually it's about 1 minute 54.
- I think I'm gonna end this now.
Later.
[silence]
Ha ha ... oh, oh Jeff.
He couldn't even, like, edit the end of the video.
Alright, that was a journey.
Jeff, you do raise some valid points, to be fair.
I don't like it when people do insanely quick jump cuts. I don't think it's necessary.
But, ultimately, it's their fucking choice.
I feel like we should see what Jeff is up to these days, 'cause it's been like three years, maybe he's changed
or evolved, and grown, I don't know. Maybe he's dead. I hope not.
I really hope Jeff's not dead. I won't put this video out if he's dead.
Ok, his latest video is called "Cleaning Time With Jeff!" ... "Episode 4, Part B+"!
Jeff is absolutely my new favourite meme of all time.
Let's check out "Cleaning Time With Jeff!"
- I figured I would do a "cleaning" video! I've never done one of these before!
No-one's done them, Jeff, and there's probably a good reason for it.
- Should be ... interesting. Very interesting.
- Er.. probably not... if I'm completely honest, Jeff
You look like you've lost weight. Good for you! Genuinely, man. You look healthy.
It looks like AT&T hooked you up, my boy. You're welcome.
They saw the first half of this video and thought, "Well, shit, if this jump-cutting piece of shit thinks we should update Jeff, we should probably update Jeff".
Windex! Yes, my boy.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! No, that's...
That's... that got a bit fucking mean.
[Jeff makes sound effect noises as he moves the camera]
I've never seen anyone get so excited over bleach before.
In order to do that, he would've
put the bleach down
grabbed his phone, that he's filming on, and gone
[she does sound effects] sheeeeww... juhjuhjuhjuhjuhjuh
juhjuhjuhjuhjuhjuh
[plastic bottle falling to the floor]
- [macho voice] Start some cleaning!
- Grrrrrrrrrrr
- [beatbox noises]
- Jeff!
[suspenseful background music]
Fuck! Jeff, that was a jump...
Jeff! Jeff, fuck are you alright? Jeff!
Fuck, Jeff just did a jump cut!
Ah shit... Jeff.
Are you ok? Who got to you, man?
Who made you sell your soul? Did you get kidnapped? Fuck! Are you kidnapped?
Jeff, next video, put a fucking jump cut in, so we know if you've been kidnapped, alright?
#SaveJeff. Fuck.
We did it, guys.
We had an effect on Jeff. We've convinced Jeff
that this is the way forward. Admittedly, it took him 55 seconds to get to that jump cut.
But, Jeff, I believe in you. You can work on that. We can cut that. We can cut that down, alright.
You'll be like me. You'll be like Phil DeFranco. You'll be like iJustine, 'kay?
You'll be fucking YouTube fay-moose. Alright?
Just follow me and WikiHow.
I will lead you on the path to salvation. Me and my beautiful cape.
Guys, thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed this video.
Again, actually, Jeff, you know what? I've got no issue with you. You genuinely seem like a really decent happy dude.
I've got no issue. Really. So anyone who sends bullshit to Jeff... I'm standing up for Jeff, alright?
And actually you know what, this whole "Cleaning Time With Jeff", fuck it, no one else is doing it.
We've already got these "What's In My Bag" tags and "Get Ready With Me" and these weird fucking McBang videos.
Have you heard of that, by the way? People just sit and eat, and people watch them eat. It's fucking weird.
Anyway, we've got all that shit. Why not cleaning with Jeff? You know what...?
I'm genuinely gonna subscribe to Jeff.
I genuinely wanna watch more of that.
Jeff, if you are watching this - I doubt you are, but if you are - this video was not made to be mean.
But I hope you guys enjoyed this video. If you did then feel free to hit the thumbs up button - it doesn't actually help out much at all.
But I very much hope you guys did enjoy this video and until the next one I shall catch you later.
[fart noise]