Transcriber: Ly Huong Reviewer: Annet Johnson
The biggest problem with communicating is that you feel you have,
but maybe you haven’t.
I’m going to be a little bold right now
and say, “Maybe you haven’t really communicated at all.”
Perhaps you thought something, but you didn’t verbally communicate it.
Or perhaps you communicated through a nod, a wink, a roll of the eyes,
and actually miscommunicated your message.
To truly be the change,
we need to hack our communication and understand how we’re being perceived.
Confused?
Good.
So are most of the people we communicate to,
ourselves included.
Sometimes we tell ourselves all these different stories
and we start to become a bit confused.
We think about things like, he said and she said and they said.
And, you know, we all become confused.
But the good news is,
today, I’m going to drop the secret of “the power of three”
to help take away that miscommunication
and to actually help with conscious communication.
Because I truly believe that when you change your language,
you can change your life and the lives of those that you communicate to.
So how are we going to do this today is,
I’m going to hack a conversation that my husband John and I recently had.
For context, my husband quite often drives me to the airport or picks me up
or takes me to a conference or an event.
This day we’re on our way to a corporate
and I was going to have a little bit of a chat around body language.
So we spent a lot of the time in the car.
You know, we’ll sing, we’ll chat, we’ll catch up on things.
I don’t know about you, but we have a good time in the car, right?
Now, hang on, I see a few of you
(Laughs)
might be more that backseat driver and have a bit more fun, you know,
like, “Look out darling, there’s lights up ahead”
or “Watch out for the cow over there in the paddock”
or “There’s a roundabout indicator!”
You know, it may not be as much fun, or more perhaps.
But this day John and I were in the car and I said to him, “Do you mind?
I’ve got to get some emails done.”
So he gave me a nod.
You know, we were consciously communicating.
I whipped out my phone and started work.
All good, right?
So we’re driving down a three-lane highway
and we’re in the middle lane with a lane on each side.
As we’re driving and I’m working on my emails,
I see my husband’s head start to turn.
You know, we’ve all got peripheral vision.
So I quickly leant back so he could change lanes.
All good again, right?
Wrong.
Next minute there was this heat down my arm.
John can get some pretty hot heat when he’s getting angry.
I looked at him and I said, “What’s wrong?”
This is what he said -
Remember, he’s driving.
“You don’t have to stiffen up and tense up when I’m driving.
There’s nothing wrong with my driving.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but we’ve been married for 30 years
so maybe I’ve tensed up once or twice when he’s gone up.
got us in roundabouts.
And he has backed into every car we’ve ever owned,
even the kids’ cars.
So I’ve probably tensed up a few times.
But this time he was in the right;
I was tensing up and I shouldn’t be tensing up.
Now, I don’t particularly like being yelled at for something I didn’t do.
So I looked at my husband
and I said, “Sorry, I just leant back so you could change lanes.”
And this is what he said,
“Sorry.”
And that was the end of the conversation.
Have you ever been yelled at for something that you haven’t done?
And I’d love to know: “How did that make you feel?”
You see, husbands and wives and partners,
they can fight for days because of the raise of an eyebrow at the wrong time.
So I had the right to be really mad at him
for yelling at me for something I didn’t do, didn’t I?
Or did I?
You see, most of us react in a split second.
So we react before we even speak.
So right now, John had the right to be angry at me
because he was in the right.
Well, that’s a whole other TED talk.
(Chuckles)
He felt he was in the right at this stage, because I had tensed up.
Had I been able to use my language with my actions at the same time
and I’d said to him, “Would you like to change lanes?”
none of this silent miscommunication, anger, would ever have happened.
You see, it’s interesting, isn’t it?
Because in my split second,
I made up a story for John that he needed to change lanes.
And in his split second,
he made up a story for me that I was tensing up.
I wonder, have you ever made up a story for someone?
Have you ever seen someone looking angry or frustrated or tired
and perhaps you made up a story for them?
Or maybe even for yourself at times?
Or maybe it even happened today?
Can I see a show of hands,
if you’ve ever made up a story for someone without asking them what was wrong?
Yes, we all have.
We’re all human.
You know, we have thousands of thoughts that go through our head every day.
And these are the thoughts that, you know, drive our behaviors,
drive our assumptions, and even drive our values.
And even drive all of us crazy at times.
So to be the change, we need to really learn to start to consciously communicate.
People spend a lot of time trying to read other people’s body language,
but it’s very subjective.
I’ve been studying this for a quarter of a century.
And what I’ve discovered is the most important thing
is for you to understand what your body language is saying
and how it’s being perceived and received in the conversation.
You know, I can’t even control 10% of how you’re going to feel
about this conversation today.
But I can control 100% of my actions
and how I respond to the situation.
You know, it was very funny how we both made up stories for each other
and we were both wrong, but we didn’t really know it at the time.
And my very simple movement of just leaning back
turned a peaceful moment into a war zone,
and I didn’t even know that was going to happen.
And, you know, even some of our greatest leaders in the world
constantly and consistently miscommunicate between their words and their actions.
(Video)
“Start working on not touching your face, because ...”
“We’re always saying the common sense of washing your hands,
not touching your face.”
So you’ve seen,
it’s quite a hard thing to control this split-second reaction
when we’re not conscious in our communication.
And I say, instead of telling people what not to do,
we need to tell them what to do.
So if I said to you all right now, “Don’t think of a purple tomato.
No, no, don’t think of it.”
You’re all thinking of a purple tomato.
And I understood, when I reflected in the car,
that the miscommunication actually started with me
when I didn’t use my words with my actions.
And just imagine how many times a day this happens to everybody.
So what I actually did was, then I penned this quote here,
“What you believe doesn’t make you a better person;
the way you behave does.”
You see, what we believe isn’t always right;
I believed John needed to change lanes and he believed I was tensing up,
but the way we behave does.
When I quickly reflected and consciously communicated my actions to John,
I was able to apologize
and then he was able to apologize to me too.
What are we going to do about this?
Are we going to spend the rest of our lives hacking conversations
and communication to take a bad situation away and to make something else better?
It’s a lot of work being a conscious leader.
It’s a lot of work
understanding that you can react in a split second before you speak.
Is it more fun to yell and scream at everybody
to prove you’re right and they must be wrong?
But at what cost ...
to your health?
And at what cost to your relationships?
I even know people that will cut off a family member,
that will cut off a job, that will cut off a friend,
because they must be right.
That other person must be wrong.
I remember a 60-year-old man.
He was in tears with me one day
and he said, “I wish I knew this when I was 21.”
I think whether you’re hearing it when you’re nine or when you’re 70,
that we can still be the change
by consciously starting to be more present in our communication,
that we can communicate at that little bit of a higher level,
a more conscious level.
Because I truly believe the number one skill most needed on the planet today
is conscious communication.
And, in 2017, I created the Conscious Connection Framework.
And this is going to be our secret hack today,
the three things that we’ve all been given.
The first thing is our body language,
understanding that we react in that split second.
This creates our domino effect in our conversations and in our life
and in work.
Our body speaks so loudly without saying a word,
and yet, it can miscommunicate so easily, if we’re not mindful.
So the second thing is being mindful:
being mindful of yourself,
being mindful of the person you’re talking to,
being mindful of the context in which you’re speaking.
And the third thing that I would love you to invest some time in
is understanding behaviors.
Understanding your raw behavior when you’re under pressure,
how you're going to react.
And once we start to understand this,
we can start to connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere,
for win-win results.
These are the three tools we’ve all been given:
our body, our mind, and our natural behaviors.
And once we start to understand this
and put it together, we create a level playing field
where we can connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere.
And I truly believe that, you know, in this world that we live in today,
that using these three powerful tools we’ve all been given
will make a big difference.
And I believe today that, you know,
when you stop and when you talk to somebody and put that smile on your face,
it makes a difference.
So I’m going to ask you right now just to turn to one person.
Just one person.
I want you to say, “I’m glad you’re here today.“
Go.
(Audience talking)
All right, come back to me.
Come back to me.
Fantastic.
And you know what?
You said that with a smile.
And when you smile, it is the best you will ever look.
So, boy, do I have a good-looking crowd here today.
So in this world that we're in, you can be the change.
You can be the change by consciously communicating
and being aware of your body language,
practicing being mindful,
and understanding behaviors to create that level playing field
where you understand your domino effect.
You can have more win-wins in your life with your family, with your friends.
Wouldn’t that be great?
Just imagine reducing miscommunication by 10% or 20% or even 30%.
I truly believe that your presence in the present moment matters.
What if we all reflected just a little bit more
and learned to consciously communicate?
Thank you.
(Applause)