- People in your life are reflecting back
to you your own level of emotional either availability
or emotional tolerability.
And in this video, I'm gonna show you
how to break out of the box
of attracting only emotionally unavailable people,
maybe people that wanna manipulate your energy.
And what I share with you in this video
will completely transform your ability
to not only experience more emotionally available people,
but also open up yourself to a completely new level
of depth, connection, and respect.
Here's an idea that I learned a couple days ago
that has completely changed my perspective
on understanding all relationships.
And that is we attract people into our lives
that are expressing the emotion that we are repressing.
Let me say that again.
So the emotions we've repressed in our bodies,
the emotions we've repressed
and not allowed ourselves to feel.
We attract people into our lives that are expressing that
in some form.
And this is something that's interesting
because I just got done doing a whole entire week
of plant medicine ceremonies in Costa Rica.
I do it two or three times a year.
It's like these retreats where we bring
in these plant medicine, people and stuff like that.
And anyways, we do these plant medicines like Ayahuasca
and San Pedro that just bring out this emotion.
And one of the things and challenges
in my own life has been becoming emotionally available.
Because what I've realized is
either I would attract emotionally unavailable people
that weren't able to really choose me mainly by the way,
because I wasn't choosing myself.
This is the tricky thing of this whole thing, by the way.
But what I realized is I was with some friends
and my group of friends that I do these retreats with.
And I realized that my best friend, Victor
is extraordinarily emotionally expressive.
My friend, Matt is also extraordinarily expressive.
My girlfriend, Heather
is extraordinarily emotionally expressive.
And it's interesting because I think we attract people
into our lives to reflect back to us energy
that maybe we can learn.
So there's actually something to learn
from the emotionally unavailable people
that we may have in our lives.
And this was hard for me to look at at first,
because back in the day my story was that
I was actually, honestly, if I being honest with myself,
I was more so emotionally needy
than I was emotionally secure.
So in a way I was desiring
and wanting the validation of people in my life.
And I find myself losing my own sense of frame
and feeling kind of codependent based on theirs.
But what I realized is my story was,
well they just aren't doing the work.
They're not emotionally available.
And that was my story.
And it was always a story about other people.
It was never about myself.
That was another disempowering part of it.
One of the things I had to wake up to though
is that the reason I was attracting emotionally
unavailable people in my life is because one of two things,
either I was tolerating and I thought that I was only worthy
of having people that were emotionally available.
That was the first part. Think about it.
Someone that really is confident in their own frame,
knows their own sense of self worth.
They probably wouldn't tolerate
that of an emotionally unavailable person
that maybe wasn't choosing them.
But at the same time what I realized
is that was the first part of it.
The second part of it
is that I myself was emotionally unavailable.
The thing with this whole thing
and the interesting part of this is that if someone
is attracting emotionally unavailable people
into their life and tolerating it,
it's most likely because that's a projection
of some degree of emotional unavailability.
So it's about realizing
that some of the emotions growing up as children,
we have familiarized certain ways of relating.
And if you had a parent or parents
that were emotionally unavailable, you will probably think
that the only thing you are worthy of is another parent
or another person, a partner
that is also emotionally unavailable.
Because we familiarized it.
I was on my way home from Costa Rica yesterday on a flight.
And I was watching this documentary on this UFC fighter.
His last name is Bisping, Michael Bisping.
And he's like this amazing fighter.
He was a champion for a while,
and he has a pretty crazy story.
He actually got kicked so hard
that he lost the vision of one of his eyes.
Was told you're never gonna fight again.
You're never gonna be in like the a champion or anything.
For years he depressed and then he was told by one doctor
that maybe he can see.
And he had to like fake his way to being able to see.
And he won a championship out of only being able
to see on one eye, it was crazy.
But anyways, he was talking
about how growing up he went through a lot of trauma
with his mom and his dad.
And he remember the first time he went to his girlfriend's.
He met his girl girlfriend, who's now his wife.
And they just had this amazing love story.
And she was just super supportive of him.
And one of the first times he went
to dinner with her family.
He said it was so weird because he was waiting
for someone in her family to like,
just start throwing food at each other,
to start cursing at each other,
to start having this toxic dynamic.
But everyone just respected each other and ate.
And he felt like he didn't deserve his wife.
He felt like he wasn't worthy of it.
But what's interesting is sometimes what happens
is we familiarize certain emotions,
and certain energies and we expect it.
And if we don't get it
we then think there's something wrong.
I had a girlfriend when my first girlfriends in high school.
We were in a relation for a couple months.
And then she just eventually said to me,
she was like, "Aren't we supposed to be fighting
or something like that?
Aren't we supposed to be arguing?
Her perspective was she was literally bored,
because we weren't arguing.
Now, another part of that I can see is I wasn't really
I was 18, 17 or 18 years old.
I was into my masculine energy at that time for sure.
So I could see different aspects of that energy dynamic.
But at the same time, I can also see
that sometimes we feel like we need some type of resistance,
some type of emotional pain or something
for us to actually not be bored.
So the lesson of this, the reason I share this is
we have familiarized many times,
and maybe somewhat addicted to chaoticness,
because we had chaoticness growing up.
So it's like, we're looking for it on the outside.
And when we attract people that are emotionally unavailable
it's because there's a familiar energy dynamic that's there
that reminds us of when we were kids.
So the part of this video that's really important
to understand for it that I really open you up
is really getting to the core
of your own heart and realizing that the reason
you may be attracting emotionally unavailable people
is either you are tolerating it and you are allowing it
because you haven't realized your own sense of self worth,
your own sense of worthiness and confidence.
So you allow it and sometimes say, no
will then allow you to say yes to something else.
And it's like boundaries.
If you attract people into your life
that are always draining your energy
and like demanding a lot from you
and you have trouble saying no.
One of the reasons you may be attracting those people
into your life is so that you can finally learn to say no.
It's literally like a lesson
that's like, please say no to me,
please say no to me, please say no to me.
But it's so hard for you to say no
because you've always said yes
to like people growing up and stuff like that.
Like family members growing up
that were trying like manipulate your energy and stuff.
But when you finally say, no
you might have a little ripple of it.
But in general you start learning the lesson
and you don't have to keep repeating it.
So it could be that having emotionally unavailable people
in your life is an echo of a familiarized energy
in your life that when you say no to,
especially you're attracting people in your life
that might not be choosing you or valuing your friendship.
You'll change your own sense of gravity
and do whatever you need to do
to get like someone else's approval
or a friend to like, like you
but they would never do the same for you.
You ever had that in your life?
I know people in my own life that like,
they're telling me story, they're like,
I'm gonna do this for this person, this person, this person.
And I'm like, I can just feel
that they're overextending themselves.
And that's also a big ask.
It's like, someone's demanding
that they do all of these things.
I'm like, why do you have to do all that?
I don't know.
I was like would this person ever do anything like this
for you?
And I've had friends say not a chance
and I'm like, what are you doing?
Why are you losing your sense of gravity?
Your sense of frame to make someone else happy
when not that you need to do it conditionally,
I'll only do it for you if you do it for me.
But it's about knowing your own sense of self worth.
And one of the things that really allowed me
to start attracting emotionally available people in my life
is I had to become aware of my own frame, my own boundaries.
And I had to start saying no to people
that weren't choosing me.
I had to start choosing myself
and I had to start really like having a vision
for what I wanted in my life,
and really moving towards it and empowering way.
And the truth is that's what's blocking people,
and emotionally available people
from coming into your life
is you're either saying no to emotionally available people.
This is the tricky thing too.
Back in 2015, I think I dated this girl
that was very, I don't know if it was emotionally available
or maybe it was needy, I don't know.
But anyways, I remember thinking
to myself when I was dating her,
I will never make this girl my girlfriend.
And that was the truth.
And for a year we dated like on and off.
And it was this constant battle
because I wouldn't commit to her, make my girlfriend.
But yet we still had this like sexual connection.
It was very interesting.
But what I can look back and see now
is that the reason I outed her is like there's no way
was because it wasn't the cat and mouse game,
I guess I was used to playing
where I felt like I had to earn someone's love or trust.
So in a weird way, it was like, I was literally blocking it
from coming into my life.
Because it was such an unfamiliar emotion and energy to me.
So one of the things that I had to do though
to attract my girlfriend, Heather
is I had to start making the choice to open my heart.
And I know that sounds very cliche.
And it sounds like, well, how do you actually do that?
But literally what I had to do is I had to literally,
it's almost like a sensation of like opening your heart,
not judging other people but like realize that the opening
of the heart is saying yes to the unknown.
Because what you may know
is you may know emotional unavailability.
You may know people that aren't choosing you.
You may know people that manipulate your energy
where you don't, and it's hard for you to set boundaries.
That's what you may know and feel safe and comfortable with.
But the next level for you is saying yes,
is saying no to that and saying yes to something
that requires you to dig a little bit deeper,
to open up your own heart, to get vulnerable,
to express how you're feeling to someone else.
And as you do that, you will notice
that like your life takes on a whole new level of depth.
My life has completely exploded
even the last couple weeks after doing plant medicine again.
It's incredible how much my life has changed
because I've been more open,
and I've been opening up my heart,
and I've been like more expressive,
and just more willing to step into the unknown
of that emotional availability.
So it might be a hard thing to hear
but if you're attracting emotionally unavailable people
in your life,
it may be because there's either a level of degree
to where you tolerate emotionally unavailable people,
or more likely you are projecting
that someone is emotionally available
because deep down you may be emotionally available,
unavailable.
The key to this is opening up your own heart,
being inside your own body, checking in with yourself,
realizing when you're losing yourself,
when you're having trouble setting boundaries.
And as you do all this this really begins
to change your life in a powerful way.
And if you haven't heard or done any inner childhood work,
this is what will really transform your life
more than anything else.
We all have an inner childhood inside of us.
That from childhood feel like we either weren't heard,
weren't seen, weren't comforted,
didn't feel worthy or enough.
And when we heal and we tap into that inner child
it changes the ripple on every other thing in our life.
So if you haven't done that inner child meditation yet.
It's one of my most powerful meditations
that ever made, you can download it
by click the link below or go to erindoty.com/child.
And if you want a video that will help you
to completely cure this emotional unavailability,
it's the codependency cure right here
that will help you to completely transform your life
from the inside out.
In this episode, I'm gonna be showing you the cure
to codependency how to never be needy again.
I'm gonna share with you you also my journey
through this process,
what I've learned about the inner child,
how you can heal this process.