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okay so don't get mixed up no I don't
hate love love Island I hate the
violence so I don't love to hate love
Island I hate love Island does that make
sense
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[Music]
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love Island is a skin crawling reality
television show created and produced by
a bunch of lizards wearing human skin
over at the channel ITV in the UK the
show was cancelled in 2006 but it simply
refused to stay dead
so it's rotten insect infested zombified
corpse crawled its way back onto
television in 2015 and has refused to go
away ever since from I can figure out
the idea of the program is that a small
group of d-list celebrities that the
producers see is marketable such as
retired Olympic athletes or socialites
someone explain to me what socialite is
and why I should care about them please
who shoved into a gorgeous villa in
Europe somewhere and have to share beds
with each other in a long line like
total weirdos and do pathetic challenges
like emptying the dishwasher that I
guess in some universe is supposed to be
interesting the contestants are
constantly watched by 69 different
cameras haha and it gradually voted off
the winners of the show when 50 grand
but in my eyes you've already lost if
you've sunk in to the point necessary to
succeed 50 grand or all of my dignity 50
grand or all of my decency and respect
as a human hmm I'll take the 50 grand
please if you were to ask me before
making this video if I'd ever seen this
show before I would have responded with
how stupid do you think I am it's not
exactly highbrow or difficult to follow
entertainment every episode is almost
completely identical to the previous and
what actually happens in each episode is
about as eventful as this video of my
dog doing absolutely nothing I on
scratch that at least my dog is Q I
swear the people they find through this
show comes straight from a net scoop
from the nearest pond we're talking
about the thickest of the thick
lowest-common-denominator simpletons to
ever grace the planet some of them so so
brainless that they could probably do
with having subtitles everyone knows
that reality tell
vision is always tasteless and crass but
something about love Island really gets
to me more than the others at least was
some bollocks like I'm a celebrity get
me out of here the contestants are
forced to be somewhat uncomfortable and
the odd person it's a kangaroo testicle
tell me what is entertaining about a
bunch of supposed attractive people
hanging around talking working out lying
down sitting down and getting dressed I
already have to do all those things
every day
and it sucks when I have to do it and it
sucks having to watch other people do it
within seconds I figured out the three
pillars of what the show is made of one
hot people doing their hair and doing
normal hot people things two hot people
showing off their hot bodies and three
hot people arguing and talking about
shagging each other ie drama drama drama
drama it's all about the petty
meaningless drama oh that slug said he
would cheat on me
oh wow two of the subhumans kissed in
front of one of the other creatures who
was also interested in the same girl can
you believe it it's like being in
primary school all over again describing
it as trashy doesn't even begin to
scratch the surface of what it's like I
simply don't understand how this obscene
amount of pure time tens if not hundreds
of hours can be filled to the brim with
so much shimmering and yammering and yet
still be exactly the same at the end as
it was at the beginning it is a time
vacuum a Chinese takeaway that even
after hours of runtime leaves you
feeling empty and unsatisfied I got hold
of three random episodes of the show
which I somehow knew through an educated
guess would be more than enough to catch
the drift get it island drift let's move
on I recorded my first ever experience
with the show for all of you to see so
let's watch so this is season four
episode 9 let's see how this turns out
previously nope Edna not since he walked
into I know when you walked her and I
just thought she's absolutely stunning
boys with the zooming constant zooming
what is going on what is up with the
editing it is so mindlessly flashy that
it's giving me a seizure promise not to
look but what is with these shows in the
narrator screaming every line give it a
give it a rest this exhausting what is
wrong with her face she looks like a
carrot so basically every male is like a
model and every female looks like a
slightly melted Barbie doll effectively
it's boiling down humans into their most
feral basic form trapping them on an
island together and filming it for our
supposed entertainment with the hopes
that they're gonna start shagging each
other
Jesus had like a two-minute conversation
about why they should do their eyebrows
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well I was not expecting that like it
was so really valuable commentary from
this one
Oh
this show is so repugnant it encourages
this really gross cheating thing and
like making your partner jealous stuff
that's so popular at the moment it's
just horrible I just felt it like
desperate to me like pushing in that way
well the hello really tense
zooming that was absolutely abysmal and
nothing happened
45 minutes of my life I will never be
able to get back the whole episode was
built around this idea that the women
had to decide what what men they wanted
to to get with or whatever and then ends
an aside we'll do that next episode so
sorry okay this was completely pointless
um so apparently there's an Australian
version of Ireland as well so let's see
what that one is like in comparison to
the god-awful English one
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oh so completely identical then did you
do that like a horror movie
then the rater is Irish she's not even
Australian I'm gonna give this ten
minutes and if it's just as identical as
the English one then I'm gonna start
skimming through it because I just can't
waste my life doing this I'm sorry I
can't it is it is actually painful I
just think the new guy's a hot ass [ __ ]
that I want to jump his bones
am I being played here is this actually
some kind of brilliant satire
mockumentary that's just making fun of
vapid people like this I've given it
nearly eleven minutes and nothing's
changed so I'm just gonna skip through
it now I'm attracted to you and I'm so
attracted to personality
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and so it's the date we've all been
waiting for Wednesday the 13th of June
why you want which point is most likely
delay fibula with a girlfriend so from
what I saw of the Australian one that is
actually a little bit better than the
English one that the fellas actually
them they seem a bit more genuine and
manly over the fuckboys from the English
version and even the women that's
slightly more normal at the end of it
although they're all just shells of
humans pretending to interact as if
they're normal when they're actually
just weird overly produced models all
told to interact with each other and
pretend to have relationships it's quite
sick when you think about it from that
perspective actually but there is one
more facet of this show that apparently
exists which I'm going to try watching
in a similar fashion
I assume it's some kind of talk show
about love Island how much love Island
does one need in their life to feel
satisfied because that I mean the show
enough on its own is quite fulfilling
it's like eating a whole loaf of bread
and this is like having an on after
finishing that Lydon that doesn't really
work but the point is this is stupid and
unnecessary
I can't I can't I'm just skipping
through it
45 minutes where they've just gossip
about an episode of the show I feel like
a [ __ ] after watching all their I feel
like I've lost brain cells
I've lost brain capacity I've lost the
ability to think I'm frazzled I'm feel
like I've become one of the slightly
sizzled orange bits of muscley flesh
that all of the men are in this
abhorrent somewhat insulting show
watching love island is a bit like
watching porn for the story it's only
one or two steps away from being
explicit anyway so I say just take the
jump already and maybe that's what some
people like about it they can be
impartial judges who feel like they're
part of the primordial scantily-clad
drama but detached enough to the point
where they can feel good about
themselves for not being as airheaded or
stupid as the contestants I know there
is a portion of the millions of fans who
claim to watch ironically in the same
messed-up way you might be unable to
take your eyes off a car crash in motion
but be honest with yourselves deep down
you love it but for me I don't think
I've ever been more bored and I kind of
see it as the redheaded stepchild of the
entire United Kingdom yes we the UK
exports some wonderful stuff we try not
to mention these things though the great
thing about entertainment is that
there's so much potential to pose
questions teach and cover interesting
topics humans live to enrich each
other's lives with lessons stories and
fables but love Island doesn't inspire
any facet of creativity imagination
Wonder or mystery in fact it is quite
literally the opposite it inspires
simpletons to keep being simple it
reminds us of the only thing that
matters is how we look on the outside
and that as long as you're as hot as the
people on the show then you'll be able
to find a boyfriend or girlfriend and
that's all that matters at the end of
the day but what really goes through
your head when watching love Island
aside from core oh that's nice I cannot
believe what she's wearing oh my god the
ultimate irony is that the two words
that make up the title of love island
are both terrible descriptions of the
show obviously it's not about love it's
about validity playground drama and when
they say they're on an island in your
head you picture a remote isolated pile
of sand with a palm tree on it not on a
Dilek villa where
a bunch of troglodyte puppets waddle
around drinking cocktails and fondling
each other
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