Let's kick it off with a story everyone is talking about.
Game of Thrones.
Last night was the big series finale,
and I'm not gonna spoil anything--
(clears throat) Iron Man dies-- but let's just say,
some people are taking the ending hard.
TV REPORTER: It has been eight long,
and at times, very frustrating, seasons
for Game of Thrones fans, and now that the end has come,
you might need someone to talk to.
Yeah, Bark.com is offering therapy sessions for viewers
whether you need someone to complain to
about these plot holes some people have been talking about,
have trouble with the ending, or just need help
in the absence of your favorite show,
the site promises to find a professional for you.
Yes, that's right, a website is offering therapy,
therapy sessions for people upset
about the ending of Game of Thrones.
And let me just say, people, uh, if you need therapy
because a TV show ended, your life is too good, okay?
I'm just gonna tell you straight,
you don't need a therapist, you need some credit card debt,
and an STD, okay.
Take your mind right off that series finale.
(cheering and applause)
And I hope...
I also hope those therapy sessions are private, right,
because you're gonna look like a dick if you're in
a group therapy session and the person before you will be like,
"I got addicted to drugs after my wife left."
And you go like, "Okay, put a pin in that.
"I didn't like Jon Snow's story arc, okay?
I didn't like it."
In other news, it's the season finale of college,
and one graduation ceremony had a surprise ending
that most people actually enjoyed.
Billionaire Robert Smith surprised graduating seniors
at Morehouse college by telling them his family would wipe out
all their student debt.
That's an estimated $40 million for nearly 400 students.
And my family is making a grant
to eliminate their student loans.
(crowd cheering)
Wow!
He's gonna pay off 400 kids' student debt.
$40 million. That is really amazing.
Although, I will say, I do feel bad for that one kid
who worked his way through school
so that he wouldn't have loans.
Yeah, because you know he was at that ceremony like,
"You guys wasted all your time partying,
"but some of us scrubbed toilets for years to be debt-free.
And now, I'm gonna be-- Wait. What?"
(laughter)
Seriously, it sucks for that guy.
It's like going to a group dinner,
all your friends are ordering caviar,
you think you're paying for yourself, so you're like,
"I'm just gonna have the breadsticks," and at the end,
someone's like, "The dinner was on me."
And you're like... (cracking sound)
(laughter)
And also, and also, can we admit
that although this was fantastic,
this billionaire has ruined commencement speeches forever?
Yeah, because good luck being next year's speaker.
It'll be like, "And, finally, I want to say,
always follow your dreams."
"And...?"
"And believe in yourself."
"And...?"
"Well, that's it."
"Boo."
(laughter)
This also probably pisses off other billionaires,
when, you think about it, because now the expectation
is that they will pay tuition at any college they go to.
You're gonna look bad if you don't.
Yeah, I bet other billionaires
are gonna end up speaking at cheaper colleges, you know.
Bill Gates will be like, "It's such an honor to be addressing
"the Hackensack Online Beauty Academy.
"Here's your 150, here's your 150 bucks.
Here's your 150 bucks."
All right, moving on to some tech news.
Now that Uber is a public company,
it's under more pressure to make profits,
which is probably why it just launched a brand-new feature.
If your Uber driver is a bit too chatty for your liking,
you can now use a mute feature in Uber Black service.
Now, the features in the app are called "quiet preferred,"
but if you're feeling social,
you can also select "happy to chat."
Yes, from now on if you get into an Uber,
you can select "happy to chat" or "quiet mode" on the app.
Although, I'll be honest, knowing Uber drivers,
I don't think it's actually gonna make a difference, right?
You're gonna get in the car
and then the driver's gonna be like,
"So I see you chose 'quiet mode,' yeah?
"That's a good option, yeah.
"So many drivers, they talk, talk, talk, talk.
"Never leave you alone.
"Yeah, I wish everything in life had quiet mode,
"like my children and my wife.
"Oh, yeah. No. I mean, yeah.
So is this your first time using 'quiet mode,' yeah?"
(laughter)
But don't forget, don't forget, you only get "quiet mode"
if you take Uber Black, which is the luxury service.
Yeah, luckily, though, Uber has also unveiled
some new features for UberX, like there,
they've got a new mode called "Don't stab me."
Yeah, so that's a... that's a nice feature.
And finally, some news coming out of my home country,
South Africa.
We move on now to a bizarre encounter
with a fan for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The action star and former governor
has decided not to press charges against the man
who drop-kicked him in the back at an event in South Africa.
NEWSWOMAN: This weekend,
71-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger proving
it's still a bad idea to mess with the Governator.
One man at the Arnold Classic Africa Sports Festival
in South Africa learned that the hard way
after landing a flying kick into Schwarzenegger's back.
In this video, you see despite the attacker
taking a running start,
Arnold barely moved, unfazed.
(laughter)
What the (bleep)?
(laughter)
I know this was funny for some people,
but I'm not gonna lie. As a South African,
I was super pissed off.
First of all, thanks to that guy,
now we're the country
that drop-kicked the Terminator, okay?
And what's even worse is that Arnold barely even moved,
so now we look like we can't even kick right.
Makes the whole country look bad.
You know that people were texting me
after this shit happened?
People were like, "Hey, Trevor, did you see this kick?
Is that a normal thing in South Africa?"
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, guys. No, it's tradition.
That's what we do in South Africa.
We just drop-kick all the celebrities that show up.
Yeah. Yeah, you remember when Bill Clinton
came to South Africa, Nelson Mandela met him
with a dropkick. He was like, "Welcome to South Africa.
Welcome."