- Here's my advice, okay?
If you just really believe in yourself,
and know you're doing your best
and you're proud of the way you're living,
then one day you might wind up on a pink back drop
just like playing with a shit ton of puppies.
What's better motivation than that?
(energetic keyboard music)
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer and I'm answering fan questions
while playing with puppies.
Okay, guys, are you ready?
Have you ever had an embarrassing workout story an incident
happen to you, like Renee in "I Feel Pretty"?
Ummm, well this dog just like kind of peed on me.
An embarrassing workout experience,
yeah, I've had a lot. Ooh.
One time when I was working out and going for a walk
in Austin, I shit myself.
You guys know what that's like.
Oh he doesn't even want it, he just wants love.
Hi! Awww, what about this one?
Hi. Okay, alright, questions, okay.
Renee kind of has a traumatic online
group date experience.
Have you had a bad online dating experience?
I was online dating for like truly 24 hours.
And it was traumatic enough that I wanted
to get out of there,
but then I've also, you know, I also met a guy
I had like a nice couple years relationship with,
from online.
So I've got no online hate,
but you can start to feel really bad about yourself,
you know, it's like you kind of get judged, like,
this is how much you're worth.
Yeah, and it makes you feel bad about yourself.
It's such a meat market.
But I don't know, a lot of people fall in love
on there like we just fell in love,
but I think we got these dogs online.
I like that there's wet footprints,
and like, we know what it's from.
I'm stranded on a desert island,
which of these people that I've worked with before
do I want with me?
Goldie Hawn, Lebron James, Jennifer Lawrence, or John Cena.
Goldie Hawn. Hands down.
Goldie is, you wanna be stuck anywhere with her.
Because Jennifer would eat me, you know.
She'd be like this is fun, we'll have fun,
and then she'd start looking at me like I was a chicken,
really fast.
But Goldie would, you know, we'd at least party
for a little while first. Okay.
What makes you feel pretty?
Puppies. I feel pretty...
Oh that's actually, thank you. Thank you sir.
Yeah, being around your friends.
I know it sounds corny but seriously
when you're just like with your friends
and you're laughing and you just feel really like yourself
and authentic and yeah.
But also when someone has sex with you, you feel pretty.
You're like okay, I must have looked well enough
that you wanted to have sex with me so that's a compliment.
How will married life change your stand-up material?
(loud bang) Sir.
I don't know I just started doing it.
I mean it's, nobody's ever gonna text me, "You up?" again.
So I'll just have to start just you know talking,
ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
Givenchy ma'am. Awww. I can't stay mad at you.
I don't know I just need to get a lot of dogs.
You're a little biter.
Mmm hmm, okay.
Jennifer Lawrence recently said you gave her some
tough love after a breakup.
Has she ever given you similar advice?
Well I didn't give her advice, I just sent her flowers
saying that I was sorry that she was gonna die alone.
And I stand by that, I love Jennifer,
she's one of my best friends, and,
and you know she's beautiful on camera
and she's an incredible actress,
but in a person, when Jennifer's up close,
she, it all melts away and she's very hideous.
Jenn is yeah, I knew I could mess with Jenn
about her breakup, she'll bounce back quick.
What if that was an important question?
What if this happened with the,
the Constitution?
What's the craziest rumor you've ever heard about yourself?
I read a rumor once that I had,
I don't even want to say this,
but it was that I had gone to jail
for punching someone in the face at the Oscars.
And I've never gone to the Oscars,
but yeah it was written as fact.
Congrats on your marriage!
How and when did you know your husband was "the one"?
When he introduced himself as a chef.
You worked with Michelle Williams and Busy
on "I Feel Pretty", were you a big "Dawson's Creek fan
growing up?
Yes, of course. I have a beating heart.
So of course I like "Dawson's Creek".
What are you doing?
Cause you just got very still all of a sudden,
and I'm definitely concerned about that.
What about you?
Look at this little face.
Are you so cute? Awww.
What celebrity makes you laugh the most?
What celebrity makes me laugh the most?
Oww. Dammit.
The funniest, you know, your teeth are no joke,
like we gotta be real.
Dave Atell makes me laugh the most, the comedian.
And he's in a movie.
Truly biting glass. Truly.
You. You're a little vampire.
You're like Robert Pattinson.
Look at this.
I'm gonna name you Robert Pattinson
and you're Kristen Stewart and you're Anna Kendrick,
and you're Taylor something.
Momsen.
All these puppies are available for adoption
at North Shore Animal League America.
Except for this one.
You're coming home with me.
Are you gonna see the movie?
(energetic music)