- Normally at this time I would binge.
It's not just about a dress not fitting.
I am exposed.
Hi, I'm Kate, and I have binge eating disorder.
According to the National Eating Disorder Association,
binge eating disorder is a serious and life-threatening,
although treatable, eating disorder.
It is the most common eating disorder in the United States,
and is often characterized by eating large amounts of food
quickly and to the point of discomfort,
as well as feelings of loss of control during a binge
and shame or distress after it.
Those with binge eating disorder may, but not always,
try to compensate with purging.
I've had binge eating disorder since I was 16,
and it truly sucks.
Over the years I have restricted, over-exercised,
binged in secret, binged at night in secret,
like snuck down to the kitchen,
not eaten in front of people.
I've stolen roommates food to eat in secret,
and tried to replace it before they could know.
I have skipped meals.
I've tried weight loss supplements.
I've tried every diet possible.
And finally, I figured out how to get a
prescription to a particular type of medication
that is known for suppressing appetites
that I didn't need to be on and shouldn't have been on.
I hated myself so much I didn't want
other people to see me, or know me.
So I've been in therapy for about two years now.
I'm still not fully recovered, but through therapy
I've been able to at least acknowledge that
eating disorders have their own voice and
their own narrative that they try to tell you.
And the eating disorder voice is relentless
and critical and mean and super manipulative
to a point where you actually think you are
taking care of yourself.
Recognizing when that voice is talking is hard enough.
Does anyone ever really want a cannoli?
I know that my body doesn't need a cannoli
in order to function.
But do I want a cannoli?
Not right now.
But then trying to combat what it's telling you to do
with reason is something I still struggle
very much with.
The bags of cannolis is in the freezer.
My eating disorder voice is saying, why don't you go
and eat all of them, you dumb, fat whore,
which is very mean.
I feel like it is an innate quality at this point
to belittle my own feelings and thoughts
and to self deprecate.
So I am not going to do that.
I decided to record one month of my life,
where I actively tried to combat my
eating disorder voice.
At the end of the 30 days, it just so happens
that I was going to be in Hawaii, in a bathing suit.
I tried really really hard to listen to what my body needed,
and tried to not listen
to my dick head eating disorder voice.
I have plans to go to dinner with my friend
in like an hour and a half, but I'm like pretty hungry now,
so I should make a snack so that I don't get crazy hungry.
But sometimes I just think
if I wait until I'm crazy hungry
then it means I earned the food.
You don't think about that with a car.
When your car needs gas
you don't just run it into the ground
so it earned the fuel.
I had ignored it for so long I didn't speak
my body's language anymore.
I didn't know what the hell I wanted.
Eggs?
Gnocchi.
And broccoli?
That sounds good?
So although it was a little clunky,
I was trying my best to figure out my body's language.
One of my favorite things in the world is
egg breakfast sandwiches.
The freest of range.
Eight acres they have.
Hopefully they're not lying to me.
Why did I say that?
Just believe people.
Since I've been practicing being a little bit
nicer to myself, specifically after eating,
I have so much more free time.
Normally I would just spend two, maybe three hours
just knee deep in self loathing.
I'm feeling good, I'm feeling nice.
The thing about challenging your eating disorder voice
is that it fights back, really (bleep) hard.
So I ordered a dress to wear to Hawaii.
It was the largest size they had.
Not a sales for this particular dress.
I can't believe I'm gonna show you this.
It doesn't fit like,
oh my God, at all.
Look at this, just...
That was in the back of my mind when I went to
go get dressed the next morning.
Okay, so I changed my shirt one more time.
And now I'm late for work and I didn't
get a chance to even dry my hair.
And this happens at least three days a week.
And then it was a spiral from there.
Normally at this time I would binge.
It feels so (bleep) (bleep) to say that
'cause it's embarrassing because it's like
okay well logically if the dress didn't fit,
and you don't like the size you are,
why would you binge?
Great (bleep) question.
I don't know.
It's like a bit of self destruction that I can't hide.
I think that's what makes me embarrassed
about not fitting into things.
'Cause at least if I fit into that dress,
I would be like, oh good, no one saw the part of me
I'm most ashamed about.
So it's not just about a dress not fitting.
I'm exposed.
After a good night's sleep, I sort of realized
that I wasn't saying the emotions I felt.
After like the dress didn't fit, the main thing
I felt was shame.
Whenever someone sees me, I feel a little bit of shame.
So that sucks to say out loud.
But what's the point of doing this video
if I'm not gonna be honest about it.
I'm noticing that if I don't deal with them,
they just sort of stay there
and find other ways to come out,
or turn into something else that I'm able to deal with.
Different emotion.
So I'm at work and I almost started crying at my desk.
I'm like nervous to go to Hawaii to be in a bathing suit.
I reached out to a few friends.
Some of them were like, you know what might make you
feel better?
Exercise.
And I know that they're just trying to help,
'cause exercise does increase endorphins.
In my head it was just sort of like,
learn something from this.
If you feel fat you probably are,
and you should go exercise it off.
And I know that's not what they mean.
It's just what my brain says to me.
I'm just really tired of feeling like this
all the time.
And I feel like no matter what I do,
or what I put into it, it can't change my mind
about myself.
And I wish I didn't have such a complicated relationship
with food and exercising and body image.
It's everyday.
I just think about it every, all the time.
And I'm scared I'm not actually gonna change.
There's no tissues in here.
(bleep)
I wasn't crying because I didn't fit in a dress.
I wasn't crying because I was eating carbs.
I was crying because I realized that the answer
was never going to be new clothes or a smaller size
or healthier food.
Because those things were never the problem
in the first place.
The problem was self worth and my complete lack of it.
I figured if I changed my criteria for my own self worth
maybe that was the right place to start.
Okay, so I saw a video of myself today,
and I saw my arms in it, and I was like,
oh cool, I'm just never gonna eat again.
And then I had a birthday party tonight
and I wasn't gonna go 'cause normally I would
just stay home and be like, I have to punish myself
for my arms being arms and then I was like,
okay but remember what you put on your wall.
And there's friends.
So I'm going.
Feeling a little self conscious earlier,
and normally when that happens I would buy a
gym membership of some sort that I would never use.
You have no idea how many gyms I belong to.
Instead of doing that I went to Target.
I bought this picture.
And a journal where I wrote down what I was feeling.
Trying to just spend time and energy on things that matter.
Progress, progress, not perfection.
I was feeling really good after that,
but I still had the big challenge coming up.
A vacation to Hawaii.
And I know how that sounds.
I get it.
I know, oh boo hoo, you're going to Hawaii.
In the mind of someone with an eating disorder
even a trip to paradise can honest to God feel like
pure hell.
I really seriously contemplated not going.
I'm not gonna go be in a bathing suit around
a bunch of people.
(bleep) that.
But I'd already bought the ticket so I was going.
(upbeat music)
It was really hard not to compare myself to other people.
There's some people with really fit bodies
walking around carrying surfboards, being awesome.
I think I spent a lot of time feeling really bad
when in reality really great things were happening.
So I'm gonna try to be more grateful.
Being mindful of where I was and what thoughts
I was entertaining in my head, I started to
have fun with my friends and really enjoy where I was.
It has been over a decade of bullying myself
from the inside out.
And when you're that mean to yourself, the world
seems a little bit meaner, too.
Now I'm certainly not out of the woods,
but I am a lot further along than I was
when I started therapy.
I think about how amazing it must feel
to wake up in the morning and not hate yourself.
I think about all the things that I missed out on.
And the experiences that I could have had,
and that I think a lot of people miss out on too.
And how nice it would be if we were just taught
that worth and size didn't go hand in hand.
I started thinking about all the things I've
been putting off until I'm thin enough.
I've been starting to challenge that idea of when.
When to be kind to myself, braver in my career,
have confidence.
When to start genuinely enjoying myself.
And I was like, okay, well what if I just started
doing those things now?
What if you just started doing these things now
instead of waiting until this nonexistent level
of enough was met.
It's never gonna be met.
'Cause even at my thinnest I still don't love myself.
If you're alive you deserve your spot of happiness
and place in this world just as much as anyone else
despite what you look like.
Yeah, it just doesn't have to be this hard.
That's what she said.
Cut.