G'day, A.J. Mahari here excuse me hmr here is there one skill just one thing you need to know
so you can heal from the most complex uh adverse experience of what surviving a bpd relationship
breakup really is and means in all of the multifaceted multi-layered reality of that pain
those unhealthy bonds etc is there just one thing you need to know one skill that's gonna just you
know help you to just i don't know skip through stuff in some magical fashion and you're gonna
just be recovered and can this skill be applied to people with bpd too well i've been talking about
this for 26 years online as far as how people with bpd can and do heal and recover
when they learn in therapy among a plethora of other things how to take personal responsibility
so if you can take personal responsibility is that your big one skill to healing and recovery
from codependency and an ex with bpd or a parent with bpd or npd or whatever the case or both well
no and why is that because personal responsibility taking isn't in and of itself a skill
so when we think about skills or tools needed for healing and recovery
you could take up skills like mindfulness radical acceptance i'm gonna have so much
more coming on this and the depth and the unique quality of the agony
of trying to survive your way through you know yeah surviving the bp relationship breakup
because bpd relationship breakups are uniquely unlike any other type of breakups and why do i
know this not only because i've been talking about this for 26 years and writing about it online etc
and working with clients did i say 21 years 26 years online 31 years working with clients
but because there's there's so many steps to this process and there and there is no one skill
that's going to change everything for you there's no one step two step three step four step 12 step
it doesn't work that way i've been working with people for 31 years now helping them
recover from codependency family of origin uh self-differentiation issues all kinds
the relationship codependency all of it getting out of breaking the unhealthy bond which by the
way if you get out of one of these relationships and you don't break the unhealthy bond people
three five ten years later are still wanting to be who were back or s sorry susceptible to it
hoping for it because you have to break the bond so yeah phone no contact is really important and
very difficult and there's a plethora of other things which i've talked about in other videos
but the number one thing i wanted to impart in this video is there is no one skill
that's going to magically help you to heal and recover from these very painful and uniquely
painful and difficult relationships and what is one of the main reasons why
surviving a bpd relationship the relationship and then the breakup is so painful and uniquely
different and agonizing because it's not all about the bpd relationship breakup it's that
but it's about what you learn about yourself it's about the codependency it's about pain that you've
been in for almost a lifetime if not near you know like from childhood on codependency is formidable
and it needs to be looked at through the proper lens and that lenses in some airy fairy you know
go to codependence anonymous so there is no one skill because personal responsibility taking
is something that it takes a lot for for different people takes a lot of understanding
i'm self in a therapeutic process to get to that point for people so personal responsibility is
a series of awarenesses and getting into your emotional landscape
it's not just a skill one skill that you can just
right now do it people with codependency that don't people with bpd struggling with
that massively if they're untreated if they haven't had significant therapy yet
but people with codependency make no mistake about it taking personal responsibility is very key
yes it's key to all healing in ways but it's not a skill it is something that people move toward
through therapy by increasing their awareness from the unconscious to the conscious bringing
to your consciousness what you are responsible for and what you're not and why did you put up with
everything into and take on all that was done to you by somebody with bpd and why did they do what
they do because they have their own histories and reasons even though there's no sanctioning
really poor behavior or treatment of anyone make no mistake about it though personal responsibility
is many things and it's many things combined bringing to your conscious mind many aspects of
awareness that you need to process in therapy because emotional personal responsibility
is not a skill per se of its own so it's not one magical skill that everybody needs to hear it's
very important in healing and recovery journey of of all types but it isn't exactly a skill
so again you know what's the big sales pitch about somewhere about oh one skill you need
to heal and it works for borderlines too personal responsibility taking this would be an action that
people get into them the momentum of creating for themselves when they're in a therapeutic
process when they're coming to deeper awareness from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind
of the actions that you need to take so it's about skills plural and building coping mechanisms
and increasing your emotional intelligence and building resiliency and there are many more
but make no mistake about it there's no magical one skill to heal and recover
because personal responsibility taking isn't a quote skill unquote it is very important
but it calls upon so many other resources coping tools and skills to that will support people
coming to understand whether they have codependency or bpd coming to understand
their own personal responsibility so it's really about unlocking the emotional landscape
to truly take personal responsibility it's not just an intellectual head thing that people
know like that because you can look up personal responsibility or responsibility in dictionary
people kind of know what that means but it's not a skill it's much more than that and it requires
the underpinnings and the building and the working and the and the coming to awareness like i said so
make no mistake about it there is no fast way out of recovering from codependency or surviving and
recovering from surviving the relationship and the relationship bpd relationship breakup you're gonna
have to invest in yourself you're gonna if you have codependency you need to get into therapy you
don't need 12 steps you don't have a magical one skill personal responsibility you need multiple
levels of awareness to come from unconscious to consciousness it is an entire process that when
i work with clients as i have been for 31 years i can tell you this much about it no one size fits
all at all i work with client to clients client each person thousands of people i've worked with
you know like several thousands of people in the last 31 years and i don't know that i approach any
two the same each person is an individual and this is a multifaceted multi-layered process and i'm
going to have more coming about why the borderline relationships and and and what happens in them and
why they're so uniquely painful and complicated to survive and thrive and grow and heal from and it's
not all about the person with bpd and it's not all about the bpd relationship it's also about
the fact that people have codependency who get into relationships with people with bpd
and it's also about the very formal formidable story reality of what codependency really means
and i'm sorry for the delay because i'm still waiting for a resource it's going to complete
what i'm doing that this information is really needed for what i'm working on that will be coming
probably in a course format i'm not sure but it will be coming sooner rather than later
and it's going to give you a much more palpable and i hope i'm doing that now though in videos
understanding of what codependency really is how formidable it is and how you need to make sure
that when you choose somebody to work with they have a background of expertise in this over time
not just been around for a year make magical promises to you things like there's only one
skill you need to heal and recover and it's personal responsibility personal responsibility
is super important but again i just want to say it is based on many other moving pieces and it isn't
a whole lot personal responsibility is first of all not a skill second of all it's not going to be
what it could be if you only know it up here intellectually because personal responsibility
is another one of those moving pieces in the whole picture of recovery that requires you to be in
your emotional landscape so that you can take full personal responsibility and more to the point know
yourself better and understand where your choices or unconscious choices or where that people might
call poor decisions or worse have come from to understand all of that to be able to grasp that
build awareness to work on so many things at once that are part of this is not just involving one
skill and personal responsibility isn't even a skill so i just wanted to really make that
clear here for people because there's a lot of things around that are very unclear and i think
part of my mandate here and part of my mission is to keep it real to help you heal and to keep
on telling you this codependency is formidable codependency needs to be taken seriously and i'm
going to be in my own way not redefining the whole thing but bringing to you uh i think a much deeper
much more formidable uh definition and scope of codependency that will then give you steps to
take in working with me and the information that i'm going to be putting out but make no mistake
about it there's no magical one tool one skill one way four things six things 12 step processes
you know there's a lot that's been studied and said about 12-step recovery groups
they're highly dysfunctional and they really don't work and if anybody's been in them for
like i don't know 20 30 40 years or they've been in therapy for 20 years
um why would they be there's no shame in being in therapy and stuff but why would somebody be proud
that whatever's going on for them takes 20 years plus to work on in therapy because i can only
think of one thing that that would be narcissistic personality disorder because even recovery from
borderline personality disorder doesn't take 20 years it just doesn't if people get into it
follow the process so make no mistake about it there is not one skill that will heal everything
or or even start you on the road i mean personal responsibility is a key thing to get into your
emotional landscape and understand and be able to take with growing awareness
that will help you in many phases of a healing and recovery journey but it's not a skill based
um measurable uh reality i guess is where i put personal responsibility is not skill based
personal responsibility has a lot to do with emotional landscape and emotional intelligence
as well as how you understand it in your into in your iq but it's balance so there
is no one thing there are no four or five fast tips um this is hard work ladies and gentlemen
i'm here to keep it real to help you heal if i resonate with you i'm out here to work with you
but choose wisely and carefully whoever you work with because i'm not for everybody and that's cool
but just know personal responsibility taking is important but people have to learn a lot before
they can get there it's part of the recovery and awareness and emotional in your emotional
landscape and it's not a skill it relies on a lot of other things a lot of other skills and tools so
a set of skills and tools and more that makes up people's ability to take personal responsibility
so i'll have more comment on this and i hope that this was helpful to someone take care