You don't have to be a Bible-thumper to know about the Twelve Apostles from the Bible.
Called by Jesus to follow him, the Twelve Apostles were… well, fittingly enough a
dozen guys - who wondered around with Jesus and asked lots of questions in such a way
that so He could answer them with meandering stories - that we call parables .
But how much do we really know about them?
Here's the untold truth of the Twelve Apostles.
Probably the most famous of the Twelve Apostles, arguably Jesus' #1 guy, is Simon better known
by the rad nickname Jesus gave him, Peter.
It’s not like Jesus didn’t know how nicknames worked, when translated into English as Peter,
Kifa or Petros means rock - which is like saying….
“You, are my number one guy.”
Peter is the focus of a number of famous stories in the canonical Gospels, perhaps most notably
the episode in which he briefly walks on water, the time he denied knowing Jesus three times,
and the time he cut off a dude's ear.
Following the ascension of Christ, Peter became the first leader of the early church.
For Catholics, he's the first pope, and he's supposedly buried in the Vatican.
According to some texts he also later battled the wizard Simon Magus before eventually being...
crucified upside down.
Get used to it, there aren't a lot of happy endings here.
Far less is known about Peter's brother Andrew, the first disciple of Jesus.
Actually, that's about all we know from the Bible: the only other thing he's called out
for is finding the kid with the loaves and fishes that Jesus uses to feed the five thousand.
Outside of canon, however, the Acts of Andrew tells us that Andrew went on to perform great
deeds, including raising the dead, magically defeating entire armies by himself, escaping
wild animals, and rescuing a fellow Apostle from cannibals.
According to tradition, he was crucified on an X-shaped cross, just like Wolverine.
But despite the association with Logan, X-shaped crosses — like the one found on the Scottish
flag — are actually called a St. Andrew's Cross.
Peter and Andrew were not the only brothers in Jesus' squad.
Even better known as a pair are James and John, who are also known by the incredibly
dope nickname the Sons of Thunder, presumably because of their short tempers.
Along with John and Peter, James seems to be one of Jesus's main dudes.
Those three were, for example, the only ones present when Jesus transformed into rays of
light and appeared to the three conversing with Moses and Elijah.
The event made it into three of the 4 gospels and is alluded to in the book of John.
The Acts of the Apostles records that King Herod Agrippa had James killed, making him
the first of the Twelve Apostles to be martyred — in 44 AD, but according to the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, James was ressructed, and along with Peter and John,
delievered the idea of Mormanism to founder John Smith.
There are some New Testament names that are so common, it makes it difficult sometimes
to tell who's who.
Luckily, according to church tradition, almost all the Johns are actually the same guy: John
the Evangelist, John the Presbyter, John of Patmos, and the mysterious figure from the
Gospel of John known as the Disciple Jesus Loved.
All one guy!
According to tradition, John was the youngest of the Twelve Apostles - you may have heard
his brother known as James the Greater, because “greater” in this case meant “older”
- obviously if we counted by nicknames John would certainly be greater!
He managed to outlive all the others despite the non-canonical Acts of John listing all
sorts of crazy adventures — like raising a married couple from the dead and destroying
an altar of Artemis with mind bullets.
That’s telekinesis Kyle… er…
John.
Sure makes you wonder, boy…
Philip is mentioned in the Bible as being from Peter and Andrew's hometown.
Like Andrew, he also shows up in the parable of the loaves and fishes when he mistakenly
says they can't afford to feed the masses.
Whoops!
And then..
That's it.
Fortunately, the Acts of Philip, which was written centuries later, helps to fill in
some blanks.
In it, Philip, travels to Greece, Phrygia, and Syria.
While on these travels, he manages to convert a talking goat and a talking leopard to Christianity
before killing a dragon before being… wait for it… crucified.
Lot of that going around.
Of course those stories - and many like it - are from what’s called the Gnostic Gosples
That’s a nice way of saying “Wow, these stories are exciting!
And additionally they likely never happened, but he killed a dragon!”
Think of the Gnostic Gospels a bit like that story the guy told in City Slickers….
“You know how in an emergency you can get like super human strength?
I reach down and I lift this crane, and Ernesto is able to slide her out from under!”
Philip's best friend was Bartholomew, and the fact that the two were BFF's is about
the only thing we know of Bartholomew from the Bible.
Fortunately, a bonkers post-canonical text called the Questions of Bartholomew fills
in some gaps.
It shows Bart questioning Jesus and getting answers that involve Jesus peeling back the
ground like a blanket to open a portal to Hell and summoning Satan.
Plus, it's got the secret of God and Mary's first date!
If that sounds pretty gnostic to you, that’s because… well, it is.
There are many different accounts of his death, but the best known has him being flayed alive
by the King of Armenia, so he is typically depicted in art holding his own empty skin.
What the hell is wrong with artists?!
Because Thomas said he would refuse to believe that Jesus had been resurrected until he saw
him and touched his nailholes, to this day we use the phrase "doubting Thomas."
Thomas is also called by the Greek name Didymus; both names mean "twin," But whose twin was
he?
Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because according to some non-canonical text, Thomas
is actually Jesus's twin brother!
Yes, THAT Jesus.
That might explain the notoriously off-brand Infancy Gospel of Thomas, which relates the
adventures of Jesus when he was a boy.
Later in life, these very same texts mention that Thomas went to India, where he battled
demons and dragons before, you guessed it, being martyred.
The Apostle Matthew is probably more notable for his role as an evangelist more than as
one of the Twelve Apostles.
The first book of the New Testament is named after him, and tradition attributes that Gospel
to him.
Within the Gospels themselves, however, he doesn't do much.
The Gospel of Matthew says he was a tax collector who quit his job in the middle of a shift
when Jesus asked him to hang out.
Unfortunately, Matthew doesn't really have any cool post-canon adventures, though he
supposedly wrote several texts that we consider, you guessed it… gnostic.
Matthew is also believed to have been martyred, but there is no consensus on how or where.
We're guessing… crucified, maybe?
There are two apostles named James, and this one may or may not also be the hugely important
figure in the early church known as James the Just, aka James the Brother of Jesus whose
remains some believe were found in 2002.
"It reads 'James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus.'"
If they are the same person, then James was the first head of the church in Jerusalem
and is the credited author of works as far ranging as the canonical Epistle of James
and the amazing Infancy Gospel of James, which tells the story of Mary's childhood up to
the birth of Jesus at which a midwife's hand gets burned off testing to see if Mary is
still a virgin.
James was also martyred he was thrown from the top of the temple, stoned, and beaten
to death for refusnig to renounce Jesus.
The Apostle Jude gets a variety of names throughout the Gospels, including Thaddeus, so his identity
is a bit obscured.
Some believe he was another brother of Jesus, in which case he also was the author of the
canonical Epistle of Jude.
He's also often confused with Judas Iscariot, which has led to St. Jude's famous role as
the patron of lost causes: The idea is that Christians would be unlikely to pray to St.
Jude for fear of accidentally praying to Judas Iscariot, so they would have to be really
desperate to call on Judas.
"It's Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes"
Jude is also a patron saint of Armenia, though the apocryphal Acts of Simon and Jude instead
says Jude went to Persia, where he was murdered with an ax.
The Apostle Simon literally only appears in the Bible in the various lists of the Twelve
Apostles, so all we know about him is his name.
The problem is, even his name gets messed up in translation.
To distinguish him from Simon Peter, this Simon is known as Simon the Canaanite, Simon
the Cananaean, or Simon the Zealot, which is what he's called in Jesus Christ, Superstar.
You know, the rock opera?
None of those names are accurate, though, leaving us with zilch to go on.
Supposedly he traveled to Presia with Jude, though, and got sawed in half, so at least
we know he met a grisly end like almost all the others.
Judas Iscariot is so infamous for literally selling out Jesus to the Romans for 30 pieces
of silver that the word "Judas" describes betrayal itself.
“But one who sits among us has already betrayed me this night.”
“Who?
Who?
Who can it be?”
“Judas!”
“HUH!”
“Do you want a beverage?”
Matthew says Judas regretted his betrayal and hanged himself, while the Acts of the
Apostles says he used the silver to buy a field where he tripped and then exploded like
a blood Gusher.
However, in the 1970's, the Gospel of Judas, which had been lost for over 1700 years, was
found, and it tells a very different story.
According to the Gospel of Judas, Jesus knew he had to die in order to save mankind, so
he asked Judas, his best friend, to betray him in order to fulfill his destiny.
Check out one of our newest videos right here!
Plus, even more Grunge videos about your favorite Bible stories are coming soon.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the bell so you don't miss a single one.