(upbeat music)
- Now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis.
Now she used to be a man.
I don't know, I don't know,
we were watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe.
- You know I don't mean to brag
but I waited tables at Innsbrook in '76.
Amuse bouche?
- I know this is gonna sound really stupid,
but I feel, I feel that if I can do this,
if I can actually do my own laundry,
there isn't anything I can't do.
Yes!
Did you see that?
- You were incredible!
- Do you ever just feel like sometimes
you are so unbelievable uncoordinated?
- What?
You just click when they click.
I am so sorry.
I know you probably think this is all about
what I said the other night about you
making love with your socks on, but it isn't.
It isn't, it's about me.
- [Ross] Okay, can people stop?
- You won't even taste it?
- No.
- Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?
- Not even if Carol's breast had a picture
of a missing child on it.
- Seriously, where did you get the hat?
I'm never gonna find a boyfriend again.
Die an old maid.
- You're not gonna die an old maid.
Maybe an old spinster cook.
- Thanks.
Sure, what?
Okay.
Music?
- [Radio Announcer] The next one's dedicated
to Rachel from Ross.
- Hey.
Where's Joey?
Okay, it's about Alan.
There's something that you should know.
There's really no easy way to say this.
I've decided to break up with Alan.
It's on us all right, so don't worry, this is our treat.
- It just feels like...
- Like?
- Charity.
- Charity?
- We're just trying to do a nice thing here.
- So, Rach, you wanna save this wrapping paper?
I mean it's only a little bit torn,
so are you gonna go for it with Ross
or should I just throw it out?
- Oh!
There's no orange juice in there, we win.
- They have another guess.
- Okay well we won that one.
- Men are here.
- Well the tough thing is she really
wants to have sex with me.
- Crazy bitch.
All right, now try taking a puff.
Right.
- What?
- Relax your hand.
Let your wrist go.
Not so much.
- Oh! - Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey buddy, what's up?
Oh, she told you about that huh?
Well okay, thanks.
- Ross, let me ask you a question.
She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.
What did you get?
- You guys.
- You got screwed. - Oh God.
- Oh my God.
- Whose little ball of paper is this?
- Oh that would be mine, see, I wrote a note to myself
and then I realized I didn't need the note
so I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.
- We make fire.
What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like
that I'm also seeing a cup?
- Hey. - Hey.
Where have you been?
- I just got back from the vet.
- She's not gonna make you wear one of those
big plastic cones is she?
- Come in.
Paul this is,
everybody.
Everybody, this is Paul.
- Me and Chandler live right across the hall,
and he's away a lot.
- Joey, stop hitting on her, it's her wedding day.
- What, like there's a rule or something?
(knocking on door)
Hold on, you knew?
- Of course I knew, what do you think?
- Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful,
but, what the hell are you talking about?
Yeah I'm an actor.
- Wow.
Would I have seen you in anything?
- Oh I doubt it.
Mostly regional work.
- Unless you happened to catch the
wee one's production of Pinocchio.
- Look Geppetto, I'm a real live boy.
- I will not take this abuse.
- No.
- Ew, uh.
- Nuh-uh, no, no don't.
Stop cleansing my aura.
No just leave my aura alone, okay?
- Hey.
- So um, did she?
- I mean I know she's gone, but I just don't feel...
- Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
- No no, she's gone.
- No I mean maybe no one ever really goes.
- Well now, how come you guys have never
played poker with us?
- Yeah what is that, like some kind of guy thing?
Like some kind of sexist guy thing?
Like it's poker so only guys can play.
- We just don't happen to know any women
that know how to play poker.
- Oh please, that is such a lame excuse.
I mean it's a typical guy response.
- Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
- [All] No.
- But you could teach us.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Ooh, ooh yeah, you know.
Did you notice how he always starts his stories
with okay I was so wasted, or we were so bombed,
or oh ooh ooh, so I wake up and I'm in
this dumpster in Connecticut.
- Hi!
- Ross is wearing leather pants.