- My name's Ashton. Tell you a little about myself.
I got a lisp. So, uh,
(audience laughs)
sorry, front row.
Just let you know right now.
Whoever invented the word lisp,
(audience laughs)
Bro. Bro, what the?
Nigga, you a asshole. What the ?
(audience laughs)
I can't even say the shit.
(audience laughs)
I got a lisp. People like,
"Yeah, I know.
(audience laughs)
Heard it when you said 'lisp.'"
I'll tell you the worst experience I ever had with a li.
I was at AT&T, I was getting a new phone number.
The lady was very excited.
She was, like, "Oh my God, oh m.
Here's your new number.
It's seven-one-three,
six-six-seven,
seven-seven-eight-seven."
And I was like,
"Uh, no the fuck it ain't!
(audience laughs)
No it ain't! You better throw some threes in that motha.
Goddamn strong nine. I ain't ab.
Selling them S's?"
(audience laughs)
It's been a while, man, it's be.
Obviously, a lot of things have happened to us.
We've gotten through it.
I think the hardest thing I dealt with this year,
it wasn't none of the pandemic.
It wasn't, like, the Capitol ri.
It was actually my cousin coming out the closet,
on Facebook.
(audience laughs)
And nobody in my family believe.
(audience laughs)
Nobody. He made a status.
He was like, "Hey, y'all, I'm g"
And me and my family was in the comments section, like,
"Hey man, somebody got your pho.
(audience laughs)
Hey, dog!
Hey, bro, get your phone back."
We did not believe this nigga.
He had to make another status, .
He was mad as shit.
He was, like, "No, for real! Y'all, I'm gay."
We was just in the comments sec,
"Hey, man, change your password, or something.
(audience laughs)
It's been like 6 hours, this nigga's still got yo phone.
The fuck?"
What's crazy is, like, for people to actually believe him,
he had to, like, upload a pictue
of him and his boyfriend making.
That's where we're, like,
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit, okay. All right. Okay.
This hacker's good with Photosh.
(audience laughs)
You might wanna delete your Fac.
Start over, I don't know. Join .
(audience laughs)
That's only funny to me because I remember one time,
I was on Facebook and I saw an .
It said scientists were looking for a gay gene.
I was like, "Oh shit, that'd be"
If a gay gene actually existed,
do you how easy it would be to come out the closet?
You could literally just walk up to your parents.
Be like, "Mom, Dad.
(Ashton sighs)
I got something to tell y'all.
One of y'all,
(audience laughs) (audience claps)
One of y'all's gay.
(audience laughs)
I dunno which one, Dad, but,
this one, here, might be."
My dad hates that joke.
(audience laughs)
It's fine. I don't care, I don'.
You know, my dad's a great guy. Love him to death.
He'll never get my politics.
If your parents don't get your ,
hey, just let 'em die.
You know? (audience laughs)
Fuck it, let them die, bro.
Don't argue. Just love 'em for who they are. All right?
My dad's not gonna get my shit.
My dad's not gonna get intersec.
He's not gonna get new genders.
This nigga barely understands n.
There's no way, (audience laughs)
there's no way he's gonna get, "Gender? Nah, nigga. Nah."
I just spent too many hours in fucking Walmart,
arguing with him over almond mi.
(audience laughs)
Him being, like, "What the fuck?
What happened to regular ass mi?
What happened to regular milk?"
And I'm in the aisle explaining. I'm, like,
"Look brother, it's a spectrum .
(audience laughs) (audience whoops)
You don't gotta be so lactose-intolerant. All right."
(audience whoops) (audience claps)
So why the intolerance, bro? Lotta lactose.
Were y'all at the protest?
Speaking of intolerance,
that was the most intolerant sh.
Bro, I was at the protest last .
It was crazy as hell.
First off, the crazy part of the protest, for me,
it wasn't like all the police b.
Yeah, duh. That's what we were .
(audience laughs)
What fucked me up was, I got hi.
I got my skull cracked open by a cop. Literally.
And the most fucked up part abo,
it wasn't the cop hitting me.
It was when I was bleeding out,
passing out, losing consciousne.
All I heard was this black girl.
Instead of helping me, she's, l,
"Girl, they hitting niggas on t.
(audience laughs)
It's time to go. Hell, no, girl, it's time to go."
I was, like, "Oh, that's so fun"
She's, like, "Bitch,"
and I'm, like, a comic so I was,
"That's hilarious.
Oh, shit."
(audience laughs)
I was pointing at her and shit.
They were, like, "Did she do th"
I was, like, "No, she's funny.
(audience laughs)
She's got great timing."
(audience laughs)
Whole intolerance, man.
Man, do you know what?
That wasn't even the most fucke.
The most fucked up part about tt
were the counter protesters.
Y'all remember the counter prot?
Just a bunch of just big hungry,
hungry man-looking ass.
Favorite-color-is-camo-looking ass motherfuckers?
(audience laughs)
Just combating me.
Like, on the other side, what the problem was,
not only were they racist,
they also didn't believe in the.
They weren't wearing masks,
and they were just on the other side of the picket line,
spewing racial epithets, just no mask on the other side,
being like, "Why don't you go back to Africa!"
And we'd be on the other side, ,
"Uh, nigga, we can't.
(audience laughs)
It's a lockdown right now.
You gotta put on a mask if you want us to go back to Africa.
You gotta choose, bitch."
(audience whoops) (audience claps)
It's goofy shit.
On the other side of the fucking picket line,
being, like, "There's a war on the white male!"
And we'd be on the other side, ,
"Where do we sign up?
(audience laughs)
How do we enlist?"
(audience claps)
It's goofy shit, man. It's fuck.
God, it just be making me mad,
'cause it's so stupid. Racism i.
My little sister's eight years .
She had to, some little white boy told her she was pretty
for a black girl.
Pretty for black girl.
You can't give me a reason to kick a white child.
(audience laughs)
I will take it.
You know?
Now I'm over here feeling like,
I didn't save the world in time
for my little sister, all right?
So together, guys, we're going to do stuff.
We're gonna dismantle European beauty standards, all right?
(audience whoops) (audience claps)
We truly got to do it.
How am I doing it?
I'm going around calling white women ugly today.
(audience laughs)
I'm reverse-catcalling white women right now.
(audience claps)
I be in the streets like,
"Hey, yo, ma!
Turn your ass back around.
I ain't trying to see that shit"
(audience laughs)
It's just stupid. It's just stu.
It's all so stupid.
Stereotypes, stupid as hell. Stupid as hell.
I'm tired of combating stereotypes. They're dumb.
We're out there.
People think black people,
just because we're fighting for equal treatment
under the law,
they think black people don't fuck with laws.
Nigga.
Nigga, I. Come.
I fuck with laws.
(audience laughs)
Nigga, show me a law. (audience laughs)
Show me a law.
I'll obey that bitch right now.
(audience laughs)
Show me a law.
(audience laughs)
I don't know what you talking.
Not only do I fuck with laws,
I got favorite laws.
(audience laughs)
You know what my favorite laws ?
The laws
of physics.
(audience laughs)
You wanna fuck with them?
Yeah, no, you gotta fuck with the laws of physics.
You got to.
Those are the only laws that apply to us evenly.
You can't white privilege your ,
(audience laughs)
no matter how hard you try.
You can't drive off a cliff and,
"Hey, do you know my father?"