-Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Corrections"
for the week of Monday, June 24th.
This is going to be our last "Corrections" for a bit.
We're about to go on a two-week hiatus, which is very exciting.
Everyone here has different plans.
I'm going to a reeducation camp...
[ Laughter ]
...where I'm going to learn how to say "substantive"
without double clutching.
Let's get started.
We were talking about the cyber ninjas
who were involved in the Arizona election audit.
We said cyber ninjas sounded like a game
you would find in the bargain bin at GameStop
in 1994.
GameStop wasn't around in 1994.
I was told by quite a few people.
We should have said Babbage's or FuncoLand.
Also, I said it wrong. It's GameStops.
[ Laughter ]
So, we have a lot of international viewers
that engage with the show on YouTube.
We feel very grateful to have them.
A lot of British people told me I said "buoy" wrong.
That was incorrect. I said it right.
But it turns out, in England,
they pronounce it "boy,"
which is bad.
[ Laughter ]
"How will we know where our lobster trap is?"
"We'll tie it to a boy."
"The boy will float in the water,
and that's how we will know where our trap is.
And when it is time to sup,
we will return to the boy
to capture our prey."
"And will we bring the boy back with us?"
"The boy will stay."
So, that's interesting. It's boy.
It's boy in England. It's "booey" here.
And then, in Scotland,
according to our photographer Lloyd, it's "bay!"
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, I take it with a grain --
a grain of salt when it comes from old Lloyd.
[ Laughter ]
We got in a little back and forth, you and I,
which is...
I said that we beep our curse words,
and you said the correct term is bleep our curse words,
and I basically said it -- it's immaterial.
It doesn't make a difference.
People pointed out on the actual --
our closed captioning that we put on this,
we say bleep.
So I was 100% wrong.
And again, I would have known that if I ever watched this,
but why would I?
Why would I reengage with this whole charade
a second time?
I said, last week in "Corrections,"
I said the sentence "You the audience is relieved."
A bunch of you -- It was the biggest correction of the week --
said that my grammar was wrong
and I should have said, "You the audience are relieved."
which is correct,
and it's also a reminder that you the audience
both is and are
[Seth yells "beep"] insufferable.
[ Laughter ]
Oh. We talked about
the Phil Collins song "In the Air Tonight"
and talked about the drum solo in that song.
One of our viewers reached out and said
it's technically not a drum solo, it's a drum fill.
And I don't want to stereotype,
but I'm going to go out on a limb and say
that the person who wrote that is a stepdad.
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, I heard you guys talking from the other room."
"Ugh, not now, Dave." "No, I just want to let you know
a little something about, uh, the song you're talking about."
"We don't care, Dave."
"Well, uh, I just -- It matters.
It matters, guys.
It's a drum fill.
And one day, you're going to be in Guitar Center,
and you're going to embarrass yourself.
I'm trying to help you out."
"Just get out of here, Dave."
"Alright, I'm going to go.
Also, you guys should listen to Genesis.
I mean, that's the real stuff.
'Selling England By the Pound,' that's -- The prog stuff.
You know, I mean, 'cause God bless later Collins,
but it's a little pop radio."
"Get out of here, Dave!"
"Also, it's an urban legend."
"What are you talking about, Dave?"
"Uh, y-you know, that that's about someone drowning."
"What -- I don't even know what you're talking about."
"It's not real.
It's just not real.
They thought it was a boy,
but then they got closer,
and it was just a boy."
"What?"
"They thought it was a boy drowning.
But it was a boy."
"I don't -- What are you talking about?
"Oh, uh, well, Col-- Phil Collins is British,
so I was using the British pronunciation of buoy."
[ Laughter ]
We talked about Sal...
[Seth yells "beep"] up real bad.
He was talking about coffee,
and he talked about the difference between a coffee --
like, a cappuccino and a latte.
And then I said that Sal's not really a fancy coffee guy,
and we should have known better.
And I said that he -- he, like, fries Sanka a pan,
and then he drains it through a Mets cap.
It was that sentence I was then told,
you can't fry water.
Sanka's instant coffee, so you wouldn't need to do that,
and you don't drain it, you strain it.
So that's -- that's a hat trick.
[ Laughter ]
Very hard to pull off on -- on television in the modern age
to make three mistakes in one sentence, but...
your boy did it.
I also stumbled, because I was doing --
[ Chuckles ] I was talking about the fact
that, you know, if Dennis Miller had been asked
about Sal and his knowledge of coffee,
Dennis Miller would have said... [ Chuckles ]
"Sal thinks macchiato's the new Latin dance craze,
courtesy of Los Del Rio."
[ Laughter ]
And then a bunch of people said,
"Your Dennis Miller sounds like, 'A,' Mike Lindell,
'B,' Paul Lynde."
[ Laughter ]
Which immediately gave me an idea for a new character.
Paul Lyndell...
[ Laughter ]
...who would be the center square, you know --
Tic Tac Toe? Was that the name of the show?
-"Hollywood Squares." -"Hollywood Squares."
So you'd have Paul Lyndell.
You know, the host would say,
"According to Reader's Digest,
what's the worst thing a man can come home
and find his wife doing?"
And then it would cut to, uh, you know, Paul Lyndell,
and he's say "Hugo Chavez!"
[ Snickering laugh ]
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to try to re-audition for "SNL."
I said "Appalaychan." It's "Appalatchan."
I called NFL player Carl "Naseeb" -- It's Carl Nassib.
And I said -- This, twice this week.
Steven Seagal, I called him Steven "Saygal."
And that one's a bummer, because I realize
I've seen more Steven Seagal movies than Clark Gable movies,
and I don't call him Clork Gerbel.
And, you know, that guy's going through a tough time.
Steven Seagal's going through a tough time.
I said it right, right?
'Cause, you know, he's, like, friends with Putin now,
and, you know, he kind of gets dragged in the press right --
Guy's under siege.
And -- Look, and again -- [ Laughter ]
You can criticize him for what he does.
He's not above the law.
But, you know, he shouldn't be marked for death.
And so I, you know, this is my show,
and we're making an executive decision
not to make fun of the guy anymore,
'cause I'm not out for justice.
[ Laughter ]
That's not me.
I have a light.
I'm a glimmer man.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh, I talked about my Pixar movie,
and I have very good updates
on my World War II Pixar movie about
American chickens who go undercover in Germany.
But -- And again, this goes back to the benefits
of having international viewership --
Germans said, "Hey, right off the bat,
the Germans would know these are American chickens,"
because Germany, they do not sell eggs by the dozen.
10 at a time.
And I was going to call it "The Dirty Dozen," so that's out.
So now it's either "The Great Eggscape"
or "Force Hen from Navarone."
[ Laughter ]
I also talked about the fact that it -- Again, go back.
I don't want to re-explain the plot to you.
Just go back and watch the last "Corrections."
[ Laughter ]
Okay. So, I talked about how at the very end,
before the German captain cuts off the head of the rooster,
the American rooster, who has outed himself
by saying cock-a-doodle-doo instead of kee-kee-ree-kee --
So, the German captain,
right before he cuts off the rooster's head,
the rooster winks to his -- his companions.
Uh, roosters can't wink, I was told.
They have -- They have a top and a bottom eyelid that close,
but only when they sleep.
They have a third translucent eyelid.
It's like a -- It's a nictitating membrane
that wipes --
It wipes the -- the eye when it needs it.
So that's, like, an interesting fact
if you're ever trying to... clear out a dinner party.
[ Laughter ]
So now I can't -- I have this really emotional moment
at the end of the film where, you know, the rooster winks,
and now I know that roosters can't wink, and...
so I have to come up with a different ending for the film.
So, I never said what animal
the German captain was.
It's a walrus.
And I think originally when I pitched it,
people had kind of hoped it would be another farm animal
just for consistency. But I said, well, the thing is,
walruses are, like, an animal with a mustache.
And I think it'd be really fun for the kids
to see a walrus with a Hitler mustache.
[ Laughter ]
And so, you know, the Pixar people,
they mocked it up and said, "Well, something like this?"
[ Laughter ]
And then, like, you know how they've been doing,
like, a lot of live-action stuff,
like a live-action "Jungle Book,"
you know, a live-action "Lion King"?
They would do it with the walrus,
and then it would look like this.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, the walrus...
was going to cut off the head of --
Oh, I should also mention the character's name
is Christoph Waltzrus.
[ Laughter ]
And, so, Christoph Waltzrus says to the rooster,
he's like, "I will see you in hell!"
and then cuts off his head.
And then he turns to the hens
who are on a hill in Allied territory,
and he goes, "And I will find each and every one of you!
I will chase you down!"
And he's giving this real speech,
and it's a -- it's a tight shot of this walrus, right?
And then he's talking --
So it's like this, you know? He's talking to the hens,
and he's like, "I will find you!"
And then all of a sudden, he just stops,
and he's like [Gurgles]
You know that thing in movies where, like, people die
and, like, blood starts immediately
coming out of their mouth and it's like [Gurgles]
then the walrus' head just, like, slides off its body.
And you see behind it
that the rooster whose head has been cut off,
using the chicken's magic power of being able to run around,
has picked up the ax,
and its headless body
has cut off the head of the walrus.
And, so, anyway, I think it'll be fun for kids.
[ Laughter ]
Lastly -- Were a lot of -- In "Corrections" this week,
there were a lot of Corrections people
correcting the correctors,
like, saying that Baze was right.
Like, there are cheat codes in "Metal Gear Solid."
Some people were even backing up Sal on his coffee stuff.
And another one was,
we mentioned Finland having mountains.
People said there are no mountains in Finland.
We corrected ourselves, and then people said
there actually are some mountains in Finland.
And -- And nothing's worse
than when the jackals attack the jackals.
So just try to find common ground, guys.
It's you against me. It's not you against each other.
But there is -- There are some Finnish mountains.
And this was a very interesting story.
There's one called Halti.
Hope I'm saying that right.
I mean, I don't really...
care that much, but...
Halti is on the Norwegian-Finnish border.
And a few years ago, the people of Norway,
some people said, "Hey, for Finland's centenary,
we're going to move our border 200 meters,
and then the entire mountain will belong to Finland,"
which seems like -- And what a nice gift.
And then they changed their mind.
And I thought, I know somebody like that in my life,
who -- who is like that with gifts.
It's Mikey the Shoe,
who's a terrible gift giver.
A few years ago for Christmas,
you know, we give each other gifts, and...
I got him a beautiful gift.
Beautiful gold --
a goblet engraved with his name.
And then he came into my room,
and he gave me a pair of, like, um,
fingerless gloves,
just, like, ratty,
brown fingerless gloves.
And he was like, "Oh, do you like it?"
And I was like, "No, I don't like it at all."
He goes, "Why don't you like it?"
And I said, "I just don't like fingerless gloves."
And then -- And again, shame on me, right?
Like, everything he does is leading to upset me.
And instead, I just go, "I don't like fingerless gloves,"
and then what do you think he does?
He goes, "Well, I got you a couple of fingers, too!"
For Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
Well [Chuckles] two-week hiatus.
We love you all dearly.
We do enjoy this time together.
And -- And we will see you in July.
Stay safe, friends.