Today is Spotify Wrapped day.
Yeah.
[cheering]
Yeah, the day that Spotify looks at our music
and reminds us that we're all a basic bitch.
[laughter]
And, you know, I was thinking, thank god Tinder doesn't do
a year-end wrapup just to remind
you of all the terrible decisions
you made on desperate nights.
It's like, wow, I dated a lot of people with pet snakes
this year.
In international news, the United Nations has officially
added the French baguette to the UNESCO World Heritage
list, which is cool, but it's another reminder
that the United Nations really needs to eat lunch
before making big decisions.
It's like, should we give Chinese food a seat
on the Security Council?
I'm so hungry.
And you would think that this is great.
I hear some of you clapping.
Oh, yeah, I love baguettes.
But, remember, now it's protected by the UN.
Yeah, so now every time you try and take
a bite out of a baguette, a peacekeeper is going
to jump out and kick your ass.
It's like, pow, stop that shit!
Meanwhile, in presidential news,
Joe Biden's Secret Service detail had a bit of a scare
recently when five cars they had rented suddenly
burst into flames after they were
returned to Hertz rent a car .
Yeah, now the good news is Biden has
got full coverage insurance.
The bad news is Senate Republicans blocked it.
So he's going to need to borrow some money from Kamala now.
But my question is, why is the Secret Service
even renting cars from Hertz?
Am I the only person who was thrown by that?
Like, what happens if the SUV they want isn't there?
What?
Now the president is rocking up to a state dinner
in a Hyundai.
Is that how it's going to work?
Oh, and while we're talking about things exploding,
experts say the United States is now facing a shortage
of bomb-sniffing dogs.
Yeah, which probably explains how
Morbius made it into theaters.
And it makes sense when you think about it.
You know?
Of course, this was always going to happen.
If you had the choice of being a bomb-sniffing dog
or a drug-sniffing dog, what would you choose?
[laughter]
Huh?
What would you choose?
[applause]
So simple.
Yeah, option A, you might explode.
Option B, free cocaine.
I mean--
[cheering]
It is hard for us humans, though, because now
you know what this means.
We're going to have to resort to bomb-sniffing cats.
And their noses are good.
They can figure out where the bombs are.
But they just won't tell us about it.
Yeah.
The cat will be there like, I have nine lives, bitch.
Not my problem.
Meow.
[applause]
All right, let's move on to some
of the biggest stories of the day,
starting with the 2022 midterms.
And I know what you're saying right now.
You're like, but, Trevor, the midterms are over.
I killed them.
I watched them die.
Well, you thought you did.
But you never took a headshot.
And after you left, the midterms
busted out of the dirt.
And now they're back.
Because down in Georgia they're just a few days away
from a runoff between incumbent Senator Raphael Warnock
and the reason you're pulling your son out
of football, Herschel Walker.
And we're going to tell you all about the latest
updates in another installment of Votedemic 2022.
[music playing]
[applause]
There is now less than one week to go until the Georgia
runoff election.
And, once again, Herschel Walker
is battling controversies.
First of all, he might not even live in the state
that he's trying to represent.
Yeah, according to new reports, the Georgia home
that he's claimed as his residence
has actually been rented out for years.
Yeah, and, apparently, Walker even admitted in a speech
earlier this year that he lives in Texas, which I was shocked
about because I did not think Herschel Walker knew the names
of two different states.
This was really impressive.
[applause]
And I know.
I know this might piss some people off.
But when you think about it, this
just proves that Herschel Walker
views Georgians as family.
Because he's never around them.
And, of course-- of course, there's
the other problem for Herschel Walker,
which is that every time he speaks, things go wrong.
For instance, Walker was recently at a campaign stop,
giving his views on the border.
And in his speech, he's trying to explain why he will build
Donald Trump's border wall, but in a way
that only Herschel Walker can.
He goes on to debunk his own argument about a wall,
and then takes us on a wild ride
that somehow involves his dog.
[laughter]
I'm sorry, what?
Did this man just win an argument with himself?
Because he's like, I think his plan is to what?
Build a border wall so that he can trap
immigrants inside America.
Is that what he's doing?
(IMITATING WALKER) You see, once they get in,
they can't get out.
Then they've got to get a job and raise
a family, settle down, and that's how we get them.
Yeah!
[laughter]
It's almost like-- it's almost like--
[applause]
It's almost like Walker started out talking about border
security, and then ended up telling everyone
how to break into his house.
And, personally, I don't think he
needs a wall because the hardest part about breaking
into Herschel Walker's house is figuring out
which state it's in. (IMITATING WALKER)
[laughs] Joke's on you.
I actually live in Kansas, Hawaii.
[laughs] Yeah.
But let's move on to some news from social media.
Ever since Elon Musk pranked himself
into buying Twitter for $44 billion,
he has been trying to reshape the entire website
according to what he likes.
He's brought back thousands of suspended accounts.
He's made it easier to get a blue checkmark.
And now any number you tweet is automatically changed to 69.
Yeah.
You post that your dad only has three days left.
Now he has 69.
Nice.
[laughs] Rest in peace, but nice.
But Elon's biggest promise is that under his leadership
Twitter is completely open for free speech
no matter how wrong that speech might be.
REPORTER: A potentially dangerous new change
on Twitter, the social media site
is no longer enforcing its policy
against COVID misinformation.
REPORTER: Twitter suspended more than 11,000 accounts
for breaking the policy and removed almost 100,000
pieces of content between January of 2020
and September of 2022.
And Musk is promising to restore
many previously banned Twitter accounts as soon as this week.
REPORTER: Health experts are concerned that it could
diminish efforts to stop the spread of the virus
and could discourage vaccinations.
OK, look, maybe this is my vaccine microchip talking,
but I don't think it's responsible for Twitter
to bring back the people who are spreading
COVID misinformation.
But, on the other hand-- on the other hand, it is 2022.
Like, how can you still be misinformed about COVID?
You know?
Were you just running around like,
I heard the vaccine turns you into a lizard.
Mother-Mother-[bleep],, it's been three years.
Do you see any lizards?
You see any lizards here?
[cheering]
They're probably hiding.
And forget COVID for a second.
It's crazy that anyone would go to Twitter
for any medical information.
People should be going to the doctor for this stuff.
But because no one can afford a doctor in America,
people are out here searching hashtag #BumpOnMyDick
and hoping to find a cure.
Like, cocaine on my penis, that's
not what I was looking for.
Anyway, let's move on to some news
coming out of San Francisco.
Like many big cities, San Francisco has been struggling
to get crime under control.
And if you're thinking, oh, it's San Francisco.
What are they doing, prescribing
all the criminals CBD oil?
No.
I mean, yes, but not just that.
They also have more hardcore solution.
REPORTER: New this morning, San Francisco officials
voted to allow city police to have
remote-controlled robots that could use deadly force
in extreme situations.
Critics of the decision say it militarizes
San Francisco's police.
But city supervisor Rafael Mandelman,
who voted in favor of the robots,
said that the killer machines would only
be used if lives are at stake.
REPORTER: SFPD said they don't have prearmed robots.
And they don't plan to arm the ones they do have with guns.
Assistant Chief David Lazar said they could deploy robots
equipped with explosives.
Wait, wait.
What? What?
They're not going to arm the robots.
They're just going to give them explosives.
That is much worse.
[laughter]
Who came out with that PR statement?
Don't worry, people.
The robots aren't going to have guns.
They're just going to be suicide bombers, OK?
Calm down.
Everyone's going.
This is such a bad idea.
Do you know how often robots make mistakes?
Can you imagine if Siri had a bomb?
Just like, hey, Siri, play 21 Savage.
Now killing your family.
No!
Wait, which members of my family?
But still, no!
But let's talk about it.
Now, to be clear, just so we're on the same page,
the robots will not actually be deciding
when to use deadly force.
All right?
There will still be trained human police officers
on the remote-control trigger.
So don't worry.
It's still going to be mostly Black people that get killed.
And it's wild-- it's wild how cities
can always find money for high-tech gadgets for cops.
But when it comes to investigating or, like,
investing in long-term solutions that
might actually fix the problems,
then their pockets are empty. Have you noticed that?
Yeah.
They're like, oh, yeah, robot money, we got that.
We got that.
People asking, you're like, wait, you're building robots
that are police with bombs?
Can we do something about, like, the homeless people?
They're like, oh, yeah, the robots can blow them up too.
Yeah, we can handle that.
It makes no sense.
But that's it for the headlines.
Before we go, let's check in on the traffic with our very
own Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.
[cheering]
What's happening, Africa?
TREVOR NOAH: It's craziness, Roy.
Yeah.
TREVOR NOAH: Absolute craziness.
Yeah.
Good time.
Hello.
Yeah.
Traffic.
Yup, what's happening in the traffic?
I mean, you see the traffic.
Some people out there.
Some people at home.
They ain't out there.
That's how it is.
Hell, they need to get a robot to do this shit.
This what need to be automated.
Also, man, I don't know why everybody
is so worried about these robot cops, man.
Because truth be told, this ain't the first time
that this happened.
There was a robot cop program in Detroit
back in the late '80s.
And it was a robot officer.
He took down a heinous drug dealer
named Clarence Boddicker.
But, ultimately, the program got
scrapped because the robot thought he was a real person
on some Pinocchio shit.
So they had to stop that.
[laughter]
Roy, that was RoboCop.
Yes.
Yes, that was RoboCop, whose real
name was officer Alex J. Murphy, who
was shot in the line of duty.
And they turned him into the RoboCop.
No, no, Roy.
Roy, that's not a true story.
That was a movie.
You bullshitting.
[laughter]
TREVOR NOAH: It was a movie.
Oh, OK, well, if you say so, man.
But, anyway, I don't know why everybody
is assuming that the robots are going to be bad.
Why do you assume that the robot
cops are going to be bad?
If anything, the robot cops will
get all of the-- the-- the messed up cops off the street.
I ain't scared of no robot cop. You scared.
You scared. TREVOR NOAH: Of the robots?
You're scared of a robot cop?
You're not scared of a robot cop?
No, I'm not scared of no robot cop, man.
Half of these robots don't even recognize Black people.
I can't get the sink faucet to turn on.
TREVOR NOAH: What are you talking about?
Robots don't recognize Black people.
I can't get water out the sink.
The facial recognition don't see me.
Bring on the robot cops because maybe
now Black people will finally be invisible to the police.
I'm with it.
[cheering]
I'm perfectly fine with that.
Black people are invisible to the police,
and now, finally, we can commit our crimes in peace
just like like white folks.
[laughter]
But you want the traffic though.
You want the traffic.
Yeah, let's do the traffic, Roy.
Yeah, this thing with the bomb dogs,
though, this is a question I feel like nobody's
asking about the bomb dogs.
If there is a shortage--
if there is a shortage of bomb-sniffing dogs,
shouldn't you shut your ass up about it and not tell anybody?
Shouldn't you not tell anybody?
[applause]
Just shh.
You just can't let everybody know you ain't
got enough bomb-sniffing dogs.
ISIS at home, watching CBS like, yes, now is the time.
TREVOR NOAH: [laughs]
Plus, you don't need a bomb-sniffing dog.
You just need people to think you got a bomb-sniffing dog.
Just put regular dogs in the airport.
That's all you have to do.
All these dogs up for adoption, put them in the airport.
TREVOR NOAH: It's just in the mind?
Yes, the illusion of security,
that's all you've got to do is make
people think your stuff's-- I got a car.
It ain't got no car alarm.
People walk past my car. I beep, beep!
I make the noise with my mouth.
[laughter]
That's all you gotta do.
Plus, we ain't got to really worry about bomb-sniffing dogs
because let you tell it, the bomb-sniffing dogs
will eventually be replaced by robot dogs, right?
TREVOR NOAH: Yeah, probably.
And then robot dogs will be operated by fully robot cops.
And, eventually, one of those robot cops
will go haywire and kill a bunch of people
because it needed drugs.
And the only way to stop a crazy robot cop
is to get a brave robot cop to jump on the back of that robot
cop and pull off his access panel,
get into the neural cortex, pull out the brain,
and bash the brain on the ground.
[cheering]
That's how you stop the crazy robot cop.
I feel like that's the plot of RoboCop 2.
Yes!
Based on the life of officer Alex J. Murphy!
RoboCop 2 was a brave biopic!
How do you not know this shit, man?
I thought you was educated.
Man, let me just do the traffic, man.
You know what?
Actually, we don't have the time.
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody. - No, no, we got time.