it's been just 24 hours since we last did one of these shows.
Uh, that's not a lot of time.
And yet there are so many things that can happen in the world.
An Olympian can win his 21st gold medal.
A beautiful team of diverse young women
can inspire a planet.
Nations that previously feuded can find common ground.
Oh, and, uh, Donald Trump.
There is always
something about Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is dealing with the fallout
over what many perceived as a threat of violence
against Hillary Clinton.
Hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish,
the Second Amendment.
By the way, and if she gets to pick...
(crowd booing)
...if she gets to pick her judges--
nothing you can do, folks.
(crowd clamoring)
Although the Second Amendment people--
maybe there is, I don't know, but...
Holy (bleep).
No ma... no matter how many times I watch that,
I still can't believe it.
Donald Trump suggested
that people with guns "do something"
about Hillary.
A statement that has baffled the entire country,
especially the Secret Service,
who must be thinking to themselves,
"Are you (bleep) me right now?"
Yeah, because think about it-- this is the first
presidential campaign in history where the Secret Service
has had to protect candidates from each other.
Think about... Like, it's-it's this Hillary comment
and earlier on, it was the time when
Jeb needed wedgie protection from Trump.
This is one campaign.
This is so serious that even Trump supporters
couldn't believe what they were hearing.
Like, lo-look at the man in the red shirt behind Trump.
Look at his face. Yeah.
You see that face?
That's the old white guy equivalent
of "Oh, no, he didn't."
That man is shocked.
Trump supporters are shocked.
Do you know how hard it is to shock a Trump su...
These are the same people who've heard their candidate
say "bing, bing, bong, bong" and thought to themselves,
"That's what we need in the White House."
They are shocked.
And now, after that speech, Donald Trump said that
everyone in the room understood what he meant.
The only problem is he's not running for president
of that room.
And so everyone outside of the room
is trying to figure out what the hell he meant.
REPORTER:
It's very clear what Donald Trump was implying.
Wreck violence against Hillary Clinton.
He didn't call for Hillary Clinton to be assassinated.
-Maybe trying to make a joke. -It's not a joke.
You're not gonna use the joke defense.
-MAN: It's fairly clear. -I'm not confused.
He wasn't talking about implementation of policy.
He was talking about what would happen if Hillary Clinton
were to be elected, and he was absolutely right.
I'm speechless because I'm trying to follow your
logic here, Katrina, and I'm having...
I'm having a hard time.
Well, you see, uh, that's your first mistake,
trying to combine logic with the Trump campaign.
Yeah, you know who doesn't do that?
Donald Trump.
He just rides the wave of crazy and sees where it takes him.
"Mexicans did the moon."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know, it just felt right."
So-so, in this... in this, uh, situation,
there's two basic schools of thought:
either this was a wry comment
about shooting a future president
or it was a call to voter action.
And no one can agree.
Was it a joke or was it serious?
And you know what I realized today,
I realized that this is the Dress.
It's the Dress all over again.
Yeah, you guys remember the Dress.
You remember that.
We were all seeing the exact same thing.
But we couldn't agree on what color it was.
Because obviously it was white and gold,
but then half of the planet saw it as blue and black
'cause they had, like, a brain tumor or something.
And that dress almost destroyed the world.
I remember the pain.
Families were torn apart.
There are friends who still don't speak to this day
because of that dress.
I even gave my baby away.
"Dada, Dada, blue and black."
You're not my son.
The point is,
every time Donald Trump speaks, it's the Dress.
We're all trying to figure out what the hell it is.
And no one can agree, which is entertaining
for an Instagram meme,
but it's not good for a commander in chief.
One of the most basic qualities of a president
is that we know what they mean.
The last thing you need, the last thing you need
is a foreign leader going, "Is-is he... is he nuking us?
"Is-is he nuking... Unless it was a joke,
"but, I mean, no-no president would ever joke about nukes.
"W-Would they? Would they? Is that...
"Well, I-I don't know. I mean, better safe than sorry.
I mean, just..."
Why would you... why would you... I mean, now-now...
Now, normally-normally politicians
only get to have interpreters when they're traveling overseas.
But Donald Trump, he needs one for his own country.
The Trump campaign responded to the backlash
with a statement titled "On dishonest media."
REPORTER:
"Second Amendment people have amazing spirit
"and are tremendously unified,
"which gives them great political power.
And this year, they will be voting in record numbers."
Oh, of course. It all makes sense now.
The Second Amendment people have an extremely powerful weapon,
votes.
Which they shoot out of their guns!
And you know what, I'm not buying this.
I believe Donald Trump
Yeah. And then because of the backlash,
his team is trying to play it off as something else.
But I know a joke when I see one.
More importantly, I know a stand-up comedian
when I see one.
Yeah, because I'm a stand-up comedian.
Donald Trump is a stand-up comedian.
You see it every single time he's on the stage.
He riffs, he roasts, you know, he does some impersonations.
He's a stand-up comedian. It's just you've never looked at it
that way before.
I'm not eating Oreos anymore, you know that.
But neither is Chris.
You're not eating Oreos anymore.
Anthony Weiner, you know, the little bing, bing, bing,
bong, bong.
I never attacked him on his look,
and, believe me, there's plenty of subject matter right there.
It moves this way.
It moves that way.
What would you want your Secret Service code name to be?
-Humble. -(laughter)
Here's the problem with Rubio, when you sweat that much...
The guy walks in and he's soaking wet and sweating.
"Hello. Hello, can I have some water?"
It's Rubio!
(laughter)
You see?
-You see? -(cheering and applause)
He's a comedian. He's a stand-up comedian.
We were all spending so much time focusing on his racism
and sexism and xenophobia and threats to democracy
that we missed all the jokes!
And there's a reason we missed all the jokes,
because they weren't in the place where jokes belong.
Because if you take the things that Donald Trump has said
and you put them in a comedy setting,
then it makes a bit more sense.
TRUMP: If she gets to pick
her judges... nothing you can do, folks.
(indistinct, overlapping shouting)
Although the second amendment people,
maybe there is. I don't know.
(laughter, cheering)
Oh! (laughs)
-Oh! -(applause and cheering)
You see, it works.
It works. Although...
Okay, although, although, let's be honest here.
There would never be black people at a Trump show,
-but still it works. It works. -(laughter)
So look, Trump may be a standup comedian.
The only problem is
Trump supporters are not a comedy audience.
Because for some reason, they think
that they've come to see someone who wants to run the country,
and they are not joking around.
-MAN: Yeah. Yeah. -(audience cheering)
MAN: Obama doesn't...
-The sound wooo!... -(laughter)
...sucks the gravitas out of any moment.
(laughter)
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
-Wooo! -(laughter)
-(applause and cheering) -Doesn't work.
Under... undermines everything you're trying to say.
You see... you see, here's the thing, people.
Donald Trump and his team can say,
"Those are just words. Those are just words."
And they're right-- they are just words.
Like, remember the time Trump said these words?
So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato,
knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously.
(Trump audience cheering and whistling)
Just words, right?
And then, about five weeks later,
somebody said these words.
MAN:
appeared to be sucker punched by a Trump supporter.
You see, when you're a presidential candidate
with a passionate group of supporters,
people tend to listen to you.
So here's what I think we need to do with Donald Trump.
We need to put him away.
We need to put him away
in some underground windowless room, right?
-MAN: Yeah! -That's what we need to do.
(cheers and applause)
And then, and then...
we need to build a wall.
(laughter)
An exposed brick wall with a mic and a crowd,
where he can kill, just not people.
And you know what?
I think if that wall kept him focused on comedy
and out of the White House,
then that's a wall that I'm sure Mexico