- I'm dressed like this because I'm dating a young guy
and I have to look like a Pickachu at all times.
I'm at the age now where I realize
that I don't have to worry about being sex trafficked,
is that even a thing, right?
I don't, I really don't, but maybe.
My mom's always concerned
that somebody's going to try to rape and kill me,
because she thinks I'm a star.
But, like I'm not,
I feel bad for some of you girls,
like if they sex trafficked me,
it would just be to cook for the rest of the victims.
My days would be light.
Obviously I'm from New York,
or I live in New York,
I'm from Maryland,
but I live in New York, and I flew here.
I hate flying.
Flying is like, it's one of the worst things.
We have to do it a lot as comics,
and so I get high a lot or you know I eat.
We had a really bad flight recently,
and you know when the flights bad
when the flight attendant sits the fuck down.
When Brenda sits down you better start prayin',
like this shit,
like bitch why you bucklin' up?
Are we okay?
Do I need a parachute?
Because nobody really knows like,
I realized this last flight,
I don't know what to do in the event of an emergency.
We all think we do, 'cause we watch the bitch
do the little Broadway musical at the beginning, right?
Where she's like dancin' and shit,
and it's like bitch,
if this is information that I'm suppose to know,
please stop fuckin' dancin'
and just tell me what the fuck to do.
Okay so they just had a flight recently,
the plane was going down and the masks came down,
and you realize how many people are fucking dumb, right?
Because the masks came down
and somebody took a picture
of everybody with the mask, right?
Because when you're about to die
you want to put it on Instagram.
So, the masks come down
and nobody was wearing the shit
where they were suppose to wear it.
You got to put it on your fuckin' breathing place.
Right?
You got to put it here.
It was motherfuckers wearin' it like googles.
Somebody was wearing like a birthday hat,
like well I'm the fuck out of here, happy birthday.
Like I was like, what the fuck are they doing?
I hate turbulence, I hate turbulence.
So I always check on my exits,
they tell you you got to check your exit.
Check your exit, where's your exit?
And you think you know where your exit is,
and then they go, well just in case
you think you know, the closest one may be behind you.
It's like well bitch,
I'm in comfort plus so if I got to go back to coach,
I'm just going to die.
(laughter)
I'm not going to coach.
I'm determined that if a plane goes down,
first class is just going to detach
from the rest of the poor motherfuckers
and just keep flyin' to Miami.
They don't give a fuck about coach, okay?
Meemaw only flies every ten years,
that bitch has got to go, you understand?
Plane etiquette is also at an all time low.
I was sittin' next to the white bitch and her baby,
And I guess they had money,
because the bitch and the baby had they own seat.
She's foolin' around in the bag and shit,
and she's got hold of the baby,
tryin' to fool around in the bag,
and then she just gets up and pivots
and hands me the fuckin' baby,
because of course I'm a big tittied black woman,
so I got to be the plane nanny.
So she pivots and I'm like,
bitch don't give me your baby, I'm on coke.
Like I don't have time for your fuckin' baby, bitch.
This is not The Help, I will eat this nigga and...
(applause)
Even the baby was like, don't give me to that bitch.
It was like, this is not the one, bitch, I don't.
Plane etiquette is fucked up.
Sometimes you get in a fucked up situation on a plane,
you don't know what to do, you don't want to say anything,
and then you like, you get trapped up,
like there was recently this white lady on a plane
and she took a picture of this white nigga,
had his feet over her head.
Do you remember that?
Did you see that picture?
With the, you saw it.
See me and the black lady connected,
because we already know where we goin',
the white people catchin' up, you understand?
They're like, well what was the problem?
(laughter)
So, he got his bare motherfuckin' feet over her damn head,
and she's just being passive aggressive,
she's like, going to be a long flight.
I was like, bitch are you out of your fuckin' mind?
You know already know what we would've did.
Get in your fuckin' purse bitch,
get a lighter and burn this nigga's toes.
What the fuck do you mean, going to be a long flight, bitch?
(laughter, applause)
Short flight for this nigga's feet!
That, what?
Oh I hate people.
I hate it, I hate.
You know 'cause people always think I'm nice and shit
'cause I wear bright colors, and I have dimples, but like,
I'm a raging bitch on the inside, you have no,
'cause I've been nice for like 30 years
and I'm tired, you know?
Like I used to be a skinny white bitch from Maryland,
I just I'm so tired of being nice
all the fucking time!
Like I got into a fight with this old bitch
at Golden Corral a couple months ago, okay?
Wait, wait, it was her fault.
It was!
So I went to Golden Corral with my mom and my grandfather,
then my grandfather he, you know, he's elderly
so he's in a wheelchair he wears the pants,
he's blind, he can't see, he got dementia and shit.
So I was like I don't even know why the fuck we takin' him,
we should just leave him here,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Just tell him he went, 'cause he not going to eat.
But we had to take him because the law requires it.
I know it sounds insensitive,
but it's a lot 'cause like he's in a wheelchair
we got to pack him up like robot,
you know, Transformers robots in disguise and shit.
And then we got to plug him like a cellphone
everywhere we go, so it's like a lot on the energy.
So we get to Golden Corral.
Now my grandfather takes a shit,
now we at Golden Corral,
so nobody move cause we was like
it already stinks in here, you know what I'm sayin', like?
He can sit in this for awhile,
but then it started to mix with the mashed potatoes.
I had to change him because we draw straws in the mornin',
and I fucked up.
(laughter)
So now I got to wheel this nigga to the bathroom, right?
And I told my mother, I said why don't you just do it?
You're used to.
I've never changed him in public,
I've done it in the house, but not in public.
I was like, mom just do it.
She was like, no, God chose you.
Cause she's a asshole.
So now I got to wheel him, it's very difficult,
he's in a wheelchair, he's a big dude,
I'm tryin' to push him and push him.
You know nobody's comin' out of the bathroom,
I'm waitin' for somebody to come out,
nothing's happenin', I'm pushin' against the door,
his head keeps bangin' and shit,
it looks like elderly abuse.
So I just go around, I kick the door open,
and then as the door was open,
I just flung the nigga in there.
So you know he zoomed in there
and then there was a old bitch, and she was like,
oh my God, help, help, help,
there's a man in here, somebody help me.
So I run in like, where's the man?
Even my grandfather in the wheelchair goin',
man, there's a man in here, where the man at?
This nigga ain't talked in three weeks,
there's a man, there's a man in here?
And then I look at this bitch,
this bitch is pointing at my grandfather going,
him, him, he shouldn't be in here,
what if he does something?
I said bitch, if your pussy that good
to get this nigga out the wheelchair...
(laughter, applause)
You need to put your pussy on the Nasdaq
and make America great again,
because bitch we need you.
(applause)
Him, him, him.
Ugh, I'm so sick of them, sick.
Sick!
Now I got to deal with my mom,
my mom's callin' me, my mom wants to come visit me,
I can't, like I love my mother, I really do,
I'm so grateful she gave me life,
but if I could like not talk to her for the next 30 years,
I just feel like our relationship would just be so much,
because you know my mother at this point
where she calls me with nonsense all the fuckin' time.
She has this new thing in her life
where she calls me and she plays this game
called guess who died.
Now, I don't know how many of your mothers do it,
but this is how guess who died goes.
It's never anybody you give a fuck about or you know, right?
It's always like remember the bitch that gave you
a chicken wing, when you was six months?
No I don't, but bury the bitch with some KFC on my behalf,
I don't know her.
My mother called me, guess who died?
I was like, I don't want to play this fucked up Hasbro game.
You know what I'm sayin',
it aint goin nowhere bitch, who died?
So she goes, well you remember Ms. Smith?
I said, yeah.
Oh my God, Ms. Smith died?
She goes, no, no, no Ms. Smith's fine,
but remember the little boy she used to watch
in the summertime with the big head?
I was like, yeah Chuckie, Chuckie died?
She goes, no, no, no but remember the little girl
with the barrettes he used to play with?
I said, yeah, Angela, Angela died?
She goes, no, no, no Angela's fine,
but Chuckie and Angela had a baby.
I was like, damn the baby died?
She was like, no but the baby had a hamster,
they said the hamster died.
So I, I can't deal with her,
I just, let's go, I can't, I can't.
so that's my mother.
So here's my mother's thing,
she wants to come visit me,
I can't take my mother,
like I don't want my mother to visit.
She visited me a couple months ago,
she stayed for two weeks,
it was too long, too long.
She stayed, I just wanted to show her the city,
I wanted to take her out,
show her the city have a good time,
you know find her a man
so she can get off my fuckin' back.
So she didn't want to do that because
there was a Lifetime movie marathon happening,
you understand?
My mother loves Lifetime.
Women here that watch Lifetime by a round of applause.
(scattered claps)
Okay four bitches that have low self-esteem.
I never watch the network.
All I know is their slogan is
they're a network for women,
so I thought my mother and I were going to bond over some
like women empowerment shit, you know what I'm sayin'?
I thought it was going to be women
like cutting niggas dicks off.
You know, like chewing balls and shit.
You know, free bleeding on the grass.
I was like yo, we about to do this shit!
So I buckle in.
I should have known that it was going to be some bullshit,
'cause my mother started knitting during it.
We watched like 9,000 movies,
this all the same fucking movie, you understand?
All they do is change the bitch's outfit,
they don't even change the script.
It's just like put the bitch,
same script, just change her clothes and shit, right?
So it's always some bitch named Amber, okay,
that's how it goes.
It's a bitch named Amber.
And Amber's a small town bitch, and you know this
because they start the movie off with a little
population sign and it says 10.
And then when the bitch leave
they cross the 10 out and they put a nine.
Now Amber, she's a small town bitch,
so she's like I'm tired of this,
I want to be a big time bitch,
so she moves to New York City, understand?
'Cause she wants to be big time.
And so this how she moves to New York City.
They put the bitch on like a mega bus.
They do, they put her on a fucking mega bus,
she have like a white hat on and a white dress
and a little white suitcase with a little ribbon and shit,
and she gets off the bus, she's like
I'm here, and it's like oh, bitch you about to get raped.
You understand?
(laughter)
Amber works hard, she works hard
for like seven years this bitch works hard non stop
and she becomes a CEO in New York City,
and you like damn, that bitch is good,
you know what I'm saying?
She done came here and did her shit
and now she got to go back home to visit her family and shit
for the holiday, they always going back for holiday,
it's Christmas, it's Easter, it's Hanukah, it's 9/11,
the bitch got to go back.
So she comes back to her home, and I'm just,
I'm watching the movie, I'm like
oh, they going to be so proud of this bitch.
This little small town bitch, she done became a CEO,
like they going to throw a parade for this bitch,
be like yeah, you done put Bippity Bop Land
on the map, bitch!
I'm waiting for it!
She comes back, they barely acknowledge the bitch,
you understand?
She comes back, they're like oh, Amber's back.
And then they go back to milking cows
or whatever the fuck they do, right?
So Amber's confused, she's like
hello guys, hi, I'm a CEO in New York City.
And she got these big ass shoulder pads,
'cause they not able to show you New York City
'cause they can't afford it,
so they just put her in shoulder pads
and she walks around like concerned and shit,
that's how you know she makin' money,
and she's signing paperwork and just, you know.
Big times.
So she's like I'm back, I have shoulder pads,
and they like yeah, whatever,
you ain't got no husband.
And I started thinking to myself, oh my God,
they not going to, this not the narrative of this movie
that this bitch who's a CEO in New York City
with six figures of shoulder pads,
she ain't doing shit 'cause she ain't got no husband.
But that's what Lifetime will let you know.
She ain't doing shit 'cause she ain't got no husband.
First of all, let me just tell you ladies right now,
you don't have to have a fucking husband, you understand?
If you making six figures of shoulder pads
you can buy dick, all right?
I'm just letting you know.
I'm just letting you know it's for sale.
(applause)
And also, P.S., there's a show called 600 Pound Life,
every bitch on there is 600 pounds,
and they all got a man.
So if you don't have a man it might be your pussy,
you understand, 'cause like these bitches,
they can't even find they pussy
and they got a nigga tryin' to fuck them in it,
so I'm just saying, you might have
to step your pussy game up.
Now they barely acknowledge the bitch,
Amber is so upset, she's like
I don't know, I don't know,
what happened, what happened?
Maybe they're right, maybe I do need a husband.
Maybe I do need a man.
So she starts to cry, you understand,
she's crying and now she's singing
because that's what they think women do to problem solve.
We start crying and Kick Ball Changing down the street.
And so now she's singing and dancing and all this shit.
She wanders into an abandoned building.
Well, it's not 100% abandoned because there's a man there.
And you don't get to see the man fully,
you just see his ass crack because he's fixing an elevator.
And she takes one look at his ass crack
and she goes, that's my husband.
Okay, let me just take a break,
'cause I'm not getting the response I want,
and I know it's a lot of women in here,
and you with your man, and you like uh-oh,
here come this woman empowerment shit,
and you sitting next to this nigga,
I don't know what she's talking about,
I love making cookies,
but you understand like,
the bitch is a CEO in New York City
making six figures with shoulder pads,
and they about to give her the elevator nigga?
(laughter)
They don't do this in a man's movie.
In a man movie he get like some tall blonde
who can't speak 'cause that's every man's fantasy
is like some hot bitch that can't respond to his foolishness
but in a women's movie she get the elevator nigga.
And now they see that she's in love with the elevator,
first of all, it's only nine people in town,
he don't need to fix no elevator,
nobody goes upstairs, so he's barely working.
So now they take a look at her and they go,
oh, Amber, this the love of your life now,
you better stay here, you got to stay here,
you got to give up your shit in New York City,
you got to stay here and be the elevator nigga bitch wife.
You got to give up your shoulder pads,
stay here and be the elevator nigga bitch wife.
And now Amber's like oh, my God, oh my God,
what do I do?
Do I stay?
Do I go?
And the whole time my mother's watching the movie like,
is she going to stay?
I was like ma, I don't know,
but you got to get the fuck out of my house.
What do you mean is she going to stay?
This is the love of her life.
I said ma, she's a CEO in New York City
with shoulder pads making six figures.
She's not giving that up to stay here
and be the elevator nigga bitch wife, you understand?
She's going to go back to New York City
and if she wants she can take this nigga with her
'cause New York is where all the elevators are,
he can be the elevator nigga bitch there.