We all experience moments where we feel like the world is against us somehow. Sometimes
that feeling lingers for a long time, other times it hits us like a storm, only to pass
a brief moment later. Although we can’t always seem to trace what’s causing us to
feel that way, sometimes, we can:
We might be falling behind at work; our relationships may seem fragile, leaving us feeling confused;
we may carry the burden of the issues of our family, making us feel frustrated; we might
not get enough exercise in, so we worry about our health; unfortunate events from our past
may keep haunting our present; perhaps we keep letting the wrong people into our lives
which makes us question our judgment.
And on top of all of that, you keep stubbing our toe against that darn coffee table, and
the eggs smell weird this morning. And so, we’re left wondering why everything seems
to be going smoothly for others, while for us, it isn’t. “I thought I had signed
up for the life-that-always-goes-smoothly-with-no-issues. I’d like a refund, please.”
Self-pity—defined so eloquently by the good ole Oxford dictionary as “…excessive,
self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles.” Not very sexy, is it? In fact, deeply unattractive,
which I think is one of the reasons why we don’t really like talking about it. No one
wants to recognize nor admit to themselves or to anyone else that they’ll occasionally
curl up in bed, feeling deeply sorry for themselves.
Now, why even bother having this conversation? Besides the joy I find in tackling somewhat
uncomfortable topics such as this one, I think it’s important to shed some light on it,
so that we can learn to recognize this behavior both in ourselves and in others, because I
know from personal experience how destructive self-pity can be, and I’m going to share
a bit of a personal story on that later in the video.
This conversation is not an attempt to address depression or any other mental illness; I’m
simply going to share my personal thoughts on the occasional self-pity that most people
experience at some point, based on my experiences and what I’ve read on this topic.
I’m going to be using the words “feeling sorry for yourself” and “self-pity”
and “victim mentality” somewhat interchangeably. And my use of the word victim will not mean
an actual victim of any sort but rather a person who adopts a victim mentality; those
are two separate things. Being a victim does not mean you have victim mentality and having
victim mentality does not mean you’re a victim.
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is
addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” –John Gardner
Self-pity may look different for different people. Personally, I like to put it on a
spectrum:
On one end is the person who indulges in their own self-pity, I call that person the solo
pity party host, or SPP. This person doesn’t try to involve nor affect anyone else; there’s
no want for attention or sympathy from others. It’s all in their own head and they’d
like for it to stay that way.
On the other end, we have the person who elicits pity from other people, I call them the invite
pity party host, or IPP. They will use self-pity as a tool to make others give them attention
and to feel sorry for them. They want to guilt others into taking responsibility for them
and take care of them. They seek out the compassion they should be giving themselves. It sounds
manipulative because it is, whether it’s intentional or not.
Regardless of where we find ourselves on the spectrum, as we indulge in self-pity, we enter
a state of being completely self-absorbed. It’s when we see ourselves, or portray ourselves
to be, helpless, hopeless and defeated. It’s when our own suffering is all we think and
care about, so much that we become oblivious of that of those around us. Examples of things
we may think or say are, “they got lucky, I didn’t”, “they have it so easy, I
have it so hard”, “it’s so unfair” and “no one understands me”.
We’ll draw emotional conclusions instead of rational ones, such as “I didn’t get
the job because I just suck and I’m meant to be miserable” instead of something like
“I didn’t get the job because they found someone who was more suitable, and that’s
okay. I’ll keep looking.”
Now, while we throw pity-parties for different reasons, I’d like to talk about three possible
ones, starting with:
I. Ego
“I don't want it to end, and so, “…as every therapist knows, the ego does not want
an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen
to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for
myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other
people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and
that is all that matters to the ego.”―Eckhart Tolle
We don’t really care for “problem-free” people, in the lack of a better word to describe
people who are, or at least seem to be, free of troubles and hardships. We may even resent
them for it.
Many people fear blending into the masses, we want to have a story worth telling, and
stories like that often entail some kind of suffering. It sells. Not only sells in a literal
sense, but it makes us seem more interesting when we’re out there in the world, because
a person who seems like a victim is considered worthy of attention, comfort and care, unlike
someone who has it easy, or seems to have it easy.
Now sometimes, we hold on to our self-inclined victim narrative, not because we seek comfort
from others, but because we fear what we’ll be left with if we let go of it. Without all
the drama, complaining and problems, who will I be? We all say we want peace and serenity
but do we really, or is part of us afraid life will be boring and uninspiring?
II. To avoid personal responsibility and action
This is where we get into my personal story.
So, once upon a time, a pity party thrower was a big part of my life. This person had
created this narrative for themselves where everything bad in their life was to blame
on someone else, on circumstance or on life itself. They had taken the passenger seat
of their own life and hence let go of any personal accountability. They had the attitude
of “Well, the reason my life is the way it is is because I have bad luck and life
just never works out in my favor.”
And so, I was made to feel like I needed to help them make their situation better, but
my offer to help was met with resistance and empty promises.
They were hosting an invite pity party and I attended, because I didn’t know better
at the time. But truthfully, the pity party isn’t over until the host says it is. You,
as the guest, are powerless. And so, I learned an important lesson, to never take it upon
me to try and help someone who doesn’t truly want to be helped.
III. Self-pity as a defense mechanism
When we indulge in self-pity, we gain a sense of control over our own suffering which can
be comforting. Judging ourselves first before someone else gets the chance can make us feel
protected from the outside world and prepare us for any pain that we may come to face.
It’s having an attitude of “If I’m already at the bottom, no one else or nothing else
can put me there” or “Yeah, I already know I’m a loser, so you telling me that
doesn’t faze me.”
Now, you may be listening to this thinking “well, I do have pain, I do face hardships,
am I not allowed to feel it or talk about it? Is it not valid? Will people think I’m
hosting a pity party?”
Of course we can open up about our emotions with other people, being able to do that is
a crucial part of any relationship. But I think it’s good to sometimes honestly question
your intention.
Now, this is where I want to touch on self-compassion, which is a whole topic on its own, an incredibly
important one:
Unlike pity, with self-compassion we don’t become completely absorbed in our issues,
but rather, we invite a more balanced, objective view of the situation.
We meet our emotions with kindness, just like how we’d respond to someone we care about.
We’d keep our hearts open and extend comfort and care. We take responsibility for ourselves
rather than giving that responsibility up by abandoning ourselves or expecting someone
else to take responsibility for us.
Rather than having an attitude of “The world is against me and I’m being punished”,
to instead think something like “I’m not being punished, everyone goes through hardship.
I’m not alone and I’ll get through this.” Ideally, this is how our default, go-to attitude
would be.
But we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, because after all, humans do have a negativity
bias, and having a paper-perfect response in all situations can be difficult. We all
have moments when we don’t want to be rational, when we don’t want to do the right, best
thing, when all we want to do is to in fact to curl up in bed, left in our misery for
a moment, and that’s okay. Key word here: for a moment. Host your pity party, cry to
a song or two, but know when it’s time to leave.