It was September of 2015 and the world fell in love...
with Pizza Rat.
This determined little rodent served as a symbol of many things to many different people.
Some saw themselves, struggling with dreams so big they seem impossible.
Others saw a reminder of how gross New York City's Subway is.
And for the nerds of the world, A.K.A. me,
I saw Splinter, carrying home a snack for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
*Film Theory Theme*
Hello Internet! Welcome to Game...
Ha ha! It's not Game Theory, It's Film Theory. Ha ha ha!
That's the first time i screwed it up.
Hello Internet! Welcome to Film Theory
The only show on the internet that can talk about Mole People, radioactive isotopes
and kids movies, all in a single episode.
Don't believe me?
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
And so it goes, another summer
another go around with everyone's
favorite radiation infused superhero
no, the other one
no, the OTHER other one
Who is that?!
Okay, let me be more specific here
everyone's favorite superhero who was doused with radioactive chemicals .
Ahhh! it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ok! though it is worth mentioning that the TMNT were
originally meant to be a parody of Daredevil: the devil of Hell's Kitchen.
Why?
To protect the kitchen.
I can totally see the resemblance there since the nineteen eighties this
franchise has been cranking out comics, cartoons, live-action movies, action
figures, and breakfast cereals and nothing has been able to stop it, not
even megan fox's acting. and yet, I have a confession,
in all that time I still can't figure out the proper occasion to use the word
"cowabunga"
one day, one day, this longevity is doubly impressive when you consider that the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has to be one of the weirdest most far-fetched
concepts ever.
I mean really sit there and think about it for giant mutated turtles raised by a
super-intelligent rat in the sewers under New York City become pizza
loving, crime-fighting ninjitsu masters who befriend one of New York
City's most noteworthy television reporters who just so happens to be
totally cool keeping the biggest news story ever a complete secret
seriously April O'Neil where is your journalistic integrity?!
you got like eight Pulitzer prize-winning stories here;
radioactive dumping, super mutants, animals that can talk, the existence of
aliens, a ninja crime syndicate run by a cheese grater!
take your pick! anyway the mini-MatPat at that lives inside my heart desperately
wants the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to be real so, today we're going to
explore how possible these things really are.
and yeah, you may laugh but hey anything can happen in New York: fist fights
between cartoon characters: HAPPENED
Bobafet playing the accordion: HAPPENED
mutant reptiles in the sewers: may have happened
because believe it or not,
there's a pretty convincing argument to be made that all the ingredients to
making the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might exist in the sewer systems of New
York. oh now before you go blowing up the comments, let's all take a breath for a
second address question 1 no I'm not off my medication but thank you for your
concerns and number two
no of course i'm not claiming that the teenage mutant ninja turtles are real
obviously this whole universe is about as fictional as again is there a
nunchuck wielding Terrapin who's going to save you from being module using a
tease slang in downtown Manhattan sadly no with giant mutated piece eating
turtles beneath the city malabon go we're gonna find out
did I do it right now huh
one day one day let's start off pretty simple is it possible that turtles like
the ones we see in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could be in New York City
this one's easy yes according to the tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles comic book series specifically volume to issue number 18 the ninja
turtles are of the red ear slider species fun fact in the wake of the
first TMNT movie released in 1990 England was flooded with so many
red-eared sliders as pets for children that they became an invasive species
that clogged up the waterways
so yeah in an ironic twist the creation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
actually increase the likelihood that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could
exist and that my friends is life imitating art. now to an outsider it
might seem like the only place in New York City that you're going to find a
turtle is in a zoo or at the bottom of a suspicious bowl of soup but in fact
there are red eared sliders living wild in the middle of Manhattan with in
central park there's a large pond where Turtles congregate that is plainly named
the turtle pond. according to the central park conservancy, there are five turtle
species living wild inside that pond the most numerous of which is none other
than the red-eared slider and red eared sliders aren't like betta fish that you
buy one we can flush the next these little guys can live between 50 and 70
years so they're bound to be some teenage turtles and mix check that one
off the list
ok so big deal the right kind of turtle is found in new york city but can you
find them in the sewer system again
it's an easy yes the associated press reported in 1990 that turtles are
commonly found in New York sewers with some large ones up to 50 pounds in
weight tell some of you might argue that in each of the live-action Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles movies
we've seen the turtles and splinter living in fairly spacious underground
dwellings and that nothing like that would even be possible in the sewer
system but a closer look at the movies suggest that Turtles might live
somewhere else underground in the first live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
movie April O'Neill gets mugged by the foot while she's waiting on a subway
platform Rafael fight them off carrying a knocked-out April back to the turtles
hideout, but interestingly he gets there by going down the subway tunnel and while
we see the turtles and what are clearly sewer and drainage pipes there's nothing
there to indicate that their home base is necessarily in the sewer
instead it would make more sense for them to be around an abandoned train
tunnel these tunnels are going to make much better living quarters, much less
susceptible to flooding and much less likely to reek of poop
and there's plenty of proof that people can survive in the abandoned train
tunnels under New York. one of the best pieces of evidence would be the two
thousand documentary dark days which shows an entire underground community
for the homeless in an abandoned train tunnel it's sequestered it's roomy and it can even
get electricity sometimes and it's not like this is a unique thing either
there are literally dozens of unused underground tunnels and train stations
sprinkled throughout New York City
therefore it's plausible that the teenage mutant ninja turtles can find a
subterranean hide out that not only fits their needs but keeps them in the
shadows
you know it's the new movie is out of the shadows anyway at this point we've
got teenage turtles of the right species who could be living under New York but
now for the question that thousands of middle schoolers have asked for ages can
a turtle eat pizza?
yes
red-eared sliders are omnivores and will eat pretty much anything
cowabunga was that right? one day...one day so we have teenage turtles in the New
York sewers who eat pizza
what's left? well mutants and ninja and since we can't have them learning
ninjitsu until they're walking on two legs and wielding a bo staff
Let's look at the mutant part of the equation. so what do we know about the mutations
that the fictional turtles experienced.We get a fairly clear explanation in the
second feature film with the secret of the ooze
here's what Professor perry says about the TGRI ooze that caused the turtles
to mutate. "an unknown mixture of discarded chemicals was accidentally
exposed to a series of radiating waves and the resulting ooze as you put it was found
to have remarkable but dangerous mutinagenic properties
all right i'll forgive the fact that dr. science here uses the made-up word
mutinagenic, he means mutagenic and instead focus on the idea that the turtles were
exposed to some radioactive toxic waste and this caused them to grow to their
incredible size
so is there any real-world prove that radiation plus organism equals giant
indeed there is
in the years following the fukushima nuclear disaster in japan in 2011 there
have been numerous reports of very strange wildlife in the waters off the coast
for example here's a picture of a regular wolfish and now compare it to
the picture of this giant mutated wolfish caught off the coast in 2015
UGH KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE! BURN YOU DEMON SPAWN!
but seriously I would eat that in a sushi restaurant any day. now some might
claim that it's hard to prove that this nightmarish wolfish was definitely a
product of mutation caused by radioactive material but when you
consider
the fact that the waters near fukushima feature radiation counts over 2,500
times the legal limit is a pretty likely culprit especially considering how out
of proportion parts of its body are but still it's not like there's some source
of nuclear radiation leaking into the New York City sewer system right
I mean who would be dumb enough to place a nuclear power plant just a few miles
away from the most densely populated city in America. the nineteen seventies
that's who. indian point energy center is a large three-unit nuclear power plant
that was built about 36 miles away from midtown Manhattan and opened its doors
in 1974
While there haven't been any major disasters at Indian Point its 40-year
history, in early 2016,
yeah this year, it was reported that radioactive material from Indian Point
was leaking into the groundwater at a greatly accelerated rate
how much more radiation than normal you ask? eighty percent across the board and
one well in particular showed a 65 thousand percent increase and the most
prominent contaminants was tritium a radioactive isotope that's known to
cause mutations so much for green energy unless you like your energy green
because it's glowing from radioactivity
am i right? badoomching! so much would this effect New York City
indian point is located upstream of Gotham right on the banks of the Hudson
River the same hudson river that flows to the west of the bronx and manhattan
looks like the bodies of mafia informants are the only thing polluting
the Hudson these days
badoomching again! if those elevated levels of radiation somehow are able to
make their way down to the hudson river and into new york city's water table
that waste could end up anywhere including in the sewers beneath
Manhattan for a few red-eared sliders fresh out of Central Park
still I know this all sounds ridiculous I mean sure the indian point energy
center opened up in the mid-nineteen seventies which is exactly the right
time since the first live-action movie was released in 1990 and then it
splinter says that the turtles are 15 years old
weird but that doesn't mean anything i mean if the teenage mutant ninja turtles
were really real
we'd expect to see a sharp drop-off in violent crime in New York City starting
around 1990 and... what?
what's that? that's exactly what happened? Cowa f*cking bunga...
but hey that's just a theory...a film theory!
aaaaaand cut. welcome back to the super amazing end card tournament! where,
Wow we have not done one of these in a while it's good to be back
so today's question is a really simple one, which turtle is your favorite
leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, or Rafael. seriously, do people really like
Rafael? Leonardo and Donatello all the way. Leonardo because he has to cool
swords, Donatello
because his color is purple Hey, no shaming a guy liking the color purple
click on one to cast your vote and find out next week which turtle happens to be
the film theorists viewerships favorite. HEROES IN A HALF SHELL, TURTLE POWER!
next week, a different take on some undersea action.
*music plays and finishes*