Mom!
Mom, I'm not OK!
Piper, we're trying to study here.
I'm talking to my mother.
- What's wrong, baby? - Jessica unfollowed me!
- No one cares! - Henry.
I told Dad to order me a Taylor Swift costume.
- I made a mistake. - And he ordered me this
Jonathan Swift costume!
Who's Jonathan Swift?
Exactly!
Get on my back.
Get on me!
If he goes too slow, just kick him in the side.
- No! Ow! - Ya!
♪ I gave my love a chicken ♪
♪ That had no face ♪
Well, you still haven't told me why you think you can't have gluten.
What is this?
This is the last piece of wedding cake from when your dad and I got married.
Gluten.
Mm, not bad.
[screaming]
[laughing]
Got it!
You've been caked!
[screaming]
No, Piper, no!
She called me a loser!
They're just words. Just ignore her.
Yeah Piper, listen to your dumb dad.
She called me dumb!
I don't have to take that from a kid. You think I'm dumb?
I went to college! I'll show you dumb, jerk!
Let it go!
[screaming]
Wow, I can drive!
You can what?
I can drive a car!
Look what the Department of Motor Vehicles sent me.
[horn blowing]
This meeting of the Man Fans can now begin.
Point of order!
Ow.
Mom, it's one date with one boy.
You are too young to go on dates with boys.
OK, I know what's going on here.
You guys just don't like the idea of me going out with Kale.
- Now, Piper... - It's true.
You think Kale is a loser, just 'cause his dad has no job,
and 'cause his mom drives a dirty bus.
Well, I don't feel comfortable having this conversation about Kale
while he's in the room.
Piper, it's your commercial!
Ah! My commercial's on!
It's a new day at Fred Lobster.
[laughing]
It's me! It's me! It's me!
Who knows lob--
We interrupt this program for breaking news.
What the butt!
You know what we can do in the meantime?
- What can we do? - No, what?
[cheering]
She makes a good point.
Yeah!
Is there any way you could drive a little faster?
You need to drive faster.
But that would be speeding.
And I can't break the law.
- Little girl, we are the law. - You need to drive faster.
[horn honking]
Get out of the way!
I messed up my hair.
OK, come on Piper. I'm sure it's not that--
Oh my God! What happened to your hair?
I tried to trim my hair just a little bit,
so I could be this Fresno Girl doll for Halloween.
That would have been a sweet stume.
- What are... - Wait for it.
No way.
- Are those... - Hot Slacks!
- Shut up! - You shut up!
[screaming]
Henry?
[screaming]
Right! Left!
Left, right, left right, left, right!
I love this!
I... hate... this.
♪ I want a pony A cruise on the Caribbean Sea ♪
♪ A new car ♪
♪ Oh, I regret this immediately ♪
♪ I want a jewel, like a rare one That's never been found ♪
♪ Dad, why aren't you writing this down? ♪
♪ That's what I want Yeah, yeah, yeah that's what I want ♪
♪ Cruise go in a boat Need what I want ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
I am Theranos.
And this is how you change the world.
Theranos, you mad woman!
Prepare for your disruption.
No Theranos, don't disrupt us.
It changes now.
No!
[squealing]
- Get out of my way! - Whoa.
I'm going to the movies! Ah! What is it?0
Kill it! Kill it!
Stop, OK?
- What's in your mouth? - Is that your phone?
The police sketch is coming in.
I was minding my own business, talking really loudly on my cell phone,
when this guy grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth.
Nobody actually knows how to play the piano.
I mean, look at this thing, there's like a million buttons.
Fortunately, my phone just has one button.
[music playing]
♪ My heart is just a tip jar, baby ♪
♪ So don't leave me feeling empty ♪