(laughter)
- How y'all doing?
Ya good?
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Yeah?
Y'all scared?
Good.
That's good.
I feel like everyone's scared right now.
You know with the whole collusion impeachment thing
going on right now.
I think everyone's scared.
I'm not because I'm from Nigeria.
(laughter)
Yeah yeah.
We're one of the most politically corrupt countries
on the planet so--
(laughter)
Yeah we did that shit.
Yeah.
(laughter)
It's like not scary to me,
you know,
'cause that's not a real scandal.
'Cause like when the collusion thing happened
all Nigerians were looking at each other like,
"Oh ya just started colluding?
"Oh okay--"
(laughter)
"That's real cute that y'all started colluding.
"Welcome to the colluding club man!"
(laughter)
"Lets collude sometime.
"Lets 'lude bro.
"Watcha doing Wednesday?
"Lets 'lude."
(laughter)
'Cause that's not a real scandal where I'm from.
Colluding?
That's a Tuesday,
bro,
that's not a real scandal
'cause like right now in America,
the biggest scandal is whether or not
our president colluded with another country.
Right now in Nigeria?
The biggest scandal is whether or not
our president is a clone.
Straight up.
(laughter)
100% real scandal.
Yeah clones be colluding 100%
(laughter)
Like you guys are like,
"Trump's not my president."
And Nigerians are like,
"Man the president ain't the president."
(laughter)
'Cause like at first,
I didn't believe the story
because the person who told me was my uncle
who swears he was once bitten by a mermaid
so I was like,
"I don't know."
(laughter)
"I don't know if I can trust your news sources alright."
One time I confronted him about that mermaid thing.
I was like,
"Hey you know like,
"you know like mermaids don't exist right?"
And he was like,
"Well yeah.
Anymore."
And I was like,
"Okay."
(laughter)
I can't beat that logic.
"Hey Mom I don't wanna go over to his house anymore.
"He's making sense."
(laughter)
But this is a true scandal.
People in Nigeria were like to the president,
you don't look like you do,
you don't talk like you do,
we don't think that you're you.
So much so,
he had to address this in a press conference.
(laughter)
Yeah he had a clone press conference.
(laughter)
And it was really intense.
It was really emotional.
He was like,
"Hey not only am I not a clone,
"but I'm working really hard to fix this country
"so it can reach the potential I know it can get to."
And I was watching that press conference.
I was like,
"Damn.
"This nigga don't know he a clone.
"Oh my God."
(laughter)
"He's got no idea.
"How embarrassing.
"You tryna fix a country,
you 10 days old bro."
(laughter)
"You were born in a test tube.
"You don't have a belly button probably.
"I don't know.
"What you gonna do about these mermaids though?
"They biting people."
(laughter)
That's the thing I love about Nigerians.
We embrace the craziness.
That's what we do man.
I'm proud to be Nigerian.
I think whoever you are,
wherever you're from,
be proud of your heritage.
Yeah.
As long as you're willing
to admit your people are kind of shitty.
You know what I mean?
(laughter)
I can admit the shitty things Nigerians have done.
We had a civil war.
There's that whole email scam thing we're known for.
(laughter)
Yeah that's us.
We do that.
(laughter)
Yeah don't give your email I'll fuck you up.
Ya know what I mean?
(laughter)
Or you'll have your whole spam folder lookin' crazy.
(laughter)
Like the thing is,
though,
it's the oldest scam in the book.
Like for real for real.
If you start falling for it,
it's your fault at this point.
It's the oldest scam.
The only thing that's older is got your nose.
(laughter)
That's how old that scam is.
I am from immigrant,
I'm super proud to be an immigrant--
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Yeah you guy are immigrants here?
Yeah that's what's up man yeah.
The thing is though sometimes
you see the immigrant comedians will come up here,
they'll trash their parents,
I don't really do that
because both of my parents are way smarter than me,
you know,
and my mom has a PHD.
My dad has a doctorate.
And I'm so dumb I didn't know those are the same things.
Okay.
(laughter)
You see immigrant parents
go through a lot to bring their kids to this country
and we turn around and we trash them
it's not right if you ask me.
'Cause every immigrant parent looks at America
as a racetrack and their kids are stallions.
Like if you take every immigrant's ethnic name
and you translate it to English,
it roughly sounds like a racehorse's name.
(laughter)
Like my sister's name is Tolu.
You translate that to English it means blessed beloved.
My other sister's name is Buccola.
You translate that into English
it literally means Thanksgiving forever.
(laughter)
My name is Opeyemi Olagbaju.
You translate that to English it means
Seabiscuit Cloppity Clop the Third.
Okay.
(laughter)
I'm the third Seabiscuit.
(laughter)
You can't make fun of your parents.
(laughter)
Sometimes people are surprised that I'm an immigrant.
They can't believe it they're like,
"You know for an immigrant you speak very well."
They don't realize the country I'm from,
Nigeria,
we was controlled by the British.
Which is why sometimes I use British words
to describe everyday things right?
Like I call the trunk of a car a boot.
Or I call cookies biscuits.
Or I call the cops never.
I never call the cops.
(laughter)
'Cause even though I'm an immigrant I'm still black though.
(laughter)
I'm a black immigrant.
It's a little different.
I say to people it's like being a black immigrant
is like winning the golden ticket
to go to Willy Wonka's Factory.
You get there.
You super excited and like,
"Oh nobody told you.
"You're an Oompa Loompa.
"Yeah"
(laughter)
I don't know if you notice
but Oompa Loompas are black people okay.
Go re-watch that movie.
You'll realize that Oompa Loompas
are the only people of color in the entire movie.
(laughter)
To make matters even worse,
Willy Wonka say,
"Yeah I went over to their land
"and I brought them to my factory on my boat."
That is literally what he said.
(laughter)
And you can't tell me Oompa doompa do-pa-dee-do
is not a goddamn Negro spiritual okay.
(laughter)
Oompa Loompas are black people.
They're black people.
I know what you're thinking right now,
"All the Oompa Loompas in that movie,
"they were singing,
"they were dancing,
"they were having a good time."
Yeah those are house Loompas okay.
(laughter)
The rest of the Oompa Loompas they ain't singing.
They ain't dancing.
They're in the field.
They are picking cotton candy.
That's what's happening.
(laughter)
And when Willy Wonka talks to these Loompas,
his tone's a little different.
He's calling Oompa Loompa with a hardy R.
(laughter)
He's being a really uppity one,
Kunta Kinte style,
with a whip made out of red vines.
(laughter)
He's like,
"Your name,
"your name,
"Loomper--
(laughter)
"is Toblerone okay?"
(laughter)
It's a tense time.
We're politicizing everything.
I think it's okay to talk about these issues.
Just pick your spots.
That's all I ask.
Pick your spots.
Like recently I was at a party
and we're talk about race.
That's how you know it was a whack party right?
(laughter)
Like talking about race at parties
is the new playing guitar at parties.
(laughter)
It's so infuriating.
Stop it.
You know.
So this what happened.
This white dude came up to me,
he was a little too honest,
he's like,
"Hey Opey,
"I just wanna be real with you.
"Like if I saw you walking down the street late at night,
"I'd be terrified.
"That's my biggest fear.
"I'd rather skydive than do that."
- [Audience] Ooh.
- I know I was like,
"Okay.
"I guess I should think it's fear
"but it doesn't sound really honest to me.
"Sounds to me like you're biggest fear
"is you be skydiving,
"you pull the ripcord
"and instead of a parachute,
"I came out.
"That's your biggest fear."
(laughter)
"Stop ruining this party."
We are politicizing bullshit,
right,
like recently there was a rumor,
like a fucking rumor,
they were gonna make Michael B. Jordan
Superman and all these nerds freaked the fuck out.
They're like,
"Excuse me but Superman can't be black due to the--"
It's like,
"Shut the fuck up you nerd."
(laughter)
"Imma give you a wedgie."
It's like who cares what race Superman is.
Superman is an alien that flies
and shoots laser beams out of his eyes.
Who cares?
I wanna see a black Superman
'cause I wanna see a black dude get shot by the cops
and the bullets bounce off.
I wanna see that shit.
(laughter)
Yeah I'll pay extra money for that IMAX
so I can see the pee coming down the cop's legs okay.
(laughter)
Matter of fact,
suck my dick,
lets make 'em all black just to piss these nerds off.
(laughter)
Lets make Wonder Woman Serena Williams.
- [Audience] Yeah!
- Yeah lets make The Flash Kat Williams.
(laughter)
There's only one superhero you can't make black.
There's one and that's Batman.
I know what you thinking Batman he ain't got no powers
but realize Batman is a multi-billionaire.
There's only three black billionaires.
They would know who that nigga is.
(laughter)
Like right away.
They be like,
"Hey that's Oprah!"
(laughter)
(morse code)