President Trump,
the rectangle in chief.
In the 47 years that he's been president,
we've gotten to know the man quite a bit.
We know that he doesn't fear the sun,
we know that he likes to go vroom-vroom
in a big, cool truck,
and we know that kids love him.
One other big thing we've learned about him
is how Trump handles a crisis.
Right? Because whenever Trump is dealing with a problem,
he's got a certain set of moves that he always tries.
Sort of like a video game character, you know?
First, he pretends the problem doesn't exist.
Then he pretends he's already solved the problem.
And if that doesn't work,
he blames the media and the Democrats
for the problem he probably created.
Now, unfortunately, none of those moves
have worked with coronavirus.
No matter what he tries, it just keeps on spreading.
So yesterday, Trump had no choice
but to pull out his superpower move:
changing his tone.
A remarkable change of tune for President Trump today,
the about-face coming
during a late afternoon news conference.
The president changed his tone today
after months of insisting that COVID-19 was in retreat.
He said it will get worse before it gets better.
NEWSWOMAN: After downplaying the virus for weeks,
the president came before cameras
with a blunt assessment.
It will probably, unfortunately, get worse before it gets better.
Something I don't like saying about things,
but that's the way it is.
I have no problem with the masks.
I view it this way.
Anything that potentially can help
and that certainly can potentially help
is a good thing. I have no problem.
I carry it. I wear it.
Oh, no.
Looks like someone finally got his COVID test back.
"Positive in a negative sense, folks."
But yes, President Trump is finally saying
that masks work
and that coronavirus could get even worse.
So, basically, Trump has turned into
that one friend of yours in the group chat
who insists on posting memes that were hot months ago.
"Yo, have you guys seen Baby Yoda?"
Now, I will say something
that I myself didn't expect.
It is actually a little scary to hear Trump talk like this.
Because, like, when a scientist says it,
it's because those are the facts.
When Trump says it,
it's because reality is so awful that it somehow cut through
the thousands of layers of paranoid delusion.
Like, you know shit is bad
when even Trump breaks character.
You know? This would be like
if Barney the Dinosaur took off his head like...
(chuckles) "Okay, kids, we're (bleep).
We're (bleep). It's-it's not looking good."
"Are we gonna sing a song, Barney?"
"No, guys, we're really (bleep). It's over."
"I don't think you're allowed to say the f-word, Barney."
Now, there are many reasons that Trump
may have suddenly shifted his tone last night, right?
I mean, maybe it's because he's struggling bigly
in the polls against Joe Biden,
or maybe it's because he has a new campaign manager.
Or maybe it's just because he got his ass handed to him
in an interview on Fox News.
I mean, it's one thing to get embarrassed
by the liberal media. He's used to that.
But when Fox News is calling you out on your BS,
that's got to hurt, man.
Because now you're getting owned in front of all your friends.
It's like getting a wedgie at your own birthday party.
Whatever the reason was, though, it should be obvious
to anyone with a memory better than a goldfish
that this change of tone
isn't actually a sincere change of heart,
because let's just say we've all been here before.
President Trump was completely different in his tone
and in the way he was approaching the coronavirus.
A dramatic shift in tone from President Trump yesterday.
NEWSMAN: President Trump changing his tone.
A real change of tone there,
to say the least, from the president.
A really sobering sense, um, from the president.
NEWSMAN 2: President Trump just moments ago with a somber tone.
NEWSWOMAN: But, again, the overall tone,
a lot more somber,
especially coming from President Trump.
George, the president did strike a very somber tone
in his latest briefing.
Robin, he was as grim as he's been
through this entire crisis.
Yeah. We've seen this trick before, people.
Trump decides to pretend
he's taking coronavirus seriously again.
And then two days later, he's doing what?
He's tweeting that it's all a hoax
and we should just eat our cereal with bleach.
So, if the past is any indication,
Trump's somber new tone is as real as his skin tone.
Because deep down, no matter how much
he wants to hide it, he's still Trump.
Which is why even at a press conference
where he's trying to change things up,
he couldn't help but do this.
NEWSWOMAN: The one moment the president veered off message?
When he was asked about Ghislaine Maxwell,
accused of enabling
Jeffrey Epstein's exploitation of minors.
I don't know. I haven't really been following it too much.
I just wish her well, frankly.
Uh, I've met her numerous times over the years,
especially since I lived in Palm Beach,
and I guess they lived in Palm Beach.
Uh, but I wish her well, whatever it is.
Okay.
So, just to recap.
Colin Kaepernick--
son of a bitch.
Accused child sex trafficker--
I wish her well.
This is the one time when nobody would have been upset
if Trump had used one of his trademark insults.
Low IQ individual. Horseface.
Hater and loser. Psycho.
Lock her up. Anything.
Instead, this is the time
that Trump chooses to suddenly become a feminist?
"She broke the glass ceiling of sex trafficking.
You got to respect that."
But, look, aside from that one time
when he wished an alleged sex trafficker well,
he did manage to rein it in for one press conference.
And I guess that's the lesson here.
As long as Trump sticks to the script,
doesn't tell us what he thinks,
and doesn't act on any of his own impulses,
I mean, then he makes a pretty dope president.
But if he's allowed to actually do what he wants,
well, then, America,
I wish you well.