-Let's get to the news.
Fox News announced today that it has parted ways
with host Tucker Carlson,
and last Friday was his final show,
which is great, but also unsettling.
At least when he had a show, we knew where he was.
It's creepy trying to fall asleep
with a ventriloquist dummy in your room,
but it's way creepier when you wake up
and it's not there anymore.
"Huh. That's weird.
Oh, my God. Is it behind me?"
Also today, CNN parted ways with anchor Don Lemon
amid accusations of sexist behavior.
Wow. Does anybody have an opening for a sexist?
Oh, right.
[ Laughter, applause ]
President Biden is reportedly preparing to formally announce
he is running for reelection.
If successful, he will be the oldest man...
That's it. Just the oldest man.
That's right. President Biden is reportedly
planning to formally announce his reelection campaign
as early as this week, which is frankly a little crazy.
He's going to be 82.
I think you should stop running for president
when people start saying,
"Young" after your age.
"Joe here, 82 years young.
Not only that, the leader of the free world.
That's pretty nuts."
President Biden met today with three Tennessee lawmakers
who led gun safety protests at the state capitol.
Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis met with the guns.
[ Laughter ]
Senate Judiciary Chair Dick Durbin in a new interview
called for a code of conduct for Supreme Court justices
because right now, the only rule is no front flips off the yacht.
[ Laughter ]
New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy
recently declared that September 23rd
will be Bruce Springsteen Day, as opposed to Jersey's previous
Springsteen Day, all of them.
[ Laughter ]
McDonald's has announced it will offer
its Big Mac sauce on the side for dipping,
or what the hell, soaking.
[ Laughter ]
New York officials unveiled a plan today
to install ten miles of bike lanes throughout the city.
That story again --
New York officials are adding ten more miles
of sometimes car lanes.
[ Laughter ]
IKEA announced plans last week
to open up eight more stores across the US,
or more likely, will start to build them,
get frustrated, and give up.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new study --
We've all done that. We've all done it.
According to a new study, Americans over 50
who play video games feel overlooked
by the gaming industry.
For example, there is no option to play "Grand Theft Auto"
with your left blinker on the whole time.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, 70% of older Americans
who play video games do not feel like products
are designed with them in mind
because when they tried it, they failed miserably.
[ Laughter, groans ]
And that's sadly, because you can't ever predict the future,
was our final joke...
of the monologue.
You usually try to close on a banger,
and sometimes, you close on one that goes like that.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden announced today
that he is running for reelection.
Can you imagine if it's Biden versus Trump again?
That's like going into a diner
and the only things on the menu are two day old egg salad
and Donald Trump.
"I mean, I guess I'll take my chances with the egg salad."
President Biden announced today
that he will run for a second term and said,
"Let's finish the job." Yeah, good idea.
It would be nice to have a country
where a guy could safely retire before he's 86.
[ Laughter ]
Following President Biden's reelection announcement today,
the Republican National Committee released
an ad that asks,
"What if the weakest president we've ever had were re-elected?"
And personally, I think it's pretty low to drag
Martin Van Buren into this.
[ Laughter ]
Life's hard enough with that silly haircut.
According to reports, Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott
did not tell Tucker Carlson why he was being fired,
but said that the decision was made, "From above."
But come on, we know all the decisions at Fox News
come from below.
[ Laughter ]
The Georgia...
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Georgia prosecutor investigating former
President Trump's alleged interference
into the 2020 election said yesterday
that she would announce potential charges this summer.
I like that we're spreading out Trump's crimes
and just like microdosing indictments.
You know, because like,
when Netflix drops an entire season at once,
sure, it's fun that weekend,
but then we have nothing to look forward to.
Once a week is way better.
It's like Trump's the "Abbott Elementary" of criminals.
[ Laughter ]
A man in Idaho recently set a Guinness World Record
after he passed a 40 pound weight
from hand to hand 100 times.
That story again -- Not much to do in Idaho.
[ Laughter ]
He didn't even know Guinness was there.
[ Laughter ]
They were like,
"Hey, how many times have you done that?"
Moose -- A moose -- We like when it starts "A moose."
A moose recently walked into a movie theater in Alaska
and ate popcorn from the trash can.
Or, as Regal Cinemas calls it, a medium.
[ Laughter ]
Now movie theaters, you used to...
And finally, a former Disney World employee
was recently arrested for allegedly
taking videos of women's skirts.
To be fair, they should have known something was wrong
when he showed up to work with no pants on.
After announcing his 2024 reelection campaign,
President Biden delivered a speech yesterday
about his economic vision for the country.
That's right. From now on,
the grandkids are getting $6 in their birthday cards.
[ Laughter, cheers ]
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders
endorsed President Biden yesterday
and said he will do what he can to make sure Biden is reelected.
But if Biden loses,
the two of them can always go back to heckling the Muppets.
[ Laughter ]
Following recent reports of Justice Clarence Thomas's
failure to disclose lavish vacations
and gifts from a wealthy Republican donor,
the Supreme Court released a three page statement yesterday,
signed by all nine justices
committing to follow "foundational ethics
and principles starting now. I mean now.
Okay, now. Damn it, Clarence!"
That's right. All nine Supreme Court justices
signed a pledge to follow
"Foundational ethics and principles."
Okay, but it wasn't all nine of them we were worried about.
I mean, Elena Kagan's last vacation
was to the Lincoln Memorial.
Took the bus.
In honor of Lesbian Visibility Week,
the cast of "The L Word: Generation Q"
yesterday visited the White House,
said Tucker Carlson to a house plant.
[ Laughter ]
A top aide to Republican presidential hopeful
Vivek Ramaswamy said today
that he will be polling in second
or third place by the end of the year,
unless, of course, a fourth person joins the race.
[ Laughter ]
The USDA announced yesterday
that it is considering making changes to limit
the amount of salmonella in some chicken products.
I'm sorry, they haven't already?
"We're also considering a three strikes rule
if it's secretly a pigeon."
[ Laughter ]
"You can get away with it twice.:"
Ben & Jerry's co-founder, Ben Cohen,
recently launched a new cannabis line called Ben's Best Blnz.
Hopefully it's a lot more popular than Jerroin.
[ Laughter, groans ]
[ Applause ]
It was easy to do
because we had a pack lying around.
Quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly spent a week
in Costa Rica at a spiritual healing center
before officially signing with the New York Jets.
Which is like washing your car right before it rains.
[ Laughter ]
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos was photographed
over the weekend at Coachella, and even he couldn't believe
how much they were charging for water.
And finally, authorities in Mexico
recently seized nearly 12,000 tequila bottles
that contained concentrated liquid meth.
On the bright side, Margarita night
ended with a completely spotless house.
When asked yesterday about his age as he runs for reelection,
President Biden said that it doesn't register with him.
Okay. I know you're trying to play it cool,
but you made it sound like a symptom.
"My age? I never remember."
That's right. When asked about his age,
President Biden said, "I took a hard look at it
before I decided to run, and I feel good."
Listen, we don't care how you feel now.
Did you see what eight years did to Obama?
If you get reelected,
this is what you're going to look like by the end of 2028.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden greeted kids today on the White House
south lawn as part of Take Your Child to Work Day.
Unfortunately, it was a trap set up
by Congress to arrest Hunter Biden.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's new book, "Letters to Trump",
went on sale this week for $95 -- $95.
Let me give you the gist and save you the cash.
"Dear Mr. President, for the last time,
the Grimace cannot attend your inauguration.
We hope this will be the final word on the matter.
Sincerely, McDonald's."
A source recently told "People Magazine" that former
President Trump respects and admires former
First Lady Melania Trump and wants to make her happy.
But he plans to stay married to her anyway.
[ Laughter ]
After being fired from Fox News on Monday,
Tucker Carlson posted a video last night
to Twitter and said,
"Where can you still find Americans saying true things?"
Well, hell, you've already tried Fox News and Twitter.
I'm out of ideas. I don't know. Maybe Wall Street.
A bipartisan group of senators yesterday introduced
the Protecting Kids on Social Media Act,
which would set the minimum age to 13 for platforms
including Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.
Wait, you're trying to keep kids under 13
from using Facebook? What's next?
You're not going to let him wait in line with you at the bank?
Workers in Wales recently misspelled the word "school"
while repainting a section of road.
To be fair, this is how you spell "school" in Welsh.
[ Laughter ]
A court in Germany ruled yesterday
that the tenants of a building do not qualify for reduced rent
because their landlords sunbathed naked
in the courtyard.
Said the judge,
"Think of it this way -- free sundial."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't need your applause.
But I stand by that joke.
And finally, according to a new report,
trained dogs can help detect coronavirus infections
in schools.
Cats can, too. They just won't.
That was the monologue, everybody. We're off.
♪♪