>> A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT WOMEN IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS ARE
MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE A DECREASE IN SEXUAL SATISFACTION.
HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR OWN LESLIE JONES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GREAT TO BE HERE COLIN.
>> HI, LESLIE. WHY DO YOU THINK WOMEN IN
RELATIONSHIPS HAVE TROUBLE SEXUALLY?
>> WELL, BECAUSE MEN DON'T CORRECTLY LEARN HOW TO SATISFY A
WOMAN, COLIN. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I WAS AT
THE NEW YORK CITY FC SOCCER GAME.
AND SITTING IN MY SECTION WAS A BUNCH OF NEW YORK KNICKS
PLAYERS. THEY WAS ALL 6'9".
BIG OLD HANDS. BIG OLD FEET.
BIG OLD NECKS. BIG OLD CHESTS.
LONG-ASS FINGERS. LONG-ASS --
>> WE KNOW. WE KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING, YES.
WE GOT IT. >> OF COURSE YOU DO, YOU LITTLE
SALTY OYSTER CRACKER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHE JUST CALLED ME A CRACKER. >> YOU THE HEAD OF A CRACKER.
>> OKAY. >> AND I SAW ALL THESE YOUNG
DUDES. YOU KNOW, WHO LOOKED LIKE THEY
WAS BORN AFTER "MARTIN" WAS CANCELED, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING? AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF -- WHAT
A WASTE OF GOOD EQUIPMENT. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH
IT. BUT I DO.
I GOT 30 YEARS IN THE GAME, HOMIE.
HA HA! SO I REALIZE I COULD HELP THEM.
I COULD COACH THEM. YOU KNOW?
I COULD BE LIKE A "HUNG LIKE A HORSE WHISPERER."
AND I WHISPER TO ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.
I'VE EVEN WHISPERED TO A FEW PONIES.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIZE
IT IS. DON'T LIE TO US ABOUT WHAT
YOU'RE PACKING. BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO SEE IT
EVENTUALLY. AND IT WILL DISAPPOINT US.
DO NOT PROMISE ME A RACK OF RIBS AND THEN SHOW UP WITH A LITTLE
PENIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYWAY. MOST MEN ARE FINE.
MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO OR THREE YOU MIGHT CALL,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, TRAVEL SIZE. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT EVEN IF THAT'S ALL YOU GOT, OWN IT!
EVEN A THUMB DRIVE CAN HOLD A LOT OF DATA.
[ LAUGHTER ] STEP IT UP IN OTHER WAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> STEP IT UP WITH YOUR HANDS!
>> THE THING MEN ARE LACKING TODAY IS CONFIDENCE.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE CONFIDENCE.
CONFIDENCE IS SEXY. BACK IN THE DAY WE HAD
CONFIDENT, STRONG MEN LIKE THE MARLBORO MAN OR THE BRAWNY PAPER
TOWEL DUDE. OR MR. CLEAN.
YOU KNOW, THOSE WAS REAL MEN. >> I MEAN, THEY'RE LITERALLY NOT
REAL MEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHUT UP. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING WE GOT
NOW THAT IS CHEAP-ASS TRIVAGO DUDE.
HE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME GO TO A DISCOUNT MOTEL ROOM.
OR THAT CREEPY-ASS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
THE ONLY THING OBVIOUS ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE GOT A COUPLE OF
BODIES IN HIS TRUNK. THAT AIN'T SEXY.
AND IT DEFINITELY AIN'T CONFIDENT.
YOU GOT TO HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
AND WHATEVER EQUIPMENT YOU GOT. YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN IT.
YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR EQUIPMENT THROUGH OUR EYES.
SO FOR THE DUDES WATCHING RIGHT NOW, GO GET A MIRROR.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'LL WAIT.
NOW PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN. [ LAUGHTER ]
RAISE YOUR SHIRT UP. DON'T PULL YOUR SHIRT ALL THE
WAY UP, JUST RAISE IT UP, HONEY. PUT YOUR SHIRT UNDER YOUR CHIN
LIKE THIS. TAKE THE MIRROR AND PUT IT IN
FRONT OF YOUR JUNK LIKE THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
TO QUOTE MAYA ANGELOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
"NO MATTER THE SIZE IN BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU CAN STILL
RISE." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE!