>> Today's episode is brought to you by Roman.
>> Head on over to getroman.com/modernrogue
and get a month free treatment.
Hair loss is a choice.
I don't know why I'm doing spider legs.
>> Like they cast a spell on your head?
>> That's what I would
like to believe. >> That's not how it works!
Hairicus growicus!
[both laughing]
Once when I was a kid I was making cookies
and I microwaved butter to soften it
not realizing that it's wrapped in foil.
And so there's lightening arcs over it
and it was the only butter I had
so I ended up using it.
It didn't taste right.
What is your greatest misadventure?
>> I microwaved a packet of tuna fish.
I thought you had to cook it, I didn't...
>> Wait?
>> The whole house smelled like tuna fish fish for
like a week.
>> So what happened?
>> I got in a lot of trouble.
This was about a year ago. >> This was last week?
This was about a year ago.
>> Oh my god, this is at your house!
I thought you were a kid.
[Brian laughs]
>> True story.
[film crackling]
All right Brian, so this recipe is a little complicated.
We found it on "23 and 1"
and so we're going to follow it to the best of our ability.
>> Oh, that's a generous interpretation.
I mean yes, we're going to give an A for effort.
That's about all we can promise to bring.
We should point out,
I believe the original recipe had actual cheese,
Velveeta's not actual cheese.
It is a processed cheese-like product.
>> No it's actually cheese, with sodium citrate
like we learned about in the burger episode.
>> To soften it.
>> Like many of the other prison cooking items,
we're making a dough or a substrate
out of crushed out carbs.
>> This is one of the biggest hurdles
for all these prison recipes
is finding something to mimic good dough.
You want the right texture,
you want something that will get crispy on there
and taste like a real pizza.
>> Well we are going to consume most
of the constituent properties of pizza.
>> Okay, what does that mean?
>> I don't know.
>> It did sound very impressive.
>> It's kind of something that we've said before.
>> I've never had mead.
>> Wait what?
Really? >> Really?
>> I've never.
Actually I take that back, I've had honey
and theoeretically if I have had yeast,
I've had water.
So in theory, I've had all the building blocks.
>> All the parts are there,
you just let them sit together long enough
to make anything happen.
>> And I have existed for two weeks to three months.
>> You sound like Dr. Manhattan.
>> So like many of the prison recipes
we're going to use one of the Mylar bags to put everything.
I'm not going to lie this chile limon knock off Fritos,
that's probably going to end up getting into the dough.
This was your plan the whole time, wasn't it?
>> Kind of, yeah.
Honestly?
Gives it a little zazz.
Okay so, we're going to need two sleeves of Saltines.
>> And we want to get them down to the dust-like components?
>> Yeah, because we're going to be making a dough out of them
if we add some moisture there.
So you use two sleeves of the Saltines,
two of these tinier sleeves of the Ritz crackers.
So I'll go ahead and start breaking those up.
>> And we're going to go the entire brick of the ramen
as well.
>> Exactly.
>> I've got to believe that has something to do with
the texture on there.
>> Yeah, because we're not using the flavoring.
I mean, I haven't heard of oriental flavor pizza dough.
What is it?
>> We could be the first!
>> It's real questionable.
>> That sounds like an Austin pizza truck if you ask me.
>> Oh, we should start a prison food truck.
>> Yes!
Oh my gosh, there's so much more oil in these Ritz
compared to, the Saltines were very brittle and crumbly
and very starchy.
This is almost like squeezing a stick of butter.
>> Mmmm.
>> Which we can also do.
>> Okay next...
[Ritz packet popping]
Oh! >> Whoa!
So next, we're going to chop up our toppings.
Let's do that.
We're going to put some onions on there, a little white onion.
We'll do some pickles,
we don't have to put them on your side of the pizza.
>> Okay.
>> It's just toppings.
>> We'll do half and half, all right.
>> And we've got our pepperonis, we don't have to chop those.
And of course Slim Jims. >> Slim Jims!
Yeah, oh yeah!
>> It's like popcorn, it's going everywhere.
>> Our dough's going to be a little rough around the edges,
that's fine.
>> That's fine!
>> Oh geez, there's a hole.
So once I have this mixed, should I be adding water to it?
>> Enough water to get up to the line.
So not so much you want to turn it into a soup
but enough to soak everything.
[microwaving humming]
>> Delicately poured hot water incoming.
Ah, nope!
[water splashing]
I don't want to overdo it,
last time we overdid it on the water.
So I'm going to let this soak in.
Ooh, that is hot!
Dude, I will forgive you if you want to use
a real knife on that onion.
>> Okay, I was tryna be authentic man.
>> I don't know If we want to be that authentic.
[dramatic music]
[Jason laughs]
>> See that's smarter, like that.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You're going to want to chop up and then slice off some cheese.
>> Ugh!
A little tougher to slice but...
Oh man, it's so smooshy.
Okay, so at this point what?
We open up the bag just like we did before
and just kind of spread it out?
>> Ugh, yeah, yeah.
We're going to spread it out and then we're going to roll it flat
like a dough.
Yeah, okay.
>> That's fine though.
We don't need all of this, right?
So how about this, why don't we give it a little dusting?
>> JASON: Ooh!
>> Good uh?
Get it all together.
>> I'm into it.
>> Here, let's see if we can flip it.
Do you think we can flip it?
>> I don't think we can.
>> I believe in us.
Ready in three, two, nope.
Almost.
Three, two...
Settle it.
>> There you go.
>> No, no, dust it around, dust it around so I can put it on.
>> On top?
On the bottom.
>> There you go, there you go!
>> Gotcha.
>> Sorry, my words failed me.
There you go.
Oh look at that.
Look at that.
See, that's a crust.
That's a crust with crustiness all over it.
>> Best way to do this.
Let's put a sheet of Saran Wrap on there.
>> Or just use my hands.
>> Or just use your hands.
[Brian laughing]
This might actually work a little better,
if we put the Saran Wrap on there.
Hang on a sec.
>> So this is, what?
We're approximating using a rolling pin on this, right?
>> Right, exactly.
>> BRIAN: And how thin do we want to go?
I guess that depends on how you like your pizza.
>> JASON: Yeah.
>> Let's see what happens if we just cut out
the middle square like a flatbread pizza.
>> Okay.
[Brian laughs]
>> How is it?
>> Like hot wet mushy crackers.
>> Yep, all right.
>> So it's fine.
>> Delish?
>> Yeah.
Next he microwaves the dough for about five minutes.
>> Okay but he takes the whole thing on the Mylar
and puts it in there.
>> Seems like a bad idea, right?
Or a great idea! >> Well okay,
>> I don't know, but here look at this.
Here, I got a Mylar bag.
I suspect that it's not a good idea
to put Mylar in a microwave.
Right, ready?
[microwave buzzing]
Yeah see!
That's not good!
That's not what you want.
I don't care how delicious prison food is,
don't put a Mylar bag in the microwave.
>> Yeah, ill-advised, okay.
I mean, maybe?
[Brian gasps]
>> It's like a Shrinky Dink.
It's a very tiny bag of Chex Mix.
>> JASON: Suddenly this is like arts 'n' crafts.
We've discovered something amazing.
>> Look, it's so cute!
Look at the little Chex Mix! >> It's pretty adorable.
>> You could put that on a key chain.
Now available at scamstuff.com.
[Brian laughs]
>> BRIAN: If you hold this, I'll kind of set this up
and then if you fold that front layer down,
and I'll just peel this back.
>> Okay.
>> You know what?
We can cut of some of the edge too.
We'll just make it a circle now.
Now it's a personal pan pizza.
>> JASON: Make it fit that plate!
>> BRIAN: Yeah, see look at that.
>> JASON: Oh there you go, we've got two of them.
>> BRIAN: All right, five minutes you say?
>> Five minutes.
Oh, do you want to go ahead and make the sauce
while that's cooking?
>> Yeah, sure.
The translation of paste to sauce is roughly what?
One and a half times the volume of this?
>> Uh, right.
>> Here we go.
That looks appetizing.
Now we look like a Ragu commercial.
Which is too bad because this is Hunt's.
[both laugh]
There you go, that's looking better, right?
>> That looks like a sauce.
From pizzas I've seen in the past.
>> Hey, now it looks like the Lunchables I remember.
[Jason laughs]
Hey, whose idea was it,
"You know what kids want is a cold pizza
"that they have to assemble themselves."
>> I just want to know if that person received a Nobel Prize
and if not, why not?
All right.
>> How's it look?
>> Not like a pizza crust.
>> BRIAN: Is it, so it's--
>> JASON: It's very hot.
>> Oh yeah, it sure is.
We went off book by adding this but you can see.
Look at that, it's got some form on there.
I don't know, I think we're close.
Shall we?
>> Let's do it.
>> Seems like a thing.
And so now, what?
We add the rest of the ingredients?
>> We put our toppings on there?
You have opted to go sans pickles.
I think I might add pickles to mine.
>> Okay, I assume the more finely you cut all your cheese,
it will spread out more evenly.
>> Did you get enough onions?
>> I'm going to put so much onions on here,
you're not prepared.
>> I don't think your wife is prepared.
[both laugh]
>> BRIAN: That looks delish.
>> JASON: Damn son.
>> Oh man, that's not even.
Don't even get me started.
>> Yeah?
>> Yeah, if we had bell peppers, it would be just a mountain.
That looks okay.
>> It looks kind of pizza-like.
>> I don't know, I have a really good feeling about this.
I think there's a decent chance it'll be okay.
[Jason laughs]
A decent chance it'll be okay.
>> Ringing endorsement.
So we got two different recipes.
That's cool.
[whooshing from titles changing]
>> All right, do I go the full five minutes
or do I just kind of eyeball it?
I feel like I'm afraid to just leave it unattended
for the full five.
>> I think that's probably a shrewd choice.
>> Yeah, I'm just going to watch this one like a hawk.
[microwaving buzzing]
Alright, cheese is starting to bubble and boil
at about 80 seconds.
So I'll go 15 more.
So we're at 90 seconds, I'll go another 30.
[microwave beeps]
Man, I think I'm going to go just a little bit longer on that.
>> Go for it man.
>> Okay.
Oh, there we go!
There we go.
Oh man, there's a thumbnail shot right there.
>> Oooooh!
That looks like pizza, mostly.
>> Right?
Kind of.
>> Sort of, sure.
>> Alright dude, moment of truth.
>> Both of these look like various stages
of a grotesque disaster.
>> I think it looks a little bit like a pizza to me!
Oh yeah, you didn't even have to cut yours?
>> I just broke it, I broke off a crusty chunk.
>> I think mine is fused to the paper plate.
Oh no!
I'm going to have to get the real knife.
>> Mine's not bad.
>> Yeah?
>> Yeah.
>> How would you rate it?
>> Um, Little Caesars.
[Brian laughs]
>> So edible, congratulations!
You know what this looks like?
This looks like those personal pan pizzas at the airport.
>> It's like $9.
>> Ooooh!
How about the dough, get ready in three, two, one.
>> And?
>> The dough is a little bit gummy.
But considering it's not even dough,
and we're working with crackers and water.
That's shockingly close to real dough.
It's already way better than the alleged pizzas
in those Lunchables, for sure.
I know I made that joke but this is way better.
>> Yeah?
>> Hmm-hmm.
>> Maybe I should try some of yours?
>> Here.
>> All right.
Yeah, yours is better.
>> I think mine has the thinner crust on there.
>> Yeah.
>> And I think that made a difference.
And I know we were worried about the dusting of crackers
on the top and bottom,
I think that really helps.
Man, I got to tell you,
out of everything we've done so far,
this is my favorite.
>> Yeah, I mean, I'm still never going to eat it again.
[Brian laughs]
I mean, let's hope not, right?
>> Yeah, you may be forced to.
Well done though.
Ah, all right.
I didn't want to make this all about me
but as you know, not messing around,
I was getting a little thin, took action,
turns out the best time to keep your hair
is before you lose you hair.
[both laughing]
>> Yes!
>> So I'm no balding but I'm over the age of 35
which is when two thirds of all men
start to notice their hair thinning.
So I was like, "Man, I'm going to stay out in front of this."
Started using the stuff.
It works.
>> Most people don't realize
that it's FDA approved medication.
>> Oh yeah, no no no.
This isn't gas station garbage.
This is the real stuff from real doctors,
even if they do have beady eyes.
Nothing against you doctors.
I'm seeing it.
I noticed the other day, I was like,
"Didn't I used to almost have a widow's peak?"
And now I don't.
Thank you Roman.
>> Outstanding.
>> Dude, it happens faster than you would expect,
and it's so easy.
It takes like two seconds every day, like
[Brian imitates washing his hair quickly]
>> And you can do it from the privacy of your own home.
>> There is nothing I don't love about
the whole Roman experience.
Especially the regeneration of hair.
>> Especially having hair?
But they make it so easy.
>> And everybody can get a month of treatment
from real doctors.
Totally free by heading over to getroman.com/modernrogue.
Give it a try man, I've got to tell ya,
I'm liking what I'm seeing so far.
[Ramen bag pops]
Whoa! >> Whoa.
>> Ramen down!
>> Goddamnit!
>> It's okay, it's okay!
>> It's hard to break it up when it's in the...
>> No, you're doing great.
Great, this is awesome.
[Brian laughing]
>> Because I'm a modern rogue!
>> I'm so sorry.
>> It's okay, man.